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One of the most common and destructive patterns in marriage is the subtle reclassification of desires into so-called needs. Suppose you take any of the sub-biblical motivations for marriage listed earlier—such as the desire to be happy, to avoid loneliness, or to be admired—and elevate those desires to the level of needs. In that case, the foundation of the marriage begins to crack. This reclassification sets in motion a self-centered cycle that inevitably leads to conflict, resentment, and eventually mental or physical separation.
In biblical counseling, we frequently encounter this pattern. One or both spouses enter the relationship with a set of personal expectations—desires they hope the other will fulfill. Initially, these desires may seem harmless or even noble. But over time, especially when the desires go unmet, they begin to evolve. Instead of simply wanting something, the person starts believing they must have it. This desire, now rebranded as a need, becomes the basis for demands. Once the demand is issued and unmet, the heart turns toward bitterness, and the relationship begins to deteriorate.
Paul Tripp talked about how this destructive progression typically unfolds like this:
This sequence is one of the most dangerous trajectories in any relationship. The heart begins with something it believes to be harmless, and without biblical restraint, it transforms into a weapon of destruction. Desires are not inherently wrong. It’s the escalation, the sense of entitlement, and the demand for fulfillment from another sinner that breeds ruin. The elevation of a desire to a need leads the individual to interpret their spouse’s behavior not through grace, but through performance. The spouse now exists to serve the idol of personal satisfaction. This heart posture distorts communication, poisons intimacy, and makes conflict resolution impossible without deep repentance. Only when a person sees this pattern for what it is—self-idolatry—can genuine restoration begin.
What I have described thus far is what we might call an earthly marriage. These marriages operate on man-centered ideologies, built on secular assumptions about the self, happiness, and fulfillment. While the labels we use here—subjectivism and pragmatism—are not exhaustive, they help frame the core issues beneath most struggling marriages. We could just as accurately use biblical words like pride, selfishness, or idolatry. Still, subjectivism and pragmatism offer a practical way to categorize how people think and behave in relationships that lack a gospel foundation.
At the heart of an earthly marriage is the self. I define an earthly marriage as one in which each spouse operates from an egocentric mindset. In this posture, the self is placed at the center of the universe, and everything else, including the spouse, orbits around it. In this mindset, objective truth is discarded in favor of what feels right, what makes sense to me, or what I’ve experienced. This motive is the essence of subjectivism. It teaches that truth is personal and that one’s interpretation of life is sufficient to make moral judgments.
People influenced by subjectivism build their lives and marriages on the shifting sand of personal experience, cultural norms, and emotional reasoning. Their past—how they were reared, how they were treated, what they lacked—becomes the measuring stick for what they believe marriage should be. Rather than looking to God’s unchanging Word, they rely on their own instincts, convinced that their heart is trustworthy. But Scripture disagrees: “The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked; who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9).
Anne Frank famously wrote in her diary shortly before her death, “In spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart.” Jeremiah and Paul would take exception. Paul adds weight to Jeremiah’s words in Romans 3: “There is none righteous, not even one…there is none who understands, there is none who seeks for God.” Subjectivism denies this. It insists that if a person follows their heart, they will find their way. The Bible says that if a person follows their heart, they will likely fall into destruction (Proverbs 14:12).
If subjectivism describes the condition of the earthly heart, pragmatism describes its function. Pragmatism is the application of subjectivism. It is outcome-oriented. It says, “If it works, it’s right.” Pragmatism is not concerned with the moral quality of the process—only the perceived success of the outcome. If the result is desirable, then the method is justified, regardless of its alignment with biblical truth. This view is how many approach marriage today. If yelling gets results, they yell. If compliance is achieved through withdrawal, they withdraw. If pleasing their spouse temporarily avoids conflict, they perform. But the heart underneath is unchanged, and the relationship deteriorates in subtle ways.
The major problem with pragmatism is that it operates from a polluted source. Jesus said that a good tree bears good fruit and a bad tree bears bad fruit. A corrupted heart will always yield distorted interpretations, broken communication, and self-serving behavior. No amount of technique or strategy can cover a heart that is not surrendered to Christ. In fact, efforts to “fix” the marriage without addressing the root cause will often only intensify the division. The earthly model of marriage is built on a lie: that man is good, the self is central, and the achievement of personal desires measures success. This model ignores God’s purpose for marriage: sanctification, mutual edification, and a living demonstration of the relationship between Christ and His church. Earthly marriages prioritize peace over purity, comfort over character, and convenience over covenant. They seek results without surrender.
But God’s plan is entirely different. His design is not to simply “fix” our marriages by smoothing over conflict or increasing compatibility. His purpose is far more transformative. He intends to use marriage as a mirror and a chisel—to show us our sin and to shape us into the image of His Son. Only when we reject the subjective and pragmatic approach to marriage and embrace the gospel-centered, Scripture-saturated model will we experience true restoration and joy. What follows are several key insights about how God defines and purposes marriage—truths that will continue to unfold in the sections ahead.
Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.
In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).
