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Life Over Coffee Devotions
Love is patient and kind (1 Corinthians 13:4).
Pragmatic parenting is a rule-based, heavily structured, and self-reliant methodology. Some of the family rules are good and biblical, while others are based on preferences and conveniences. It’s an unwise parenting model.
Have you met the counting lady? Let’s call her Mable. Maybe you have seen her in Walmart, standing in the checkout line. Her 7-year-old son—let’s call him Biffy—was disobeying her, and she was fearfully hoping he would stop being disruptive. Her method for getting little Biffy to behave was to count. 1… 2… 3 …. This method is like a game of dare. Mable begins a slow cadence down a dead-end street, hoping Biffy will get a clue and choose respect and obedience. This method is often the product of a fearful or angry heart.
She may stop counting and start yelling if he does not respond favorably. She may grab a body part to motivate him to cease misbehaving. She will be at a loss if her method becomes punitive and he does not respond correctly. Success in Mable’s mind is an immediate behavioral modification, whether it comes through anger, the infliction of pain, or the threat of future retribution from Biffy’s dad after he arrives home. The sad thing for Biffy is that he will not be transformed from the inside out because the parenting model is pragmatic—immediate behavioral results—rather than centered on gospel truths. If there is shalom in their home, it will be temporary because the transformation comes through manipulation out of fear or anger. In many of these situations, the dad has not been leading the family. He may not be in the picture or have delegated his parental role to his wife because he is preoccupied with more important things like his job.
Part of the parent’s motivation is to keep their child from becoming whatever it is they fear. This “something” is usually part of the parent’s experience. Rather than trusting God by parenting from the Bible, they oversteer the car, choosing to parent from anxious fear. If your parenting is not connected to and does not flow from the gospel, you will set up your children for current frustration and future failure. Many pragmatically parented children spend their adult lives un-parenting themselves. They have to unlearn their parents’ negative shaping influences. If you believe you are a pragmatic parent, the first thing to do is examine your parenting worldview. Do you know how to parent according to the gospel? What is your methodology for cooperating with God in the transformation of your child? Do you primarily parent the way the Lord parents you? A biblical diagnostic that will help you examine your parenting style is 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Read and insert your name into each blank where the word love is explicit or implied in the Bible text.
| is patient | is kind |
| does not envy | does not boast |
| is not arrogant | is not rude |
| doesn’t insist on its own way | is not irritable |
| doesn’t rejoice at wrongdoing | rejoices with the truth |
| is not resentful | bears all things |
| believes all things | hopes all things |
| endures all things |
Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.
In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).
