Thoughts on How to Build with Each Other Relationally

Photo: ©Jacob Lund via Canva.com

Where do you begin when it comes to establishing and building friendships? May I suggest that you start with an uber-honesty with God? Building relationally with others should always begin with the Lord. Start by telling Him what He already knows about you. If you are married, you want to bring your spouse into these intimate and vulnerable moments with the Lord. Most of us have a secret world of shame, hurt, pain, and dread. With baby steps, you begin sharing your vulnerable self with those you trust.

You may want to read:

• Budget Some Sin Into Your Small Group Experience
• The Revolutionary Cure for a Shallow Small Group Experience
• There Are Times When You Have to Get Into a Conflict

When Pursuing Others

Next, you begin a search for like-minded believers who want to go to this level with you. Assuredly, this will be like looking for a needle in a haystack, but those people are out there. Ask God to help you find them and then draw them to you. God has been kind to Lucia and me by giving us a small group of believers with whom we can share our most intimate struggles, flaws, sins, arguments, and disappointments. Here are three pointers that have served us well.

• Be Prepared: Don’t assume others will have your vision for or your understanding of true biblical fellowship. Many Christians have not experienced grace-based transparent relationships. Their experience has been more along the lines of judgment and alienation.
• Be Patient: Guard your heart from self-righteously judging others who are not willing to pursue this kind of relationship with you. There are good reasons they are unwilling to go there with you. If you can, help them get there. And, by all means, lead by example. “It is the kindness of God that leads to repentance” (Romans 2:4).
• Be Proactive: If you want this kind of fellowship in your life, you’ll have to purpose to make it happen. It will not happen on its own. People do not, as a general rule, seek to close the gap between who they know themselves to be and the person they present themselves to be.

Fellowship Questions

The following is a list of questions that Lucia and I use to get closer to God and each other. It has taken years to reach this place of triune spiritual intimacy—God, husband, and wife—but it was well worth the process. These questions are perfect for any two or more Christians. Perhaps doing life over coffee with a friend, you might add to our list.

1. Will you help me in this [specific area] of temptation in my life?
2. What is God doing in your life? Be specific, practical, and real with your answer.
3. How is the grace of God working in a particular area of sin? How is He helping you to overcome this issue?
4. What is a specific area in which you continue to struggle?
5. What have you read or heard lately that is helping you in your sanctification?
6. How can I serve you in a specific area of sanctification in your life?
7. What are some ways in which you lead others in helping them grow in their relationship with God?

Thank you for reading my book. I trust it has inspired you to build deeply with at least one other friend. Perhaps the Lord would use this resource in your small group and church. Building deeply with others does not happen passively, automatically, or even with good intentions. It takes determination, effort, a few failures, and perseverance. The good news is that there is grace for our relationships, and as we appropriate it to our lives, we can experience a dynamic life with others.

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Rick Thomas

Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.

In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).