Chapter Thirteen: Marriage or Mayhem—Singleness

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Marriage is hard. That may not sound spiritual, but it’s certainly biblical. From the moment sin entered the garden, marriage has been both a battlefield and a blessing. And if you’ve ever tried to love someone as much as you love yourself, you know the cost. That’s why this book matters. In Marriage or Mayhem?, I offer more than principles—I offer a framework, a theology, and a map. With years of experience counseling couples in crisis and equipping churches to disciple well, I learned a few things about getting beneath the surface. I name the real problems—idolatry, self-centeredness, functional theology—and bring the only real solution: Christ at the center.

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Some may take exception to the assertion that marriage is necessary to fully image God’s relational design. Their concern is often rooted in passages such as Matthew 19 and 1 Corinthians 7, where both Jesus and Paul speak to the value—and even the blessedness—of singleness. And indeed, this is a valid and important consideration. Scripture clearly affirms that singleness is not a lesser state. It is not a problem to be fixed, nor an incomplete version of humanity. It is a legitimate and God-ordained calling, granted by the Lord to specific individuals for His sovereign purposes. In Matthew 19:12, Jesus speaks of those who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. He acknowledges that this calling is not for everyone, but clarifies that for some, singleness is a gift—an intentional, strategic opportunity to serve God with undivided focus. Similarly, in 1 Corinthians 7, Paul advocates for singleness under particular conditions, not because marriage is flawed or undesirable, but because certain contexts—such as persecution, missionary labor, or urgent gospel advancement—may benefit from the flexibility and focus that singleness allows. Paul, a single man himself, is a compelling example of someone who stewarded that gift well.

However, Paul is careful to balance his instruction. He does not denigrate marriage. On the contrary, he refers to it as honorable and right. He even goes so far as to call marriage a mystery that refers to Christ and the church (Ephesians 5:32). Therefore, the affirmation of singleness in Scripture is not a contradiction of marriage’s theological significance, but a contextual application of God’s sovereignty and providence. Where sin and the need for redemption are present, there is also the need for the propagation of the gospel. And in that context, God raises up individuals who can serve Him more freely as single persons, unencumbered by the rightful concerns of a spouse and household. It is crucial to note that when marriage was instituted in Genesis 2, it was within a sinless context. There was no need for gospel proclamation because there was no fall, no alienation, and no need for reconciliation. The institution of marriage, then, was not a redemptive response but a creative design. It was established to reflect God’s nature—His relational being, His image in plurality, His delight in unity. Singleness, on the other hand, comes into sharper theological focus after the fall, within the redemptive storyline of Scripture. It becomes a means not of reflecting the full relational unity of God in the same way as marriage, but of serving God’s redemptive purposes in a broken world.

Nevertheless, it must be stated clearly: singleness, when stewarded biblically, can still powerfully reflect the image of God. Although not through the marital one-flesh union, the single believer reflects God’s nature through a faithful relationship with others within the body of Christ. The church, after all, is not a collection of isolated individuals, but a unified body composed of many members (1 Corinthians 12:12-27). A single person who is embedded in their local church, actively participating in mutual edification, submission, encouragement, and accountability, images God more fully than one who lives in spiritual isolation. We might even say that a single believer, faithfully walking in covenant community with their church, is participating in another form of “two becoming one”—not in marriage, but in union with the body of Christ. This view is especially significant in the New Testament age, where the church becomes the central institution through which God is glorified and the gospel is proclaimed. The single believer, committed to the life and mission of the local church, becomes a vibrant testimony to the sufficiency of Christ and the richness of fellowship in the Spirit.

There are other relational structures as well that, while not equal to marriage in design, still reflect aspects of God’s relational nature. Consider the employer-employee relationship in light of the Lordship of Christ. Ephesians 6:5-9 addresses this dynamic, calling both servants and masters to act with mutual respect and accountability before God. Or think of the spiritual friendship between David and Jonathan, a relationship marked by covenantal loyalty, sacrificial care, and God-centered encouragement. These relationships, too, can bear witness to God’s character.

Ultimately, the issue is not marital status, but rather relational engagement. Whether married or single, a believer is called to reflect the God who is never alone, never self-centered, and always outward-moving in love. A single believer who lives as a relational hermit does not accurately reflect God. But a single believer, rooted in biblical community, devoted to Christ’s mission, and walking in submission to spiritual authority, offers a compelling picture of God’s nature and the power of the gospel. Marriage is a primary picture, but it is not the only one. The glory of God is too vast to be contained in any single form of human relationship.

Yet in each case—marriage, singleness, church membership, friendship, or service—the principle remains: we are most like God when we love others well, give ourselves sacrificially, and live not for our own sake, but for the sake of His name.

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Rick Thomas

Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.

In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).