Roasted When You Order
Get 10% off and FREE shipping on your first coffee subscription order.
Use code “BREW” at checkout.
Shop Now
Get 10% off and FREE shipping on your first coffee subscription order.
0
Photo: ©Monkey Business Images via Canva.com
You may want to read:
This idealistic worldview was exactly how the members of the local church viewed Biff and Mable—their very own “Ken and Barbie.” They were the picture of Christian success: high school sweethearts, faithful through college, and both had saved their first kiss for their wedding day. Beautiful, accomplished, and visibly committed to Christ, Biff and Mable hosted a small group in their home and were admired by nearly everyone who knew them. Bob, one of the men in the group, often found himself silently wishing his wife could be more like Mable. Bob’s wife rarely came to the group, and some had quietly wondered if she was even a believer. A few years earlier, Mildred had committed adultery. Though she and Bob reconciled after a brief separation, their marriage still felt fractured, hollowed out by past pain and present distance. There was still a deep ache, a silent tension that hung in the air every time she was mentioned.
Then there was Marge. She harbored a different longing. Her husband, though a kind and steady man, showed little interest in spiritual leadership. He was always working, and she often felt like an afterthought in his busy schedule. She envied the way Biff seemed to nourish and cherish Mable, or at least how it looked from the outside. He would pray over her, listen attentively, and share Scripture with the group, painting the portrait of a spiritually vibrant home. Week after week, the group gathered in Biff and Mable’s warm and welcoming home, eager to sit under Biff’s leadership and learn about godly marriage. To everyone watching, it appeared that this couple had found the secret. They had “figured it out,” having navigated the cultural minefields and relational pitfalls with wisdom and grace. That’s why it stunned the group when Biff quietly announced that he and Mable were beginning marriage counseling.
The news dropped like a stone in a still pond. Eyes widened. Hearts sank. An unspoken thought rippled through the room: “If Biff and Mable are struggling, what hope is there for the rest of us?”
To understand the challenges of marriage properly, we must return to where it all began—Genesis 2 and 3. While most believers are familiar with the entrance of sin through Adam and Eve’s disobedience, fewer fully grasp how the consequences of that rebellion still shape every marriage today. In Genesis 3:7–10, we see the immediate impact of sin: shame, fear, and relational fracture. The once-perfect union between man and woman was now marked by shame and blame. What began as “very good” in Genesis 2 quickly spiraled into disorder by Genesis 3. And as sons and daughters of Adam, we all inherit the fallout. We bring a sin-bent heart into every relationship, including marriage. To see the full picture of how the fall affects the institution of marriage, we must not only consider the presence of sin but also the specific judgments God pronounced on Adam and Eve. These divine declarations shape the human experience to this day:
We accept these as standard elements of life in a fallen world. Even regeneration does not remove these realities; we still labor, suffer, and eventually die. But there’s another judgment, one that has profound implications for marriage: “Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you” (Genesis 3:16). To understand this passage, we must unpack the word desire. Some assume it implies sexual longing or romantic attraction, but that interpretation doesn’t hold when placed within the context of judgment. God had already commanded them to “be fruitful and multiply” before the fall (Genesis 1:28). The word desire here carries a different connotation, one made clearer in Genesis 4:7, where God tells Cain that sin “desires” him, meaning it seeks to control and dominate him. That same word is used in both passages. This insight reveals that the woman’s desire for her husband is not affectionate or intimate but competitive and controlling—a longing to assert, to take charge, to lead. Meanwhile, the man, rather than lovingly serving and shepherding his wife, will be tempted to dominate and rule without grace. As John MacArthur notes:
He’s going to rule her in ways that lack compassion and sympathy. This is how it is in the world.
In this post-fall world, the marriage relationship is no longer naturally cooperative but marked by tension and struggle. The woman often finds her desires unmet, not because they’re necessarily wrong or selfish, but because her husband does not love her perfectly, understand her deeply, or lead her gently. Her sorrow is not just in bearing children; it’s in bearing the ache of relational unfulfillment. This dynamic is woven into the very fabric of fallen humanity. And mysteriously, as Moses wrote, “The secret things belong to the Lord our God…” (Deuteronomy 29:29). Though we cannot grasp every reason why God ordained things this way, Proverbs 4:23 reminds us that everything we experience flows from the heart—and our hearts, touched by the fall, carry this brokenness into marriage. No couple is exempt. This fact isn’t merely a problem for the struggling—it’s a predicted dysfunction baked into the human story. But it’s not the final word. As we’ll see, it’s precisely this context of tension that makes the grace and truth of the gospel so powerful, even in the messiest marriages.
Man’s fleshly fallen leadership has led to great suffering and sorrow for women throughout history. Men have used and abused women and treated them unkindly, unfaithfully, and indifferently. They have demonstrated little compassion while expecting everything out of them but giving them little in return. Despite awareness in these areas, the exploitation of women continues in society. As E. J. Young explains:
Emancipation of women is an illusion. A woman cannot free herself. She is not the equal of the man. Only before God is she equal. Although there was an original divinely planned subordination for the woman, this was to be a blessing for her. The man was to be her head in the sense that he loved her with a love in which no sin was mixed. Instead of the mild and tender love of Eden, the husband would now domineer over his rebellious wife. In many parts of the world, the role of the woman has been reduced to that of virtual slavery.
This sobering insight helps explain the widespread relational disillusionment we see today. It is no wonder the divorce rates are greater than fifty percent, and why the feminist movement is appealing. Whether you are Christian, non-Christian, married, living together, well-prepared, or just winging it, God’s judgment for sin will lead to relational discord.
