Marriage Day 10: Something Must Come Between Us

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Life Over Coffee Devotions

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And Jesus cried out again with a loud voice and yielded up his spirit (Matthew 27:50).

I was meeting with a couple who seemed convinced that the other person in the marriage was the biggest sinner in the room. Both of them were clear about how the other spouse was sabotaging their relationship. They had their facts straight, and, for the most part, they were correct in their accusations. It did not matter what angle I took to motivate them to think and act like Christians. Finally, after several attempts to convince them of the futility of their positions, I conceded any further hope of a ceasefire. There would be no redemptive-relational progress that day. They were too mad, too self-justified, too hurt, too unforgiving, and too stubborn to change. At that point, I gave up and recommended that the combatants continue their conflict. Yes, I told them to pursue their anger toward each other. “Keep on keeping on. Duke it out.” I paused and added, “But under one condition, I want to make a stipulation.” I said they could continue to fight all they wanted to as long as I could choose the location for all future skirmishes.

I continued: “I want you to climb Golgotha’s bloody hill, where the multitudes scorned our dying Savior, and His Father judged Him on Adam’s tree (Matthew 27:32-44). I want you to go to Calvary, the place where the crucified Son of God became sin for you and me—the place where the Sovereign Judge punished all our sins (2 Corinthians 5:21).” Christ took this Christian couple’s sin by willingly giving up His life to the scorching judgment of His Father. Jesus’ actions gave this sparring pair a free pass, so to speak; God would never eternally judge them for their past, present, and future sins (John 8:36; Romans 8:1). I further appealed to them as they prepared to duke it out to position their bodies in such a way that the cross of Christ would be in their sightlines. My hope was for them to get so close to the cross that the blood of the dying Lamb could figuratively drop on them as they sought to bite and devour each other (Galatians 5:15).

Then I added that it would benefit them to intentionally, on occasion, glance at that cross during their conflict so that while they were wounding each other, they would be able to be reminded of the One who was wounded for their transgressions (Isaiah 53:5). I hoped that the wooden beam (Matthew 7:3-5) would become an impediment to their blows, that they would have to figuratively stretch around the cross to inflict further pain on their spouse. I wanted the cross to always be in their sightlines, especially as their anger toward each other escalated. As things stood, the cross was not preeminent in their thinking. Christ, at best, was on the periphery of their lives as they persisted in their argumentation and criticalness. I wanted them to visually discern and viscerally experience the historical fact of the dying Lamb of God. I hoped God’s Spirit would burn the gospel deep into their minds and prick their hearts. I wanted them to be affected by the horrible realities of the cross of Christ.

Time to Reflect

1. How does the cross of Christ influence your arguments with your spouse? Please explain.
2. How easy (or difficult) is it for you to know the truths of the cross while holding on to unforgiveness toward your spouse?
3. How does the cross steer you from judgment and condemning thoughts toward your spouse?

Practical Suggestion

What is your favorite song about the cross? If you don’t have one, I recommend “When I Survey the Wondrous Cross,” which is a classic. I want you to memorize a gospel-rich cross song and sing it to yourself throughout your day while asking the Lord to affect you by the death of Christ. Let His death grip and transform your soul. May the cross come between the two of you. Will you and your spouse sing a cross song aloud together?

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Rick Thomas

Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.

In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).