Breaking the Bondage of People-Pleasing

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God will fully receive anyone who accepts what Christ has done on their behalf. The gospel is an incredible, transformational exchange: Jesus takes all our sins and gives us His righteousness. However, though the gospel is powerful and sufficient, not every Christian walks in its practical, daily freedom. Some still live under the soul-enslaving grip of others’ opinions, tethered to man’s approval while unable to rest in God’s salvation.

You may want to read:

• A Practical Plan to Break Free from Being Controlled by Others
• Synonyms for Insecurity, People-Pleasing, or Fear of Man
• When You’re Insecure around Certain People

Let’s meet Mable.

One of the sadder ironies of the Christian walk is that we can know the truth about our standing in Christ and yet continue to perform as though it is our works that keep us in Christ. A believer may realize it’s all by grace, but they function as if it is not. This dichotomy is what traps many believers, especially those with people-pleasing patterns that masquerade as servanthood. For example, Mable has a hard time saying “no.” She calls herself a people-pleaser and admits it freely. Every Sunday at her local church, she’s on edge, not because of the sermon, but because she knows someone will ask her to serve, and she’ll say “yes” again, even against her better judgment. There’s this loop that plays in her mind: “Just say no; just say no.” But when the request comes, she overrides the message in her head. Her “yes” is automatic.

Her frustration has become chronic. She’s overwhelmed, overcommitted, and overextended. Responsibilities pile up while joy disappears. Slowly, the strain is showing in more visible ways: she’s put on thirty pounds in the past three years. Mable jokes darkly that if she keeps this up, she’ll hit 300 pounds by age 60. She fills her evenings and weekends with TV marathons, her escape of choice. Like the ministry leader who turns to porn or alcohol to decompress, Mable has escapes. The fruit of her people-pleasing is a numbed soul and a growing sense of purposelessness.

The Opinion That Matters

When we met, it became clear that people’s opinions had become her functional god. It wasn’t that she had rejected God; she still professed love for Him and spoke of wanting to make His name great. But her practical theology was far more self-protective than God-exalting. She wanted others to think well of her more than she wanted to glorify the Lord. Her craving wasn’t about pure motives gone awry. It was about living in the fear of man while professing to live for God.

Proverbs 29:25 warns us: “The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.” Mable was tangled in that snare. Her choice to say “yes” wasn’t always from love or wisdom. It was a fear-based righteousness, a desire to preserve a good image, to avoid potential offense, and to maintain a good standing with others, even at great cost to her soul. But Mable didn’t need more people to serve. She needed freedom.

Freedom of Christ

Jesus modeled that kind of freedom, a freedom that comes from resting in the Father’s favor and not by chasing human approval. At Jesus’ baptism, the Father declared from heaven, “You are my beloved Son; with you, I am well pleased” (Mark 1:11). His divine pleasure wasn’t based on Christ’s works—He hadn’t even begun His public ministry—but on the eternal love between Father and Son. That’s the foundation Mable needed. The same gospel that declared Christ righteous is the same gospel that cloaks her in His perfection.

If God has already declared you accepted in the Beloved (Ephesians 1:6), who else’s approval are you still trying to earn? Jesus demonstrated this divine freedom in action when Mary and Martha asked Him to come quickly to heal Lazarus. From their vantage point, Jesus delayed. From His, He waited with purpose. “So, when He heard that Lazarus was ill, He stayed two days longer…” (John 11:6). Christ was not driven by urgency or guilt. He walked in wisdom and full awareness of God’s will. This attitude is what people-pleasers lack: the ability to say “no” with peace in their hearts because they’re still internally enslaved to what they believe others think about them.

A Divided Motive

To help Mable visualize her struggle, I drew a diagram. It illustrated the divided allegiances of her heart. Sometimes, she was genuinely trying to glorify God. Other times, the approval of men hijacked her motives. The result led to a confusing tug-of-war. James calls it double-mindedness: fear with the mask of spiritual maturity. Scripture is clear that no one can serve two masters. Though Mable wanted to honor God, she had fallen into habitual compromise. The habit of saying “yes” to others became a form of idolatry. She feared disapproval more than she trusted the Lord’s provision and sovereignty. Paul tells us in Galatians 1:10, “If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” That’s not hyperbole. It’s a spiritual reality. You can’t pursue God’s gospel glory and people’s praise at the same time.

