Powerful and Practical Questions to Change Your Marriage

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Most of the counseling that I do is marriage counseling because it is in the context of marriage, where two sinful people have to live within proximity to each other for an extended period. Most other relationships have an exit strategy. Kids can leave the home—eventually. Friends can unfriend each other on social media. Like good wood, church folks can split, too. However, in marriage, it’s death or divorce, making the degree of difficulty for leaving more complex. What if a couple had a biblical strategy, creating a restorative pathway to bring hope and help to their covenant while staving off the worst possible scenario?

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I Quit

The hardest relationship situations to work through are those from which you cannot escape. Anytime you put two or more fallen people in contexts from which they cannot leave, there will be problems. Angry teenagers are a case in point. Rather than working out the problems with their parents—assuming the parents are mature enough to want to work out the issues—they mark the days until they can get out of their home environment. They naively believe the problem is with their parents primarily rather than in themselves. For many of these teens, it will be another fifteen years before they see how the main problem is in their hearts—if they see it at all. Many of these kids will drag their dysfunction into their marriages, creating another opportunity to respond differently.

The dating relationship is another context that is easy-come-easy-go. You can date a guy or gal, and if you do not like them any longer, you can ditch them and find someone else. Naive and immature dating is the training ground that teaches people to give up on future marriages. Frustrated church people will quickly jump to another church if that is an option because leaving is less complicated than working through messy conflicts. The workplace is similar to the church environment when things become hard and seemingly unresolvable. I am not saying it is wrong to leave a relationship. There are times when the best option is to leave an adverse situation or toxic relationship. It does not have to be a sin to leave. I have left jobs and churches because staying was unwise for our family and me.

So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin (James 4:17).

I Fight

Of course, there are times when you should fight for the relationship, and it would be sinful to leave. Many marriages end prematurely because one or both partners give up too soon for the wrong reasons. Divorce in our culture is easy to secure. Plus, there is hardly a stigma today, and the process can be virtually painless if both parties want out more than they want to fight for their covenant. Each person has to establish what is right by seeking the Lord, the Word, and the community of faith, which might vary depending on the situation and context. Without question, it is right to fight for the continuation of a relationship in most cases.

Not attempting to revive what you once believed was God’s will would be wrong, which is why I challenge anyone unhappy in their marriage. Before you give up and give in, make sure you have done adequate soul-searching and self-analysis and sought communal input. There are things you can change about yourself that would benefit the relationship. I’m not suggesting your spouse will change, but you can, which is a start. Because sin is part of all our lives and because none of us are perfect, it makes good sense to assume we have not attained a level of maturity that would make us innocent of all wrongs in our relationships. Are you willing to fight for your marriage? If so, I challenge you to take these questions to heart while seeking to apply them to your life practically. You can do this in six progressive steps:

• Step One: Read through all of these questions before moving to step two.
• Step Two: Read through them a second time, highlighting the ones the Spirit of God brings to your attention—the ones that speak to how you need to change.
• Step Three: Write those questions out on a piece of paper.
• Step Four: Ask God about how you need to change as you reflect on the questions that apply to you.
• Step Five: Write out specific and practical action points—things you can immediately implement into your life.
• Step Six: Share your reflections, conclusions, and solutions with a friend and ask them to help you fulfill what the Spirit of God is leading you to do.

Marriage Assessment

The husband and wife are a picture of Christ and the church. When people see a Christian couple, they gain ideas about what Christ and the church are like. Their marriage is a sweet savor to God, a blessing to each other, a testimony to the redeemed, and a picture of hope for a culture that has no hope.

1. When was the last time you got away with your spouse to talk about your marriage? Make plans now for your next date night or mini-getaway.
2. Is your marriage moving toward oneness or drifting toward isolation? Why? What are you doing to move it toward oneness?
3. Do you accept and affirm your spouse when they:
   1. Meets your expectations
   2. Does not meet your expectations
   3. Both “1” and “2”.
   4. None of the above.
   • What do you need to change?
4. Do you typically acknowledge your spouse’s strengths and/or weaknesses? Please explain.
5. Do you believe you are the most selfish person you know? If you answered “no” to this question, why?
6. Are you generally quick to speak and slow to listen, or quick to listen and slow to speak? Please explain your answer. Also, if you need to change, what is your plan?
7. What does your spouse do well? What do you need to work on to change you? Make two lists—one for what your spouse does well and the other for what you need to work on to improve yourself. Pray through both lists, thanking God for what your spouse does well and asking God to change you in areas that need improvement.

Marriage and the Lord

The Bible’s message is to help us become better people—redeemed. Can we trust God’s Word to do the same in our marriages? God did not offer us salvation so we would not experience any more trouble. He provides salvation to give us hope and help during our trials and a home in heaven. Our relationship with God and our spouses is similar. Closeness is not compartmentalized: to love God is to love others, or not to love others is not to love God.

