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Bert has been married to Mildred for 23 years. Recently, the tension in their already unstable relationship reached a boiling point. During a heated argument, Bert physically struck his wife. In response, Mildred contacted the authorities. The police arrived, Bert was arrested, and after a brief detainment, he was released. Now he sits in my office, emotionally volatile and confused. Mildred has made it clear: she does not want him back in the home. Bert, for the time being, is living with his brother across town. Together, they have four sons, all of whom are teenagers. Their family life has never reflected the biblical ideal of marriage or parenting. In fact, from the very beginning, their relationship was built on shaky ground. Before they were married, their relationship was sexual, though they did confess this sin years later and sought forgiveness. Both Bert and Mildred claim Christ as their Savior, and they have been nominal members of our church for the past 13 years. However, their participation has been minimal, sporadic, and more cultural than convictional. Christianity, in their minds, seemed more like a social accessory than a life-altering submission to the Lordship of Christ.
There were a few unspoken (but clearly operating) assumptions about church life in their home:
Bert often used Scripture, especially Ephesians 5:23, as a spiritual trump card: “The husband is the head of the wife.” That was his go-to verse, his shield of defense whenever challenged. It became clear, after several counseling sessions, that Bert’s understanding of marriage was entirely self-centered. His interpretation of headship meant entitlement: he believed marriage existed to serve his purposes, meet his needs, and reinforce his authority. He never grasped the sacrificial love and servant-leadership that Ephesians 5 actually teaches. By our fourth session, I began uncovering deeper roots. Bert was reared by a domineering father who maintained order through intimidation and coercion. In his childhood home, fear reigned. His father’s word was law. Bert never questioned his father’s authority, and neither did anyone else. This heavy-handed template shaped Bert’s understanding of manhood and marriage.
For him, “a well-ordered home” meant silence, compliance, and control. He believed his wife’s failure to submit was the reason their children disrespected him. The issues he wanted to address were Mildred’s “rebellion” and the boys’ lack of reverence. He didn’t see the larger problem: his misuse of authority and misunderstanding of love. In Bert’s mind, control equaled success. His vision of marriage was grounded in fear—fear of failure, fear of rejection, and most deeply, fear of not living up to his father’s harsh expectations. As the chaos in his home grew, so did his fear. And as the fear intensified, so did his behavior. He became increasingly agitated, controlling, and aggressive. The more he lost control, the more desperately he tried to reclaim it. His life became a self-destructive loop. Eventually, that loop climaxed in physical violence—the striking of his wife—and the unraveling of his family.
Although Bert could quote Ephesians 5:23, he completely ignored verse 25: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” That kind of love—sacrificial, selfless, redemptive—was foreign to him. His lack of theological depth and absence of personal application created a toxic environment in his home. Compounding the issue was his unresolved resentment toward his father. Bert had adopted his dad’s model of manhood, believing that it would produce the same results: external order, respect, and family control. But he failed to understand that his father’s model wasn’t God’s. Bert’s identity and actions were shaped by his fear of man (Proverbs 29:25), both in how he perceived his father’s legacy and how he expected others to perceive him. His life spiraled out of control because his expectations were unmet, and his idolatries were unfulfilled.
His desire for a loving wife and obedient children was not wrong in itself. The problem was that Bert elevated those desires to non-negotiable needs. Once his wife and children failed to meet those newly minted needs, he made demands. When the demands went unmet, he formed expectations. When expectations failed, he sank into disappointment. From disappointment, he transitioned to punishment—emotional withdrawal, mental manipulation, and eventually violence. Bert’s marriage was deteriorating not only because of outward behaviors but also because of deep-rooted misconceptions. Seven in particular stand out.
#1: The Purpose of His Marriage
This misconception is the foundational error. Many failed marriages stem from a misunderstanding of the purpose of marriage. When asked why he got married, Bert hesitated, shrugged, and said, “I don’t really know.” That response is alarmingly common. People marry for companionship, security, or sexual fulfillment, but without a God-glorifying purpose, the marriage is vulnerable to collapse. Marriage is not primarily about happiness, but about holiness. It’s a sanctifying tool designed by God to shape us into the image of Christ. Without that understanding, Bert treated the marriage like a contract for benefits rather than a covenant of service.
#2: That Marriage Is for Life
Bert’s thinking was short-term and selfish. He lived for the moment and made decisions based on convenience. Mildred’s thoughts, desires, and needs were secondary to his own. He stayed out late, engaged in leisure activities on weekends, and avoided meaningful engagement with his wife. He did not understand that, second only to his relationship with Christ, his wife was his most important human relationship. The biblical covenant is not temporary or revocable; it is permanent, intended to last “as long as we both shall live.” God hates divorce (Malachi 2:13-16) and affirms the lifelong nature of the marital covenant (Matthew 19:5-6; 1 Corinthians 7:10). Bert ignored this, focusing on what pleased him in the present, not what honored God in the long run.
#3: The Uniqueness of Marriage
Bert failed to grasp that marriage is a unique relationship. The intimate bond between husband and wife is meant to reflect the enduring, sacrificial love of Christ for His church (Ephesians 5:25; John 13:1). This is not a disposable connection. It is a unique covenant that requires daily self-denial, sympathy, and perseverance. Bert’s inability to embrace this led him to treat Mildred as an object of utility rather than as a sacred companion.
#4: The Sexual Relationship
Bert reduced intimacy to a tool for personal gratification. He believed that sex was his right and that when his needs were unmet, he was justified in seeking satisfaction elsewhere. This view contradicts 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, where mutuality and selflessness are emphasized. He did not aim to serve his wife but to be served. Hebrews 13:4 teaches that marriage and the marriage bed are to be honored, but Bert’s view was tainted by selfishness and shaped more by cultural norms than by Scripture.
#5: Marriage Requires Effort
Bert expected marriage to thrive without labor. He thought the emotional energy and attentiveness that came naturally during dating should somehow sustain the marriage indefinitely. When problems arose, he did not press in; he withdrew. Proverbs 14:23 states that there is profit in all labor, which includes both psychological and spiritual labor in marriage. Yet Bert, like many in our culture, avoided discomfort. He was unwilling to do the hard work of reconciliation, listening, confessing, and rebuilding. As a result, the relationship crumbled.
#6: No High View of Marriage
A marriage that survives must be Christ-centered, not self-centered. Bert and Mildred looked at each other, not to God. Their focus was horizontal, not vertical. Without a transcendent goal—God’s glory—their marriage had no sustaining purpose. A high view of marriage includes making God central in the relationship (Colossians 1:18; Matthew 6:33). Bert had no such framework. He expected Mildred to meet his deepest desires, which had now become needs, something only God could do.
#7: A Foundation of Worship
Ultimately, Bert’s marriage failed because it was built on the wrong foundation. His life and relationship lacked worship. He viewed God as a concept to be used, not a King to be served. He never asked what would glorify God in his marriage; he wondered what would satisfy him. Without repentance and a radical reorientation around Christ, Bert’s marriage could not withstand the pressure of sin, disappointment, and unmet expectations.
This case illustrates a sobering reality: many marriages are built on faulty foundations. Until the heart is changed, the home will remain in chaos. God is not simply interested in behavior modification—He desires heart transformation. Marriages like Bert and Mildred’s can be restored, but only when Christ is made central and each partner embraces God’s purpose, power, and perspective.
Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.
In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).
