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Biff grew up in a rural, unremarkable environment where the grind of daily life consumed his childhood. If he wasn’t in school, he was working—out of necessity, not choice. His home was filled with tension. His parents barely tolerated each other. His reflections of those years are memories of silent meals, loud arguments, and a countdown for the day he could finally leave. As a child, Biff lived with an inner narrative that declared his life lacked meaning, importance, or value. He didn’t think anyone truly saw him. He acted impulsively, did what seemed right in his own eyes, and pushed through with an anger that masked the ache in his soul.
Like all of us, Biff was born with an emptiness—a gaping hole that came because of the sin of Adam(Romans 5:12). Instead of turning to God, the only One who can fill the void, Biff dug his cisterns. These man-made vessels held no water (Jeremiah 2:13). They offered illusions of hope but always came up dry. In the absence of Christ, Biff defaulted to his instincts. He trusted in himself. He became a self-reliant man, acting as though his survival depended on no one but him.
His education was subpar. His parents had little interest in his academic development, so he coasted through school with minimal effort. Though he had natural intelligence, he lacked direction or motivation. Biff later married, not out of a sense of purpose or calling but simply as a way to escape the dysfunction of his childhood. It was another turn at survival—a quick solution to a deeper longing.
Shortly after marrying, Biff heard about the gospel from someone who cared enough to share it. In time, he came to believe in Christ. The Lord regenerated him. For the first time, he had a sincere and earnest desire to know God. His church received him warmly and encouraged him to serve. The thought that someone might value him, especially in the body of Christ, was thrilling. Before long, opportunity knocked: he started attending a small Bible college.
Biff was experiencing things he had never known. He was surrounded by morality. His family was unified and loving, at least outwardly. He was studying for a college degree, something he had abandoned long ago. He thought he was becoming somebody. His lifelong thirst for significance was being quenched. As Biff began to grow in his understanding of God, life made sense, and he had a purpose. As time passed, things started to shift. Biff’s growing contentment was not entirely rooted in Christ. He clothed it in Christian language—talking about serving the Lord—but in truth, the ministry was his identity and sense of worth. Jesus Christ was his Savior, but his performance is what satisfied these deeper longings.
This misplaced identity began to erode his leadership at home. Ministry became more compelling than family life. His vocational zeal overshadowed his role as a husband. His wife and children noticed the change, but no one in the church seemed to question it. In fact, his church affirmed his ministry involvement, applauding his visible progress. No one was asking about character, private discipline, or shepherding at home. When Biff’s wife began to pull back emotionally, unwilling to affirm the version of Biff he had become, his response was tragic. He spiraled into fear, control, manipulation, intimidation, and withdrawal.
Biff craved the applause, admiration, compliments, and status. The respect he received from his local church and ministry connections became an intoxicating drug. This craving for affirmation and validation, a desperate hunt for self-worth, began to destroy the very thing that should have mattered most: his family. Eventually, his wife reached her limit. She left.
One of the most challenging and complex tasks for a biblical discipler is helping a person recognize that the longings they chase are not the primary issue. The issue is their view of God and self. The person does not believe their root problem is self-centeredness, coupled with their misunderstanding of who Christ is. Instead, they define their need by what they want: significance, admiration, love, respect, comfort, security, and meaning. They may not articulate these things, but you will discern them quickly as you listen to them talk about their problems.
When those desires are unmet, the empty love cup will talk endlessly about their problems, dwell on how others have wronged them, and talk about their struggles. They walk through life expecting others to fill what only Christ can satisfy. They are entitled, self-centered, and spiritually blind, albeit most of them would never discern such deprivations of the soul. Biff didn’t understand how his unchecked desires were insatiable. They devoured his relationships. The more he pursued these so-called needs (love, honor, peace, and success), the less satisfied he became. His life became a mirror of Jeremiah 17:9, a deceitful and unknowable heart. Proverbs 14:12 became his path because it seemed right to him, not knowing it led to relational death.
The influences that shaped Biff’s worldview steered him into a Christless, man-exalting quest for significance. His worldview demanded too much from others, especially those closest to him. Let’s be clear: the desires themselves weren’t necessarily wrong. It’s not sinful to want things from life, like a meaningful vocation or to delight in other blessings. God gives good gifts. The problem emerges when those gifts begin to rule us. When they are foundational to our identity, then they are no longer gifts, but masters that enslave. Only Christ can satisfy the God-implanted desire for peace and purpose. Trying to satisfy those longings apart from Him always leads to relational dysfunction and a parched soul.
Why am I telling you these things? Because I am Biff. This story is my story. I was a little boy eaten up by the fear of man, without a Savior, and left to figure life out through self-reliant means. What I have written in this book explains what was wrong with me and what Christ did to change me. It was not an easy path, but it became a redemptive one.
So, let me ask: do you long to be loved? Do you want to matter? Are you searching for value in what you do? If so, I urge you to look to the gospel. I know it sounds simplistic. It may even seem like a cliché. But hear me: take a moment right now to consider the gospel truly. Go beyond your initial conversion memory and meditate on the story of a holy God who chose to send His Son to die in your place.
Preach that gospel to yourself. Today.
Right now.
Do you know how to do that? If not, stay here and keep reading.
Real satisfaction begins when the gospel becomes your daily lens. Jesus rescues sinners by offering Himself. What greater proof do you need that your life matters? What could compare to the love displayed in the gospel? What title, accomplishment, or relationship can ever surpass the cross? What pursuit will ever bring the peace that Christ alone supplies? Living in the practical reality of the gospel reshapes everything. It transforms your marriage, your identity, and your purpose. Biff did not know that. Then he forgot about it. He acknowledged the gospel at the point of salvation but abandoned its daily power. He operated by religious effort, not relational intimacy. His service replaced his Savior. Without realizing it, his joy evaporated, and his relationships collapsed.
He believed the gospel saved him, but he saw work ethic as the core of sanctification. He spoke the right things, but his heart leaned into legalism. His fruit was self-effort and broken relationships.
Don’t walk that road. Let me challenge you to examine yourself:
If these questions are hard to answer, I encourage you to spend more time in this book, using it as a mirror. Let this book, but mainly the Bible, expose, convict, and redirect. Christ is enough. The gospel is sufficient. Rediscover your significance in Him. It may serve you well to go through it again. Reflect on each question from each chapter. Ask the Spirit and a close friend to take this journey with you. You are a faithful traveler now. Imagine what might happen if you retrace your steps through this book with a friend.
I do appreciate you reading it. I trust it served you in some meaningful way, pointing you back to Christ as your only source of true rest and lasting identity. If it has been a help to you, would you consider sharing it with someone else? These truths were never meant to be carried alone. The battle to rest fully in Christ is not a one-time event; it is a daily and lifelong pursuit. While there is joy and progress in the journey, the struggle itself does not disappear. The temptation to live for the approval of others, to let their opinions define us, remains near at hand. But Christ is nearer still.
Thank you for allowing me the privilege of walking beside you, even briefly, as you labor to make Christ your all. May He become your security, your joy, your hope, and your reward—today and every day.
Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.
In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).
