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Blessed is the man against whom the Lord counts no iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no deceit. For when I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer (Psalm 32:2-4).
Though the relationship between our spiritual and physical selves is subjective when applied to a particular couple, there is a biblical precedent regarding the adverse occurrence of sin and its biological effects. David was living in sin. He would not confess his sins, and his lack of honest confession took a toll on his body. Physical atrophy is one of the effects of sin. In David’s situation, repentance led to biological restoration. However, this problem becomes exponentially more complicated when another person’s unconfessed, unforgiven, and unrepented sins continue within a relationship. Like David, I can repent and find restoration if my sin affects my health. If someone else’s sin affects my health, I am at the mercy of that other person to remove their sin from our relationship. In some marriages, the wicked spouse does not repent, leaving the offended spouse vulnerable.
I was listening to a podcast from The People’s Pharmacy that reminded me of this concept. A podcast where Joe and Terry Graedon share their perspectives on health-related issues. Here is an excerpt from the podcast, which is not what that episode was about but part of their usual eclectic introduction, where they talked about current headlines and medical updates.
Social isolation is a recognized risk factor for morbidity and mortality, but interacting negatively with family, friends, and neighbors has drawbacks. A ten-year study of nearly 10,000 middle-aged Danes found that those who had acrimonious relationships were far more likely to die from cancer, heart disease, liver disease, or accidents. The research estimates that frequent arguments or stressful demands from close contacts, such as partners or children, could increase the risk of death from any cause by at least 50 percent. Constant arguing had an unusually adverse effect, and men who were out of work seemed to be most vulnerable to this stress. Investigators speculate that conflict management skills could help people lead longer, healthier, and happier lives.
I do not believe a valid argument would dismiss the connection and interplay between our physical and spiritual selves. The real issue to consider is to what degree a person is affected by the ongoing, unrepented sin of another person. This issue is both genuine and subjective. I have experienced this when public speaking. In the early years of ministry, I had difficulty dealing with fear when it was time to speak. This fear had a measurable, physical effect on my body. A spiritual issue—fear of man—played out in my physicality. My body settled down when the speaking event ended, and everything was normal. There are other physical/spiritual interplays in my life, and I am sure you have your stories too. For example, exercise is not a cure-all for depression, but it can be part of the overall solution for some people who are depressed. In other situations, I have recommended physical exercise in the context of a person’s spiritual well-being. I have seen measurable results with a few individuals who have added this discipline into their daily routines.
This discussion stirs a few concerns, especially from a person who is in a non-redemptive relationship. Here are four of those possible concerns:
So we do not lose heart. Though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day (2 Corinthians 4:16).
In the grander scope of the human condition, we all are victims. The sin of Adam and Eve created a death march toward the grave (Romans 5:12). We are victims of the cosmic crime between God and man, and God justly punishes us for such offenses. There is a physical depreciation at conception because death is part of the equation. Like driving a new car off the car lot, it becomes of lesser value after you take it home. Sin is constantly affecting us in atrophic ways. We are in a constant degenerating condition because of human depravity; Paul called it wasting away. You must determine if your declining health is the typical wasting away process of growing older or if a toxic relationship is making things worse. It is probably both if you’re in a sinful relationship. You are growing older, your body is breaking down, and an acrimonious relationship speeds up that decaying process. You should consider both possibilities and do what you must to stay healthy.
Because we are victims of Adamic sin, the impact of corruption on our lives can be degenerative. Thus, we must talk about the transformative power of the gospel that God gave us. It is important not to lose heart, as Paul said. God is merciful. He does not leave us to fend for ourselves. He always provides a way of escape when offenses, whether Adamic, ours, or from others, bring temptation into our lives (1 Corinthians 10:13). The possibility of escape is the good news because a person could be tempted to give up, choosing not to access these means of grace the Lord gives us. The temptation to quit and not to fight is always real and enticing. Many adults give up the fight against sin and let their bodies go. They feel the gravitational pull of death on them, and rather than finishing strong, they yield to the ever-increasing physical and spiritual tugs. Whether it is the degenerative effect of the sins of Adam or the sins within your interpersonal relationships that you are uniquely bound to, there is grace for these matters.
If I were in a situation where my spouse’s unrelenting meanness and other sins were affecting my health, one of the things I would consider is separation. Of course, this response should motivate me to wade through these waters with carefulness. Biblical grounds for separation, which leads to divorce, are adultery and desertion. A sinful, unrepentant spouse does not fall within those parameters, but this does not leave you helpless. For example, if a person is physically or sexually sinning against you, we are talking about crimes and sins, which are punishable by law. If someone physically or sexually sins against you, do not hesitate to report the crime to the authorities while escaping the situation. If someone knows about these sin crimes, they must report them immediately. If someone is sinning in these ways, there is one option: you run and report the sinning criminal to the authorities. This responsibility is not negotiable. For Christians, there is a process for sins that adversely impact a person’s spiritual and physical well-being, and that method may include separation.
If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses (Matthew 18:15-16).
The first call to action is to appeal to the abuser—if it is possible. In some situations, this is not possible or wise. For example, I am not talking about sexual or physical sin. In those cases, you do not appeal first; you run from the violence. In other situations, where your physicality is not in the kind of threat that sexual and physical sin cause, you appeal to the person to stop. If the person does not stop, you call for help. Do not try to persuade a sinful, prideful, domineering person to cease to be domineering on your own. The Lord gave us a process for these mean people. You have an advocate in the body of Christ—an excellent means of grace—to come alongside the victims of sin. Many people will read this and say, “Yes, but my church does not have the means, competency, or concern to help me.” In some situations, we have failed the body of Christ. I am critiquing myself here, too. I am speaking about us—the body of the Lord Jesus Christ as manifested in our local churches. Many Christians live in marriages where the church does not pursue, help, or hold sinners accountable.
This reality is where we must be careful. It would be misguided to lay people’s sinfulness in the church’s lap. That is not a reasonable charge, nor is it biblical. Many churches are stellar in the fight against sin. They are like me in that the need for help is far greater than any person’s or institution’s ability to provide. It would be placing the cause of the problem on our local churches. Undoubtedly, the church can and should do a better job, but the real issue is how sinful people do not want to change. It is similar to the hospital: the help is available, but the person who needs the help must access it. Many, if not most, of the people who live in unrepentant sin are defiant and elusive. They are not part of a local church, which puts the local church at a disadvantage.
So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin (James 4:17).
I have never met someone who truly wanted to change and could not change. If a wicked person wants to stop his wickedness, the transformative gospel, with or without the local church, has enough power for him to do that. If you are in a sinful relationship, do not keep silent. Find a way to speak out; go for help. Our ministry has been a refuge and a lifeline to many people who have found nowhere to turn. We are not the local church or a replacement for the local church, but we can complement the local church by bringing care to the body of Christ. We also have been a means of grace to help churches learn how to be helpful in their discipleship practices. I permit you to share our content and ministry with your church. It also may be possible for you to find a counselor who can come alongside you to help walk you through a dangerous relationship. Do not try to fight the fight against sin alone, whether it is your sin or the sin of others. In the context of this chapter, I’m speaking of the sins of others. Your spiritual and physical life will be affected in proportion to the amount, degree, and type of sin waging war against you.
Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.
In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).
