Chapter Eleven: Marriage or Mayhem—Marriage Defined

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Marriage is hard. That may not sound spiritual, but it’s certainly biblical. From the moment sin entered the garden, marriage has been both a battlefield and a blessing. And if you’ve ever tried to love someone as much as you love yourself, you know the cost. That’s why this book matters. In Marriage or Mayhem?, I offer more than principles—I offer a framework, a theology, and a map. With years of experience counseling couples in crisis and equipping churches to disciple well, I learned a few things about getting beneath the surface. I name the real problems—idolatry, self-centeredness, functional theology—and bring the only real solution: Christ at the center.

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After tracing the divine design of male and female, observing their unity within diversity, and considering how their one-flesh relationship reflects the very nature of God, we are now prepared to define marriage, not by culture’s shifting categories or personal preferences, but by the unchanging standard of God’s Word. Marriage is not a social invention or a contract between two consenting adults for mutual benefit. It is a sacred covenant established by God, rooted in His character, and designed to proclaim His glory.

Marriage, as Scripture defines it, is a lifelong, all-encompassing union between one man and one woman. It is not partial or provisional. It is not based on performance, emotion, or fulfillment of expectations. It is a comprehensive relationship in which two whole persons, distinct in role and equal in worth, enter into a covenant before God and man to walk as one flesh for the rest of their earthly lives. It is a bond not easily broken, because it is not man-made. God Himself has joined them (Mark 10:9).

This covenantal union involves the entirety of life. It is not restricted to physical intimacy or companionship. It includes emotional sharing, intellectual exchange, spiritual partnership, and missional cooperation. It is not merely the joining of bodies, but the joining of lives, fully, without reservation. The husband and wife are not roommates or business partners; they are co-laborers in the most sacred of human relationships, meant to image God together. This union touches every area of existence. Therefore, to honor marriage rightly, one must enter into it with seriousness, reverence, and a deep awareness of its divine purpose.

Let’s consider some of the spheres in which this one-flesh union is meant to manifest:

• Mind: In a godly marriage, husband and wife engage one another with intellectual integrity and respect. They speak thoughtfully. They listen patiently. They share ideas, convictions, and observations. They do not compete for superiority of thought, nor do they withhold their insights out of fear or pride. Rather, they value each other’s perspectives as essential to shared wisdom. Their minds are not identical, but they share a united purpose. They seek to know and be known, to understand and be understood.
• Conviction: A godly couple shares a commitment to truth, drawn from Scripture. They allow the Word of God to shape their worldview, and they pursue spiritual agreement on the matters that matter most. Though they may have different levels of maturity or understanding, they aim for harmony in doctrine and devotion. They do not use spiritual knowledge to dominate, but to serve one another more faithfully. They speak truth in love, with the goal of mutual edification.
• Spirit: The spiritual union of marriage is central. Husband and wife pray together, worship together, and open the Word together. They engage in mutual accountability and share in ministry as co-laborers in God’s kingdom. Their spiritual lives are not lived in isolation but intertwined for God’s purposes, which is not about religious routine, but spiritual communion: walking in the Spirit together and pointing one another toward Christ.
• Physical: Marriage includes the physical realm, not merely as an expression of affection, but as a reflection of covenant. Physical touch, shared presence, rest, and even recreation all fall under the category of embodied unity. This aspect includes simple acts, such as holding hands, walking side by side, and sitting in silence, that speak volumes about their oneness. Their bodies are not used selfishly, but offered in service to one another with honor and care.
• Sexual: Within the marriage covenant, sexual intimacy is a gift from God. It is not self-serving or driven by need, but a joyful expression of self-giving. As Paul teaches in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, each spouse is called to give themselves to the other, not to demand pleasure, but to pursue mutual enjoyment and service. In a God-centered view, sexual union is not about gratification but glorification, a celebration of covenantal oneness that reflects the delight God has in His people.
• Social: Marriage involves shared social life. Husband and wife cultivate friendships, hospitality, and community together. They pursue common interests, explore hobbies, and delight in experiences that deepen their unity. While individual preferences may remain, the goal is togetherness, not isolation. They do not build two separate lives under one roof, but a shared life enriched by mutual participation.
• Work: Each spouse brings their vocational calling into the marriage. Whether employed outside the home, managing responsibilities within the home, or both, they support each other’s work with understanding, prayer, and care. They do not compete for significance but affirm the value of each other’s labor, recognizing that all work is sacred when done for the glory of God. They carry burdens together and celebrate each other’s accomplishments.
• Goals: A godly marriage is forward-facing. The couple sets both spiritual and practical goals, including short-term and long-term objectives, seeking to walk with God in unity. These goals encompass personal growth, financial planning, ministry engagement, family development, and other shared pursuits. They are not wandering aimlessly but intentionally striving toward a shared vision that exalts Christ.

