Marriage Day 1: We Are One in Communication

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Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed (Genesis 2:24-25).

One of the more common complaints I hear from spouses is when one of the partners in the marriage talks about being alone in their marriage. These lonely spouses perceive a seemingly invisible barrier between each other. It’s a communication breakdown they cannot change because the deepest and most intimate component of marriage communication is uniquely spiritual. While couples can relate in many ways, there is one way that is non-negotiable if you intend to engage each other like Christ and His church (Ephesians 5:25-33). That spiritual component is an intimate three-person dynamic between the husband, wife, and God. I’m not necessarily talking about praying together, going to church, reading the Bible, or doing other churchy things—all vital aspects of a sound relationship. I’m speaking of in-depth and comprehensive spiritual communication. Some spouses respond to this spiritual disconnect by saying,

We talk about God, pray together, and go to church. Our kids are involved in the church’s ministries, and we are active churchgoers. I attend the weekly men’s meeting, and my wife leads her Bible study. It’s not that we don’t love God or each other.

What I’m talking about is not necessarily what a couple or family is doing in their church building with their church friends. Some of the busiest Christians can be some of the most discontented people in their marriages. The biblical term for what is lacking in this kind of marriage is koinonia, from which we get our words communication, community, participation, or fellowship. Koinonia is a three-person construct that represents the deepest possible intimacy a man and woman can experience in their marriage. True koinonia can only happen in your marriage when you share your full experience with God—the good and the bad of it—with your spouse, and your spouse shares their full experience of God with you. That is the highest level of biblical community. It is a free-flowing, dynamic relationship without barriers, interruptions, or hindrances. Koinonia will not happen if either spouse is unwilling to be transparent, honest, open, mature, humble, vulnerable, and intentional with each other. If those character qualities are not present, there is no way for spouses to enjoy true oneness. Three of the more common hindrances to this kind of communication are fear, anger, and unforgiveness. These are koinonia killers.

• Is there fear or inhibition between you and your spouse?
• Do you harbor frustration, impatience, or other forms of anger toward your spouse?
• Are you holding on to unforgiveness because of something your spouse has done in the past?

Time to Reflect

If you hope to avoid being alone in your marriage, you must work through these communication killers. Identify what is hindering you from having this kind of relationship with your spouse. Consider the three hindrances I suggested or identify other sources for what’s impeding your biblical koinonia. Begin a process of change so you can successfully remove anything disrupting your conjugal community.

Practical Suggestion

Ask the Lord to give you time, context, and courage to discuss these questions with your spouse. The questions below are your koinonia starter pack—sample questions you can ask your spouse to build koinonia. You may add more questions to this list. Plan a few uninterrupted date nights where you can talk. No dinner and a movie; just you and your spouse, eye-to-eye, communicating.

1. Will you help me in this [name a specific area of temptation] in my life?
2. What is God doing in your life—the good and not-so-good?
3. What specific areas are you still struggling with?
4. What have you lately read or heard that is helping you in your sanctification?
5. How can I serve you in a [name a specific area of sanctification] in your life?
6. What has God taught you recently? How have you applied it to your life?

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Rick Thomas

Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.

In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).