Our human problem is not merely sociological; it is spiritual. The consequences of the fall are still unfolding in every generation and household. And unless the gospel reshapes our thinking about gender, leadership, and love, even the most well-meaning relationships will fall short of God’s design. For men, especially, the temptation to dominate, withdraw, or neglect remains strong when they are not filled with the Spirit and walking in submission to Christ’s example.
The gospel is a story of restoration. Through Christ’s life, death, and resurrection, God redeems what sin has broken, including marriage. And yet, if the gospel is so powerful, why do many Christian couples still struggle? Why do couples like Biff and Mable, with such seemingly strong foundations, find themselves in counseling? Often, believers turn to Ephesians 5 for marital guidance. Wives are called to submit to their husbands (Ephesians 5:22), and husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25). These verses are frequently cited as the formula for a godly marriage. But there’s a subtle and dangerous misunderstanding here: these commands are not the solution to marital conflict; they are the fruit of a deeper solution. The true source of strength for marriage is found a few verses earlier: “Be filled with the Spirit” (Ephesians 5:18).
This verse is not a throwaway line. It’s the pivot on which the rest of Paul’s household instructions turn. The Greek word for filled implies an ongoing, active process—not like a glass passively filled with water, but more like sails being filled with wind. It’s not about static achievement but dynamic dependence. This imagery is crucial. As new creations in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17), we must rely on a power outside ourselves (John 15:5). We cannot fulfill God’s vision for marriage in our strength. Like a sailboat is useless without wind, a Christian marriage without the Spirit will drift into frustration, control, passivity, or pride. Only as we adjust our sails—moment by moment, decision by decision—can we move forward in harmony with God’s design.
This truth is visually captured in the mind map. On the upper right side, you can see how our flesh can dominate when a Christian quenches or grieves the Spirit. A heart captured by the gospel will be motivated to continually adjust the sails in proportion to participating in the various means of grace God provides to be mature. While we don’t know what is going on behind closed doors with Biff and Mable, we know the common tendencies that produce conflict in marriage: rebellion from the wife and poor leadership from the husband. If they are not walking in the Spirit, Biff’s leadership will drift anywhere from being too harsh to too absent. Mable’s submission will turn to rebellion, ranging from full-blown disobedience to quiet withdrawal.
Biff and Mable had a great marriage resume. There were no entanglements from past relationships, no past sins in their sex life, and no shame from poor choices as teenagers. These gifts left them vulnerable to a common mistake mature Christians can make, which is approaching marriage through self-reliance. They were trusting in themselves and not in their daily need for the Holy Spirit to deliver God’s grace to overcome their natural desires. This miscalculation is an example of how an unguarded strength can result in marital weakness. Every marriage must anticipate the Lord’s curse to be part of their marriage. All Christians are undergoing the process of sanctification, and thus, the partners will be wrestling with their flesh. Instead of trusting in their pedigree, Biff and Mable need to continually adjust their sails to walk in the Spirit while not gratifying the desires of the flesh (Galatians 5:16).
Bob, who wishes his wife were like Mable, will need to think through how the Lord’s curse has affected him and his leadership approach to Mildred. Though he has received the Spirit (John 7:39) and is free from the power of sin, he continues to live in a body of death (Romans 7:24). This means his flesh will battle with the Spirit (Galatians 5:17), and if he faces this battle on his own, his flesh will win. Moving forward, Bob needs to admit his need and seek the Spirit’s help humbly. It won’t be easy because this kind of request goes against his nature. It may also not seem fair since Mildred is rebelling, plus there is no guarantee she will respond to his humble leadership. The better he grasps what can be gained through the gospel, his heart will desire to reflect Christ’s love (Romans 5:8). He will be motivated to put to death his fleshly nature and look for ways to serve and love her more effectively (Ephesians 5:26). His focus needs to be on Christ (Hebrews 12:2) as he cooperates with the Spirit to receive the grace to respond in love. He also needs to recognize how this dynamic plays out in his wife. If Mildred is not saved or does not participate in the various means of grace needed to mature her, then her flesh will win. Teaching her Ephesians 5:22 may prick her conscience, but it will not give her power to obey.
Marge’s husband, while a Christian, appears to be leading her in a self-reliant, flesh-empowered manner. Compared to the world, he is doing well, but without the Spirit, he will be unable to love his wife and family in a way that will protect and purify. He will not receive the grace he needs to serve them after a busy day. He will not be able to minister to his family’s spiritual needs. Marge will need to address her heart, too. She is not immune from fleshly tendencies. She needs to recognize her craving to have her own way. She needs to examine her actions to see if she is trying to take control through deceptive manipulations. What seems like innocent disappointment may actually be the fruit of deeper rebellion. She must bring her desires into submission to Christ and trust the Spirit to do what no amount of pressure or planning can accomplish.
True transformation in marriage does not begin with better communication techniques, more effort, or even biblical roles alone. It starts with Spirit-filled people who are willing to put to death their flesh, walk in humility, and serve one another in love. The curse has touched every marriage, but so has the cross. And in Christ, there is grace not just to endure each other but to become instruments of transformation in each other’s lives. The gospel is the hope for Biff and Mable. It is also the hope for Bob and Mildred, for Marge and her husband, and for every couple willing to adjust their sails to the Spirit’s wind.
Marital conflict exists in all marriages. The good news for Christians is that we have access to the Spirit to reverse our problems. The bad news is that our self-reliant desires can lead us away from the enabling Spirit of God, one of the key schemes of the enemy (2 Corinthians 2:11). He uses the world to entice our flesh. If we are not constantly tending the sails, we will allow our flesh to dominate, and enmity will re-enter our marriages.