1. What have you drifted from or forgotten about regarding your marriage that you need to get back to in your relationship?
2. Do you see your marriage troubles as opportunities to trust God while working through difficulties? What does it mean to find strength through weakness, and why would God bring you to a place of weakness so you can experience His strength? How do you need to change in light of these things?
3. Are you a Christian? Ask your spouse to share with you their reasons why they believe you are a Christian.
4. What are the similarities between your relationship with God and your spouse? E.g., love, affection, impatience, anger, blame, etc. Do you treat your spouse the way you think about and treat God?

Marriage and One Flesh

Beware of over-dependence on your parents. Your spouse is your first relationship. A mom said to her new daughter-in-law: “I have always been the #1 woman in my son’s life, but now you are the #1 woman in his life. I am #2. Welcome to the family.” As parents, we need to be committed to helping our children develop oneness in their marriages. Cut the “unbiblical” cord. It is not biblical to stay dependent on dad and mom after marriage. Keep honoring them, but you need to leave. We must choose to receive our spouse as God’s perfect provision for us.

1. What does honor parents look like after you leave home? What should it not look like in your marriage? What areas do you need to change?
2. What does it mean to you to cleave to one another? How has it worked out in your marriage? What is great? What needs to change, if anything?
3. When was the last time you thanked God for your spouse? When was the last time your spouse heard you thank God for them?
4. Weaknesses are not justifications to reject your spouse. Do you see your spouse as a gift from God, the way Adam saw Eve? How do your spouse’s weaknesses mature you? If their weaknesses weaken you, what’s wrong with you? Why do their weaknesses have so much power over you?
5. What are some of your weaknesses that your spouse fills in so well? Thank God for your spouse’s completion of you.
6. How do you communicate to your spouse that they are a gift from God? Be practical in your thoughts and communication. Do it now.

Marriage and Children

When a child knows that you love your spouse more than you love them, they feel safe because they sense the unity between their parents. Your kids are not listening to you as much as they are absorbing you. Your modeling speaks louder than your words. Your number one responsibility as parents is to become the people you want your kids to be.

1. When you leave one marriage for another, it is just another starting line, no different from your broken covenant. Was getting married a finish line for you or a starting line? What is your answer? What is the difference?
2. Do you love God more than anyone else? Do you love your spouse more than your children? (The answer to both questions should be a resounding “yes.”) If not, why not?
3. What are you modeling to your children that you need to change? Ask your spouse for suggestions.
4. When was the last time your children heard you thank God for your spouse? What do you need to do to be more verbal about your affection for your spouse? How would your children describe your affection for your spouse—assuming they are old enough to understand the question?

Marriage and Anger

The goal regarding conflict is not to be conflict-free but to resolve disputes biblically. The most unresolved conflict has more to do with a lack of forgiveness than a lack of asking for forgiveness. Conflict is a hurt that can go away. Unforgiveness is a hurt that will never go away.

1. Are you surprised that you do not always get along with your spouse? If so, why are you? What things do you need to change to seek resolution?
2. Are there any unresolved issues in your marriage that you have not forgiven your spouse? What does it mean to overlook an offense? How are you doing with transacting forgiveness? What about overlooking that which you should?
3. Will you talk with your spouse about the hurt behind your anger?
4. What hurt are you unwilling to grant true, biblical forgiveness? Will you seek reconciliation today?

Marriage and Sex

Which one of these is most true: If you want a great sex life, work on your relationship. Or, if you want a great marriage, work on your sex life. Sex is the crossroads of your life. All areas of personal difficulty tend to intersect in a person’s sex life.

1. What areas of your outside-the-bedroom sex life do you need to address?
2. What past, unresolved sin issues are impacting your sex life?
3. What needs to happen for you to be other-centered in your intimate relationship with your spouse?
4. Describe your sexual relationship.

Ready, Set, Go

Marriage is a hard journey that can be rewarding. What you put into it will determine what you will get out of it. If you are serious about changing your marriage, what you have read is enough information and instruction to begin that process. The key to making your marriage work is humility. If you are humble, expect God’s favor to assist you as you cooperate with Him and your spouse in revitalizing your marriage. “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble” (James 4:6).

What you have received here is the equivalent of multiple marriage counseling sessions. Take your time as you review and select the questions that apply to you and your marriage. Perhaps your spouse is unwilling to work with you on your marriage. If that is the case, please talk to a leader in your church, appealing to them to find someone of the same gender with whom you can speak about these questions while they hold you accountable for doing all that depends on you to change yourself.

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Rick Thomas

Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.

In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).