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Mable struggles deeply with insecurity. Three primary shaping influences have led to Mable’s fearfulness. Adam has shaped her. People like her siblings, parents, and close friends have shaped her, too. The choices that she has made throughout her life have been significant shaping influences. Everyone in her Bible study knows about her fear struggles, so they typically tip-toe around her because she responds in anger whenever someone annoys her. Last year, the group leader, Marge, called on Mable during group time, asking her a personal question. While it was an appropriate question, it mortified Mable. She tightened up as fear gripped her, and a surreal tenseness came over the group.
Afterward, Mable sent Marge a nasty email, letting her know how hurt she was and that she had better not do it again. Since that time, Mable has been the de facto leader of the Bible study. No one knows that Mable has taken the role of the unspoken leader of the group except for Marge. Even Mable does not see how she leads the group. Because of Mable’s insecurity and reactive anger, Marge is unwilling to delve into any personal relationship with her. The effect of Mable’s sin has an even more profound impact on the group, which requires Marge to lead the group around Mable’s weaknesses.
Part of Marge’s abdication of leadership of the group is that she sincerely wants to care for her weaker sister. But it’s also true that Marge has backed off from leading the group because she is afraid of Mable. She never knows how Mable may respond or take any offense at something. From Marge’s perspective, going deep with the group is not worth the mess it might cause. So, she caters to Mable’s weaknesses, and the group never goes beyond being stuck in superficiality.
But there is more. After Mable exploded last year, she now assumes the liberty to bring other assessments about how Marge leads the group. None of her critiques help anyone. Mable unwittingly speaks without any inhibition, coupled with a fear that anyone would challenge her, especially Marge. She hides her fear by taking the offensive. Her criticisms serve as a regular reminder that you had better not say anything out-of-line to Mable. Her critical spirit dampens the entire demeanor of the group. On the days she does not show up, the group takes on a completely different atmosphere and attitude. The difference is evident to all.
Sadly, gossip and grumbling have crept into the group. The members are wrestling with their frustration about the group’s sanctification stagnation. They know that Mable is the culprit, but no one is willing to address the problem. They have chosen to uncharitably talk about what has become known as the pink elephant in the room rather than biblically dealing with it. Descending into the snare of fear is not the practical outworking of the gospel. God wants us to be redemptive in each other’s lives; controlling fear does not permit you to do that. Ironically, all three players—Mable, Marge, and the group—are struggling with the same thing. They are afraid.
At some point, Marge will have to decide whether she is going to lead her group. She can’t continue to let Mable be the unstated, de facto leader. Marge has to carefully and lovingly take charge. If she does not, the whole group could unravel, and escalating unresolved conflict would ensue. One of the more unusual things about Christ was His ability to lead a complaining, insecure, and sometimes angry group of people. He never abdicated His authoritative position. He knew how to avoid the ditches of fear and self-righteousness. Sometimes, Jesus kept His mouth shut because what He had to say was not in the best interest of the group (John 16:12). At other times, He said tough things, even though He knew His words would hurt or offend His friends (John 11:14-15). There are three critical elements of His leadership style to understand when navigating this small group minefield.
Jesus did what was best for the whole group rather than catering to the weakest member of the group. He was never unkind or unloving to the insecure person, but the weak ones did not determine His agenda. Jesus was prepping to leave our planet, but before He left, He wanted a network of reliable and equipped friends who had the competency to push His message forward globally. Though He was not about offending individuals, there were times when Jesus had to say hard things to some folks, even if it meant that some would fall away and not follow Him any longer. As hard as it is to take a stand, He knew the weak could not ultimately control His mission. Jesus would not be able to serve everybody well if He scripted His life and plans according to how the weak wanted Him to be.
This problem occurs in many of our relationships. For example, your child becomes sick and pleads with you not to do what you should do to make him better. Maybe it is as simple as not liking the medicine. Perhaps it is a fear of a doctor or a needle in the arm. It could be something more challenging, like the fear of surgery. As a parent, you have no choice because of the love you have for God and your child. There are times when what is in the best interest of the person (or the group) means pain and suffering. If you have a weak view of love, you will not take a stand for Christ or the group. Alternatively, if you have a low view of love, you will be harsh toward others.
Remember the gospel? It pleased the Father to bruise His Son because of the greater good (Isaiah 53:10). God so loved the world that He did the difficult and painful things to His chosen beloved (John 3:16). If fear controls any of us, it will be impossible to respond to God in obedience with a robust application of love. These decisions are hard to make, but you have to make them carefully, prayerfully, and with wise counsel. A Bible study or small group leader needs to get the counsel of an elder of oversight or pastor. Someone up the chain needs to speak into this situation with Mable. If you don’t have such a person, you can always reach out to us. We’re not the best answer; we are not the local church, but it can be a practical safety net for now.
Maybe someone in the group besides Marge can come alongside Mable to serve her. The goal would be to restore her to God and her group. Mable cannot run the group because of her fears. Marge needs to repent of her fear of man (Proverbs 29:25). She must take control of the group for the glory of God. The group must repent of any gossip about Mable while resisting the temptation to succumb to speech that does not build up each other (Ephesians 4:29). In the best-case scenario, Marge, Mable, and the group will repent to God for their unique fear of man sins. Should Marge become the de facto leader, and Mable and the group follow, they will become a sanctification group. Of course, it is possible that Mable does not repent and may leave the group. Marge cannot become a mini-messiah. She must entrust these things to the Lord, caring more about His opinion of her than Mable’s.
When the young man heard this, he went away sorrowful, for he had great possessions (Matthew 19:22).
Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.
In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).