In all these areas, the goal is not perfection or performance, but partnership. The couple does not look to each other to fulfill needs that only God can satisfy. They come together not as needy consumers, but as whole persons seeking to reflect God’s relational design. This vision of marriage protects them from the trap of codependency or transactional love. Instead, they are bound together in covenant to love, serve, and glorify God.

The marriage covenant, then, is not defined by sentiment, convenience, or compatibility. It is defined by the unchanging character of God and the purposes He established from the beginning. A biblical marriage is grounded in sacrificial love, sustained by grace, and directed by a shared commitment to reflect God’s glory. It is not about meeting needs, but about fulfilling a calling. This kind of marriage cannot be lived out apart from the gospel. Only those who have been reconciled to God through Christ can begin to reflect this kind of selfless, enduring love. Christ is the model. His love is the standard. His Spirit is the source of strength. And His glory is the goal.

Equality and Love

As we continue to reflect on the marriage relationship through the lens of God’s design, it becomes increasingly evident that equality and love are not only compatible but inseparable within a biblical framework. The world often distorts both concepts, either flattening equality into sameness or redefining love as self-fulfillment. However, Scripture offers us something far more profound: a vision of equality rooted in divine image-bearing and a love that reflects the eternal nature of God Himself. We begin with the foundational truth that man and woman are created equally in the image of God. Genesis 1:27 declares, “God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.” Both males and females share the same divine imprint. They are of equal value, equal dignity, and equal worth before their Creator. This equality is not based on role or capacity, but on the inherent image of God stamped upon them by divine initiative. There is no inferiority or superiority in the design—only distinction within unity.

This theological equality forms the basis for the one-flesh relationship in marriage. The husband and wife are not competitors. They are co-laborers. They are not adversaries fighting for power, but companions walking side by side in mutual submission to God’s will. Their respective roles—leadership and submission, headship and help—are not signs of inequality, but expressions of God’s order. Role distinction does not imply value disparity. Christ submitted to the Father, not because He was less divine, but because He delighted in glorifying the Father through obedience (John 6:38). In the same way, the wife’s submission is not rooted in fear or inferiority, but in trust and strength, which brings us to love.

Biblical love is not self-focused or emotionally driven. It is volitional, sacrificial, and other-oriented. John wrote, “God is love” (1 John 4:8). That is not merely a statement about what God does; it’s a declaration of who He is. From all eternity, before time began, God was love. But for love to exist, there must be a relationship. Love requires an object. Love requires giving. Therefore, for God to be love in Himself, He must be relational in Himself. That is what the doctrine of the Trinity reveals. The Father loves the Son, the Son loves the Father, and the Spirit glorifies them both. God has never existed alone; He has always existed in perfect, loving communion. Because man is made in the image of this triune, loving God, he, too, is designed for relationship. Love is not optional to human flourishing; it is essential. But true love cannot be self-seeking. It must be given freely, sacrificially, and faithfully. The love that reflects God is not love that demands or manipulates, but love that pours itself out for the good of another. This perspective is what makes it divine.

Therefore, we now see more clearly why it was not good for man to be alone. Not because he lacked emotional support, but because one person, alone, could not reflect the relational, loving nature of God. Man alone could not image the eternal fellowship of the Trinity. God, in His wisdom, created woman, not as an afterthought or as an accessory, but as an essential part of His image-bearing design. He created her to walk alongside the man, not behind him or ahead of him, but with him. Together, they image God more fully than either could alone. This insight also clarifies why it is impossible to rightly understand marriage—or even attraction—apart from a God-centered worldview. If we remove God from the picture, what remains is a distorted view of love: one that is transactional, unstable, and self-referential. In a godless framework, attraction is reduced to chemistry, love is reduced to sentiment, and marriage becomes a contract for mutual benefit. But within a biblical framework, marriage is a covenant grounded in the eternal character of God, driven by His purposes, and shaped by His love.

And what is the nature of this love? It is not love that demands satisfaction, but love that gives even when there is no return. It is not love that requires reciprocation before it acts, but love that acts because the glory of God compels it. If any Person of the Trinity were to make the relationship about personal need or demand, there would be mayhem. But instead, we see perfect, joyful submission and mutual glorification. The Father sends the Son. The Son obeys the Father. The Spirit points to the Son. No Person demands to be served. Each delights to serve. Their relationship serves as a model for marriage. Not self-interest. Not codependency.

Not emotional scorekeeping. But gospel-shaped, God-glorifying love that says, “I give myself for your good, not because you deserve it, but because Christ has given Himself for me.” It is in this other-oriented, sacrificial posture that true equality and true love flourish.

In marriage, then, equality is not about sameness of function, but shared worth and unified purpose. Love is not about emotional gratification, but about joyful self-giving for the glory of God, which is why this love lasts; it is not sourced in human desire, but in divine nature. And this is the kind of love that turns marriage from a burden into a blessing, not a place where needs are extracted, but a place where Christ is exalted.

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Rick Thomas

Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.

In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).