Resting in Another

The gospel reminds us that our works—no matter how noble they are—don’t earn God’s favor. Christ alone is the reason the Father is pleased. He does not need our works to secure His love. He calls us into rest, which is not a call to inaction, but an internal, soul-settling peace. Do you want God’s pleasure? Accept the works of Christ as your own. Lay down the resume of self-justification. Forsake the subtle pride of people-pleasing. Embrace the cross, where Christ bore your striving and offered you rest.

When this gospel truth anchors your soul, it becomes your identity, which changes everything. You are free in Christ not just positionally, but practically. You may say “yes” or “no” with a clear conscience, guided by wisdom and not driven by an approval addiction. That’s what Mable began to learn and apply to her life. Gospel rest is not laziness. It is a Spirit-empowered capacity to live with integrity because your “yes” is yes and your “no” is no. You can make decisions based on God’s wisdom rather than someone else’s assumed expectations. That’s the beauty of transformation: the gospel does not merely save us from hell, it liberates us from ourselves.

Call to Action

Let’s slow down and work through these four questions that will help you assess where your heart stands. Think of these not as tasks to perform but as invitations to examine your thoughts through a gospel lens. Each question leads to a door of greater freedom, but only if you walk through it with humility and reflection.

1. Are you free to say “yes” or “no” because you are resting in God’s gospel goodness? If not, why not? This question exposes your hidden loyalties. Consider whether your “yes” is grounded in Spirit-led wisdom and discernment or people-driven guilt. Think about what rules your heart when someone makes a request: the peace of Christ or the fear of disapproval. If you find yourself controlled by others’ opinions, ask: Where did I learn that I must say yes to be loved or accepted? Maybe a controlling father “trained” you to work for love, not from love. Perhaps a difficult past relationship shaped your beliefs about what’s expected of you. These past shaping influences often masquerade as personality traits, e.g., “She is such a servant,” but in fact, they are soul-level enslavements.
2. Are your desires for obedience motivated by a heart of affection for what Christ has done? If they are not, what’s shaping your motivation? Some believers serve tirelessly, not out of affection for Christ but out of a compulsion to prove their worth. This reaction is counterfeit obedience. It may look impressive, but it flows from insecurity, not intimacy. Is there a past offense that you believe still defines you? Has shame whispered lies about your worthiness? These hidden thoughts quietly shape your service, even if others only see the surface. The gospel does not call you to serve to receive love. It declares that you are already loved, fully and forever. Once believed, this gospel love transforms obligation into adoration.
3. What is it like to experience clear-headed decision-making because you are free from the burden of pleasing God or others by your works? Why do you experience freedom with some people but not others? This question invites you to compare your relationships. There are people in your life whom you can disappoint without fear—why? It’s likely because you believe their opinion doesn’t define you. That belief is key. Consider why others seem to have that defining power over you. What belief lies beneath that fear? Whose opinion have you made ultimate? If your answer reveals to you a power imbalance in your relationships, that’s a signal that someone else’s voice has more control than God’s.
4. Will you take time this week to discuss these things with a friend or a small group of friends? What’s holding you back from inviting others into your struggle? Accountability and community are two essentials for transformation. God didn’t design us to break patterns alone. Inviting others into your battle is not a sign of weakness; it’s an act of humility and faith and faith in God. Perhaps you’re afraid to be exposed, or maybe you’re convinced your people-pleasing isn’t that bad. “But God resists the proud and gives grace to the humble” (James 4:6). Grace flows in the context of gospel-centered conversations where honesty meets hope.

People-pleasing is not a quirk of someone’s personality; it’s idolatry. But God, in His mercy, invites you out of that snare and into His rest. He is already pleased with the work of His Son. He is not looking for your perfection but for your trust. Lay down your fear. Lay down your striving. Lay down your performance. Come to the cross and be clothed in Christ’s righteousness. Let Jesus be your identity. Let Him be your freedom. You are no longer bound. You are free, and in that freedom, you’ll find the courage to say yes or no with clarity, peace, and joy.

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Rick Thomas

Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.

In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).