Chapter Fourteen: Marriage or Mayhem—From Here to Eternity

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Marriage is hard. That may not sound spiritual, but it’s certainly biblical. From the moment sin entered the garden, marriage has been both a battlefield and a blessing. And if you’ve ever tried to love someone as much as you love yourself, you know the cost. That’s why this book matters. In Marriage or Mayhem?, I offer more than principles—I offer a framework, a theology, and a map. With years of experience counseling couples in crisis and equipping churches to disciple well, I learned a few things about getting beneath the surface. I name the real problems—idolatry, self-centeredness, functional theology—and bring the only real solution: Christ at the center.

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A marriage that honors God is continually aligning itself with His mind and His Word. A successful marriage is not defined by ease or emotional highs, but by a steady, Spirit-empowered pursuit of God’s design. Such a union submits itself to Scripture, seeks to live according to its truth, and depends entirely upon the grace of God to carry it forward. Whatever fruit comes from that obedience, we must never take credit for it. Every good gift—including a flourishing marriage—comes from the Lord. If there is any strength, any joy, any reconciliation, it is because God has chosen to teach, equip, and sustain us by His grace. I say this to caution against a mindset that subtly suggests we can produce a godly marriage through technique or effort alone. God is not a bystander in the marriage covenant; He is the source and sustainer of every good work within it. A God-centered marriage does not merely borrow biblical language or adopt external behaviors. It is a relationship rooted in the gospel, shaped by grace, and oriented toward the glory of Christ.

With that in view, here are several practical ways a husband and wife can begin restoring or strengthening their marriage immediately. These are not steps toward personal happiness; they are acts of worship and obedience:

• Work together through the questions and projects at the end of this book.
• Write out specific ways you can practice the one-flesh traits listed earlier—Chapter 11: Marriage Defined.
• Pray daily for your spouse. Record your petitions and watch how God answers.
• Set aside time to pray with your spouse every day, even if brief.
• Start a thanksgiving list focused on your spouse. Add to it daily and offer it to God.
• Make a covenant to address sin promptly: deal with offenses at the moment they occur. Do not delay.
• Communicate creatively every day: a note, a text, a kind gesture, a touch, a word of encouragement.
• Go to bed together as a habit, prioritizing shared time at the close of the day.
• Share the responsibilities of home life with joy and cooperation.

These practices are not mechanical rituals; they are expressions of biblical love. But biblical love must be rightly understood. It is not driven by emotional return or measured by what one receives in response. Biblical love is a God-centered, sacrificial commitment that takes action without expecting anything in return. It is doing your duty before the Lord—loving as He commands—without tying that obedience to a demand for reciprocation. Love in marriage must be marked by joyful spontaneity. You do not know what each day holds. You cannot predict how your spouse will respond. But you do know your calling: to love, to serve, to give, and to forgive. That calling does not change with circumstances. It is your God-given responsibility to love your spouse even if they do not presently return that love. When your heart is tempted to expect reward or recognition, you must take those expectations to God in prayer and thanksgiving, lest they curdle into entitlement and resentment.

Your expectation should not be centered on what your spouse might do, or even what God might do for your marriage. Your expectation must be rooted in what God has already done and in what He has called you to do—to be faithful. Your greatest hope is that God will supply you with the grace necessary to fulfill your role, regardless of the response. This role is not a passionless duty. It is love infused with the very character of Christ, modeled after the standard set by Paul in Ephesians 5:22-33. The bar is high because the pattern is Christ Himself. But by God’s Spirit, it is a goal we strive toward daily, trusting not in ourselves but in His faithfulness.

A Marriage with a Mission

A clear, Christ-centered mission should guide every marriage. In counseling, I often ask couples to write out a mission statement for their marriage, not as a slogan, but as a spiritual compass. Paul’s instructions in Ephesians 5 provide a solid framework for such a purpose, one that elevates the relationship beyond personal benefit to eternal significance.
You could shape your mission around these four aims:

1. To reflect, in our marriage, the relationship between Christ and His church, to the glory of God.
2. To demonstrate that same relationship to one another in daily sacrifice and service.
3. To manifest that relationship to our children, extended family, and Christian community.
4. To live out that relationship before a watching world as a living testimony of hope in Christ.

Such a mission gives shape to your decisions, conversations, prayers, and priorities. It keeps you from drifting into mere cohabitation and compels you toward unity that glorifies God. It is a banner to fly over your home, not only in the joyful seasons, but especially in the difficult ones.

Pray:

May our relationship be a sweet offering to God,
a blessing to one another,
a testimony to our families and friends,
and a demonstration of Christianity
to a world that has no hope.

Pray regularly and specifically that God would give you the grace to maintain this kind of relationship. Ask Him to teach you, correct you, and guide you. Pray that you would take full responsibility for your role as a spouse—accountable before God, intentional in action, and consistent in love. Ask Him to continue working in your spouse’s heart, as only He can, and that together, you would remain steadfast in your shared mission. Let your marriage not simply endure, but shine as a testimony to the gospel of Christ and the faithfulness of God.

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Rick Thomas

Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.

In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).