Role of Fathers 2.0

This primary graphic is from our webinar, The Important Role of Fathers, and it speaks to the early stages of a child’s life when they arrive into the world as spiritually incomplete. The image of the child in the graphic as a partially filled circle—like Pac-Man—is a simple yet powerful depiction of total depravity. This isn’t about personality, behavior, or even temperament. It’s about the condition of the heart apart from God. Every child is born disconnected from their Creator, and therefore, in need of something they cannot produce on their own—wholeness in Christ.

The child’s journey toward that completeness is not meant to be random or self-directed. According to Colossians 1:28, the goal of every believer is maturity in Christ—“Him we proclaim…that we may present everyone mature in Christ.” But the path to that maturity must begin in the home. God’s design is that the father would act as the primary human coupler—connecting the child to a right understanding of God the Father.

The mother is critical in the early years of nurture and care. She reflects God’s tenderness and presence in ways that deeply form the heart of a child. But as that child grows, particularly through the stages of development, the father must become increasingly intentional. Not only is he present, but he takes the lead in shaping the child’s understanding of identity, purpose, and relationship. He steps forward as a living, though imperfect, representative of God the Father.

This role is not about perfection—it’s about direction. A father who seeks to model God’s character—His justice, mercy, protection, provision, and love—becomes a living roadmap for the child to follow as they grow toward spiritual maturity. When that roadmap is present and active, the child moves toward a God-centered identity. But when it’s absent or distorted, the child veers toward confusion.

This is why the graphic highlights a confused identity. When the father is passive, absent, or abusive, the child looks elsewhere for identity. Instead of gospel-centered answers to their core questions, they turn to their strengths—sports, work, intellect, humor, gifting, or relationships—to make life work. These aren’t inherently bad things, but used as identity markers, they become distractions from God’s design.

For boys, the core identity questions are: Who am I? What do I do?

These are not superficial curiosities; they are foundational. They speak to a boy’s understanding of himself as an image-bearer of God, a worker, a creator, and a steward—just as Adam was placed in the garden to work and keep it.

For girls, the questions are no less significant: Am I loved? Am I protected?

These questions reveal her relational and psychological assumptions—her desire for covenantal love and strong, Christlike protection. A father who reflects the character of God brings security to these questions. But a father who is disengaged leaves the daughter vulnerable to finding those answers in counterfeit places.

Between the ages of 14–18, if those identity questions are not biblically and relationally answered, the child enters into the most confusing season of development—the sexual years—without clarity. Sex becomes a substitute for love, intimacy becomes distorted, and relationships become transactional. Lust replaces love. The individual who began longing for connection ends up taking advantage of others to meet a craving they can’t even explain.

Case Study: Biff and Mable

Biff was raised in a home where his father was passive. He wasn’t abusive or absent, just silent. He provided, but he didn’t lead. He was around, but not involved. The unspoken message Biff received growing up was clear: You’re on your own.

Left without the affirming, instructive voice of a father, Biff turned inward. He relied on his humor, performance, and ability to get along with people to gain value. But deep down, the two questions went unanswered: Who am I? What do I do? These unresolved identity issues created an invisible yearning—a hunger to matter.

As a teenager, Biff met Mable. She noticed him. She liked him. She responded to him. It was the first time someone seemed to give him the value he never received from his father. But rather than seeing her as a gift to steward, Biff began to idolize her. She became the answer to his identity crisis.

The relationship, which began as a desire for connection, devolved into lust. Biff wanted to possess her, not protect her. Sex became the means by which he tried to secure love. But it wasn’t love—it was manipulation rooted in insecurity.

Eventually, their trajectory led to marriage. But what they carried into that covenant wasn’t just a past; they brought with them a warped foundation. Biff had never answered the identity questions, and Mable had become the replacement god in his life. What was meant to be a relationship built on sacrificial love was instead marked by fear, insecurity, and self-reliance.

A Path Forward for Biff and Mable

To move forward, Biff must first look back, not to dwell on blame but to trace the roots of his self-reliance. His father failed to speak into his life, and that silence created a vacuum. Biff filled it with gifting, performance, and eventually, Mable. But none of those things can do what only God the Father can.

The good news is that God is not like Biff’s earthly father. He is not passive, silent, or absent. He speaks. He pursues. He affirms through His Word and corrects in love. Biff’s restoration begins by returning to that Father—by admitting his misplaced trust, his misuse of Mable, and his idolatry of self-reliance.

He must exchange identity through strength with identity through sonship. He is not what he does. He is not what others say. He is what God says: a child of God, adopted through Christ, created for good works, and called to love sacrificially. Practically, Biff needs to:

1. Confess his idolatry of performance and people-pleasing.
2. Repent to Mable for using her as a functional god rather than loving her as Christ loves the church.
3. Reestablish Christ as the center of his identity—not his role, his success, or his wife’s approval.
4. Relearn love not as desire or affirmation, but as sacrifice rooted in the gospel.

Mable, likewise, must learn not to define herself by Biff’s affection or failures. She is not responsible for his identity, and she must not allow his insecurity to drive her view of herself. Together, they must rebuild their marriage on gospel truth, not emotional needs or past regret.

These aren’t quick fixes—they’re invitations to deeper transformation. Biff and Mable’s hope doesn’t lie in trying harder or going back to the way things were. It lies in surrendering to the Father who has always been present, even when earthly fathers failed.

In Christ, Biff can become the father and husband he never had. In Christ, Mable can find peace that isn’t tied to a man’s approval. Together, they can rebuild, not by covering the cracks, but by letting the gospel redefine the foundation.

Find all our graphics here.

Peace,
Rick