Chapter Two: Marriage or Mayhem—Purposes for Marriage

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Marriage is hard. That may not sound spiritual, but it’s certainly biblical. From the moment sin entered the garden, marriage has been both a battlefield and a blessing. And if you’ve ever tried to love someone as much as you love yourself, you know the cost. That’s why this book matters. In Marriage or Mayhem?, I offer more than principles—I offer a framework, a theology, and a map. With years of experience counseling couples in crisis and equipping churches to disciple well, I learned a few things about getting beneath the surface. I name the real problems—idolatry, self-centeredness, functional theology—and bring the only real solution: Christ at the center.

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When I began pressing Biff about his complaint—“I didn’t get married for this!”—I asked him the obvious but crucial question: “Why did you get married?” Without hesitation, and though he used different words, his answer reflected what I’ve heard from many others over the years. Paraphrased, Biff essentially said, “I got married to get my needs met.” His answer was not unusual. In fact, it is tragically common among Christians and non-Christians alike. Many enter marriage under the assumption that it is designed to fulfill them, to fix them, or to give them something they believe they lack. However, this consumeristic view of marriage is a superficial response, one that ultimately leads to dissatisfaction, disillusionment, and conflict when the other person fails to meet expectations.

The following are common reasons people give for getting married:

• I wanted to be happy.
• I needed to get away from my dysfunctional home.
• I wanted what my parents had—or what they didn’t have.
• I wanted to prove that I could do marriage better than others in my family.
• I got married so I could have sex without guilt.
• I wanted children.
• I was tired of being alone.
• I liked the idea of being in love and having someone in the house.
• I believed it was better to marry than to live together in sin.

Although these motives may sound different on the surface, they all orbit around the same center: the self. Marriage becomes a vehicle for personal gain, an attempt to satisfy inward longings, soothe unresolved pain, or construct a life that delivers happiness. These are not necessarily evil desires, but when they become ultimate, they morph into idols.

Need Deficit Theories

This self-centered approach to marriage is what I refer to as “Need Deficit Theories” (NDT). Rooted in humanistic psychology, these theories teach that people are inherently needy, lacking something essential within themselves, and they must go on a lifelong quest to have those needs fulfilled, typically by others. Popular terms like “self-esteem,” “felt needs,” and “personal significance” are all fruit from this same tree. In essence, these theories suggest that you are incomplete without someone else to fill your cup. Others might refer to this as the “empty love-cup syndrome.” The Bible calls it something much different—idolatry. These perceived “needs” are not neutral. They are often deeply entrenched demands of the heart that have been elevated to the status of god-replacements. The Bible calls them idols because they take the place of God in our affections and motivations.

Here is a representative list of common so-called felt needs that often drive behavior, especially within marriage:

Each of these can dominate the heart and become a master. And once a person begins to believe that one or more of these must be met by a spouse, they hand over control of their contentment to another self-centered sinner. As Edward T. Welch wisely observes in When People Are Big and God Is Small (paraphrased): Whatever you interpret as a need, that need will ultimately control you. This natural inward curvature of the soul is why we must take care how we define our “needs.” If we believe that we must be loved, we will manipulate, control, or despair when we are not. If we think we must be respected, we will punish or withdraw from anyone who fails to meet that expectation. These dynamics are often subtle, yet spiritually destructive.

Christ Our Example

To truly understand our so-called “needs” within the context of marriage and life as a whole, we must reorient our thinking around the life and example of Christ. Our natural inclination is to interpret life through the lens of what others owe us or what we are missing. But Christ shows us a radically different pattern. He did not build His life around personal fulfillment or human affirmation. If anyone had the right to expect honor, recognition, loyalty, and love, it was Jesus. And yet, during His earthly ministry, He received almost none of what the world considers essential to personal wholeness.

Jesus was despised and rejected by the very people He came to serve. He was misunderstood by His own family members, including His mother and brothers. The religious leaders, those who should have recognized the Messiah, ridiculed Him and accused Him of blasphemy. Crowds who once followed Him later turned away from Him. In His most agonizing hour, He was forsaken even by His closest disciples. And ultimately, He was brutally executed—crucified by the very world He came to redeem. If fulfillment depended on love from others, admiration, approval, or even a sense of belonging, Christ’s life would appear to be a failure by all human standards.

Yet, in the face of all this rejection, Christ was not emotionally unstable. He did not descend into bitterness or allow these unmet “needs” to determine His identity or actions. He remained steady, resolute, and purposeful. Why? Because His identity and mission were anchored in something greater—something eternal. He was not governed by fluctuating human responses. His life was ordered by a singular, unshakable aim: to glorify His Father. He says in John 17:4, “I glorified you on earth, having accomplished the work that you gave me to do.” This worldview was His foundation. His joy, peace, and sense of fulfillment did not come from others but from obedience to the Father’s will.

This Christ-centered mindset stands in direct opposition to our Adamic nature. In Adam, we are self-seeking and self-serving. We long to be adored, respected, heard, understood, and esteemed. Our flesh craves comfort and recoils at any form of neglect or rejection. In Christ, however, the orientation of the heart is reversed. We no longer live for self but for the glory of God. This inner conflict—the pull between the old man in Adam and the new creation in Christ—is the battleground for every believer. And nowhere is this tension more visible than in marriage. Marriage has a unique way of exposing our functional theology—what we truly believe about God, others, and ourselves. When we view marriage as a platform for personal fulfillment, unmet expectations will breed frustration, resentment, and eventual conflict. However, if we view marriage as a means of sanctification—a divine context for glorifying God and dying to ourselves—then we can endure the hardships with hope, humility, and a sense of purpose.

James 4:1–3 offers a powerful diagnostic tool for understanding the root of relational strife:

“What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.”

James pulls back the curtain on our conflict. He does not blame our spouses or circumstances. He targets our hearts. The fights we have are not the fault of what our spouse failed to do, but rather what we demand they give us. These demands—whether for respect, intimacy, affirmation, or control—are often rooted in idolatrous desires. And when those idols are not served, we lash out, withdraw, or manipulate. Marriage becomes the arena where these hidden idols are revealed—not because marriage creates them, but because it disrupts our ability to keep them satisfied. This revelatory fact is one of the blessings of biblical marriage: it forces us to confront the places where our hearts still crave something more than God. Until a couple is willing to identify and repent of these self-centered motivations, the cycle of frustration will continue.

True transformation in marriage begins not with better communication techniques or improved conflict resolution strategies—though those have their place—but with a reorientation of the heart toward God. We must ask, “Whose glory am I pursuing in this marriage: mine or God’s?” The first and most essential step toward a God-centered union is recognizing that the purpose of marriage is not to fulfill us but to conform us to the image of Christ through mutual sanctification. When glorifying God becomes the primary aim of both spouses, marriage shifts from being a battleground for personal rights to a workshop of grace. The joy of this shift is that we are no longer enslaved to our unmet “needs” or controlled by what our spouse does or doesn’t do. We are free to love, serve, forgive, and endure, not because our spouse deserves it, but because God commands it and empowers it by His grace. This perspective is Christlikeness in action, and the only path to a marriage that magnifies the gospel.

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Rick Thomas

Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.

In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).