Dating to Divorce

This graphic, titled From Dating to Divorce, lays out a familiar and painful trajectory that many marriages follow. It begins with dating, an artificial season marked by two individuals presenting idealized versions of themselves, concealing or overlooking unresolved issues in their lives. This period can be described as “faking each other out” until marriage, when each person, often unknowingly, brings a mix of personal history, habits, and unaddressed struggles into the union.

The Artificial Season of Dating
In dating, individuals tend to put their best foot forward, hoping to secure a lifelong commitment. This season is characterized by both people focusing on making a good impression, often avoiding conversations or actions that might reveal their insecurities or personal “baggage.” There’s an eagerness to show only the attractive parts of their personalities, overlooking the deep-rooted shaping influences and sin patterns that they each carry.

During this artificial season, it’s common for couples to think they know each other intimately. However, the reality is that they are essentially “strangers” marrying each other. Because they are preoccupied with impressing one another, they don’t fully address critical aspects of their lives—such as their faith walk, handling of conflicts, or vision for the future. These shaping influences remain dormant, temporarily set aside for the thrill and romance of the season, but they resurface once life’s pressures begin to accumulate.

The Early Years of Marriage: Building or Withering
After marriage, the couple enters a new phase filled with work obligations, household responsibilities, and eventually, child-rearing. It’s a busy season, and the demand on their time and energy can gradually distance them from each other. If they lack a network of mature friends or mentors to help them through these adjustments, they may begin to drift apart. Without this intentional investment in their relationship, small issues and conflicts start to pile up—each one a pebble that, over time, becomes a mountain of unaddressed challenges.

In the first five years, if they’re not practicing koinonia (the biblical concept of deep, intentional fellowship), they can find themselves glossing over these issues, assuming that things will eventually work themselves out. In truth, these problems often grow, quietly eroding the foundation of their marriage. During this period, husbands frequently dive deeper into their work, focusing on providing financially, while wives may become more absorbed with rearing children. Each partner begins to form separate identities and find fulfillment outside the marriage.

Sin and Separation: The Subtle Drift
As the years pass, distractions like children, work, and other responsibilities can become excuses to avoid dealing with unresolved conflicts. Instead of bringing issues into the light and working through them, many couples push them aside, postponing resolution and ultimately “kicking the can down the road.” They may not even realize that they’re moving further apart; the changes are subtle, almost imperceptible. What began as a close, seemingly committed relationship at the dating stage has now been interrupted by the busyness and stresses of life.

Sin—such as pride, selfishness, and unaddressed frustrations—creeps in, slowly separating them. They begin to live parallel lives instead of an intertwined, one-flesh union. This drift is rarely intentional but becomes a tragic reality in many marriages, as each partner’s individual pursuits or distractions become more central to their lives than their relationship.

The 20-Year Crisis: A Flood of Past Issues
Around the 20-year mark, a dramatic shift often occurs. With children leaving the home and work stabilizing, there’s suddenly space to face the reality of their relationship. All the unresolved problems they’ve swept under the rug now come back into focus. Couples are left facing an overwhelming accumulation of offenses and unmet desires that were ignored for years, even decades. At this stage, many couples feel as though there is “too much water under the bridge,” and they believe that the relationship is beyond repair.

This leaves them with three options:

• Divorce: Ending the marriage and moving on.
• Live as unhappy business partners: Remaining in the marriage without true companionship, functioning more like roommates.
• Seek help and transformation: Choosing to address the issues through counseling, mentorship, and genuine repentance to restore the relationship.

In too many cases, the distance feels insurmountable, and they choose divorce, leaving family, friends, and even the church community in shock. People often cannot understand how such a “solid couple” could end their marriage, but the answer lies in the invisible dynamics represented in this graphic. The most critical and often neglected element is each person’s shaping influences, which include the beliefs, behaviors, and experiences they carry from their past. These influences, if not examined and addressed, will inevitably shape the marriage—especially when hidden during the artificial season of dating.

Case Study: Biff and Mable
Biff and Mable were long-standing, respected members of their church, seemingly pillars in their community. From the outside, they appeared as a model couple. Biff, a walking Bible encyclopedia, chaired the deacon board for years, known for his knowledge and wisdom. People regularly sought him out for his perspective on biblical matters, admiring his theological depth and commitment. Meanwhile, Mable was deeply involved in the women’s Bible study, where she found a surrogate family. The women in her study became her safe haven—a place where she felt valued, respected, and loved, a contrast to the sense of neglect she experienced at home.

Though Biff and Mable seemed to embody a strong marriage, their union was held together more by appearances than by genuine connection. The reality was that their marriage had been quietly unraveling for decades. Mable’s women’s Bible study became her refuge because Biff had stopped giving her the affection, acceptance, and respect she longed for. What began as small disappointments became entrenched patterns of avoidance and bitterness. Biff’s immersion in ministry and his reputation as a knowledgeable leader created a dynamic where he saw his role as a biblical authority rather than a humble servant in his marriage. His outward dedication to the church masked a lack of true relational intimacy at home.

In time, they had each found other forms of significance and identity outside their marriage. Biff’s identity became rooted in his position in the church, while Mable’s was nurtured in her Bible study group. Instead of working through their disappointments and disconnects, they had both allowed their personal pursuits to become replacements for the partnership they once shared. Their marriage had become an arrangement, a functional relationship devoid of the intimacy and unity they once sought.

When, after 40 years, they decided to divorce, it sent shockwaves through their church. Friends and fellow members were stunned that this “model couple” could fall apart. But they had never truly addressed the unresolved issues they brought into their marriage—their shaping influences, the idols of approval, and the habits of avoidance. Their divorce became a public example of how a marriage can appear solid on the surface but be filled with neglected challenges beneath.

Key Takeaways
This case underscores several vital principles:

1. Shaping Influences Matter: Each person’s past—baggage they carry into the marriage—will surface eventually. Without honest confrontation and resolution, these influences will corrode the relationship.
2. Intentional Fellowship is Essential: The need for deep koinonia, intentional connection and accountability, cannot be overstated. Left to themselves, couples tend to drift, not grow together.
3. Marriage Requires Vulnerability and Sacrifice: True companionship in marriage involves setting aside personal pursuits and pride, continually choosing to invest in each other’s well-being.

Biff and Mable’s marriage and divorce serve as a sobering reminder that appearances can be deceptive. A seemingly strong marriage can hide layers of unresolved struggles, concealed by busyness and the approval of others. Only through intentional investment, transparency, and humility can couples hope to build a relationship that endures the pressures of life and stands firm in Christ-centered love.

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Peace,
Rick