I Think I Married the Wrong Person

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It is easy to make a decision when things seem clear and the future appears bright. With an optimistic heart, you decide on that thing, only to discover months or years later that it may not be wise to do what you did. What if that decision was to marry someone that you now believe was the wrong person? Sometimes, you cannot redo what you believe is a wrong decision. What are you supposed to do now?

 You may want to read:

• How to Make a Good Decision About Anything “In Faith”
• May I Change My Mind After Deciding Something?
• Setting Aside Your Desires to Lead Your Husband

Marriage Gone Awry

In chapter two, I asked, “What is the most critical question you can ask when making a decision?” The answer is, “Are you in faith to move forward with your decision?” Many times in my counseling career, folks have come to me questioning whether they made the right decision when they got married. They thought they were in love, believed it was the right thing to do, and were in faith, so they got married. But things have gone awry, and their faith for the marriage is now languishing.

At other times, there have been situations where two people were married, but they did not have the best motives for getting married. Now, fifteen years later, they are convinced they made a wrong decision on their wedding day, so the dissatisfied couple is asking why they should stay married. The first couple did not know all that they wished they had known, and the other couple knew better but chose not to respond the right way to what they sensed in their spirit. These dilemmas are more common than you might imagine. Typically, when you fully unpack the above scenarios, two primary issues come into view.

• A Truncated View of the Sovereignty of God
• A Selfish Desire to Escape God’s Work in Your Life

Truncated View of Sovereignty

There is no way to know God’s will with absolute certainty when you look into the future. God does not give us all of the future information we want about our lives. James 4:13-15 teaches us to say that “if it is the Lord’s will, we shall do this or that.” Therefore, the best we can do is move forward by faith. Would you prefer to place your faith in having all the details laid out before you? Or would you rather place your faith in the Lord, knowing that He knows the beginning from the end and that He will take care of you? (See Philippians 1:6.)

Where you land on those questions will determine how you respond when the going gets tough. It is not unusual to get into a future situation only to find out later that the circumstances have taken a turn for the worse (Matthew 14:30). In fact, you can guarantee that part of your future will be disappointing (2 Corinthians 4:7-10). The story of Joseph in the Old Testament is a sober reminder of a person who experienced a future strewn with difficulty. But Joseph had enough sovereign clarity to understand the mysteries of God, knowing the Lord was working a plan for the good of many (Genesis 50:20). His faith was in God rather than knowing all the details of the outcome. In some marriage situations, the relationship has gone wrong, though the person thought it was a good idea in the beginning. In other cases, there is the person who was never in true faith to get married but did it anyway and is now contemplating ending the marriage. In both cases, God speaks to them in two clear ways.

• Option #1: Ultimately, you cannot do anything outside of God’s decreed will. God could stop you if He wanted to do so. We may make our plans, but God is the one who orders our steps (Proverbs 16:9). If He permits your steps, even though they take you to some difficult places, the Lord will be there before you arrive (Exodus 1:5). Even when we mess up, the glory of God will shine through our finite and imperfect planning. Most certainly, our lives are not all about us. God can use sin sinlessly, and even though your choice to marry may not have been the best decision, God still guides by allowing, hindering, or stopping the covenant. Since He did not stop your covenant relationship with your spouse and you are married, now it’s time for you to trust Him and His purposes for your life rather than seeking to end what He has permitted.
• Option #2: God only gives three clear ways to end a marriage: death, adultery, and abandonment. These sad circumstances do not mean that you should dissolve your union, even though in the case of adultery or desertion, it is a biblical option. (See Matthew 19 and 1 Corinthians 7.) Let your next decision be to trust God. Rest in Him. He is perfectly working even when you are not correctly applying. Whether you had the right faith or no faith in your marriage, it is not a biblical option for you to end your marriage. He is calling you to trust Him now, even though you may not have done that as well as you could have when you married.

Desire to Escape God’s Work

Somebody, somehow, and at some level, is being selfish in the marriage. It is always both spouses, though one can be more selfish than the other. If the desire to get married were selfish, it would not be a surprise that the motive for divorce is (to some degree) selfish as well. A better approach would be to work on the issues related to selfishness rather than look for an escape clause to get out of the marriage. Doing things the way you want to do them may be the reason you’re married, but you don’t want to make that mistake a second time by doing what you want to because things are hard for you.

If your motives are not entirely pure at this point, divorce will not rectify the real problem. My recommendation would be to get some help for yourself and fight for your marriage. Your wisdom may be finite, and you’re not entirely comfortable with where you are in your covenant or who you have married, but let me urge you to rest in the One who is not finite, and He can lead better than anyone else. Though it may seem this marriage was meant for evil, I can tell you that God means it for good. Honor your covenant. It will take some work to get there, but it is worth it. Be sure to find competent, biblical help because you’re too subjective now. You need people who are outside of your marriage to help you practically.

Call to Action

1. What does it mean for you to honor your covenant?
2. Have you ever wondered if you had married the right person? Have you worked through the doubt? If not, what is your plan to be at peace with God and your spouse?
3. How would you counsel someone who believed they had married the wrong person?
4. Discuss with a friend how a truncated view of the sovereignty of God has affected your life.
5. Discuss with a friend about how your motives were not pure when you made a decision, but you see God’s hand in it anyway.

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Rick Thomas

Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.

In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).