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Biff had an active sexual life during college. One of his relationships lasted for two years. Her name was Marge. Many people assumed that Biff would marry Marge. After he graduated and took a job in another city, his pace of life picked up, and Marge slowly drifted from his mind and his life. Enter Mable. Once he settled into his new career and apartment and became more of a local, he eventually began to think about companionship again. Mable was a colleague, and though he was initially turned off by her, being with her each day softened his heart.
Mable liked him from the beginning and was persistent in her sly way about getting that first date. Biff did not have a long line of girls seeking him out, so he went on another date with Mable. And then another, and another. Though he wasn’t that interested in her, it was something to do, and she was a girl who liked him, which was a plus. Before long, people were making assumptions about Biff and Mable. Biff didn’t mind. He loved the idea of romance and fun because it brought back memories of the good old days, a carefree time. Living in an apartment alone never appealed to Biff anyway. So, he hung out with Mable. Soon, they became inseparable. He even started liking her.
Biff and Mable were married. They stayed in their careers and worked long hours. They eventually bought a fixer-upper. They put off having children, saying they were not ready for the next big step. Unbeknownst to Mable, Biff’s commitment to her was not that deep. He “loved” her but was more committed to his job than his wife. The sweet things he initially liked about Mable became annoyances, but because of his lack of commitment, he could mostly shrug off the disappointments and irritants. Besides, he had a fall-back plan. He loved his career and was on the rise—a promising new star in his company. Deep down, though, he was not happy. It is one thing to date, but he never realized the commitment and ever-present expectations of marriage. Even with all of the good things coming his way through his job, there was a growing emptiness along with a desire for less attachment to Mable. Biff was set up for a struggle.
Biff was a Christian, and he knew even though he was self-centered, God was somewhere in his mess, and it was wrong to struggle the way he did. So he went to his pastor to get help for the secret thoughts that he could not shake. He gave his pastor the scoop about his marriage, and his pastor began to address some of the significant areas in his life that needed to change.
Often, when a person dies younger than expected, that person can become fixed in time as a perfect individual. JFK was such a person. His life was cut short, and to many people, he is one of those near-perfect American icons. People ignore his womanizing and poor politics. He was on the move, up and coming, and then suddenly, by an assassin’s bullet, time froze him tragically. Because of his death and a lack of technology and media discretion that prohibited the telling of the whole story of JFK, many remember him as a somewhat perfect, iconic person. That happens when we freeze an individual in time, and their true selves do not become known or popularized. Marge was like this to Biff. Because of their innocuous break-up and permanent separation, she was his frozen-in-time lover.
They had a fun-filled relationship that was problem-free because they were in college, drinking in the party scene, rocking out at football games, and enjoying timely breaks from each other. Biff had his life, and Marge had hers. They came together for two to six hours a day, but not every day, and when they did come together, they had fun. The life he lived with Marge was an artificial relational world that was suited to selfish people. The life he lives with Mable is real life with no breaks. With Marge, it was fantasyland. With Mable, it is reality. Biff finds it more comfortable to live in his imagination than his current circumstances. And because he terminated his relationship with Marge, they did not go the distance by entering into the challenges of relationship building through marriage. Thus, all of his memories are good—frozen in time, which is why they are so appealing.
If he truly understood the doctrine of sin, he would know that Marge is a sinner, too. Just because what they did as friends and how they went about doing it did not challenge their relationship, it does not mean Marge is the better gal. Both Marge and Mable, along with Biff, are sinners. It’s not as perfect as he would like to believe. This scenario is the temptation with many couples in troubled marriages or marriages struggling due to past romantic memories. They either think about a previous relationship or dream about a future one and begin to believe that the grass is greener in the past or the future. They willingly blind themselves to the statistical reality that second and third marriages are more likely to end in divorce than their first one. In such cases, their view of sin is corrupted by their lust for self-centered relational gratification.
Whenever a person struggles with past thoughts, in the way that Biff was, it’s a sure-fire clue that there is a lack of aggressive, other-centeredness in the current relationship. Biff’s pastor pointed this out to him. Biff knew it, but he was not willing to be honest about how he presented his thought life to his pastor. He liked Marge better because of how she made him feel. Let’s consider the gospel for a minute. Suppose Christ picked who He wanted to be with based on how the person made Him feel (Romans 5:8). If so, there would be no gospel. He would be like all the other gods from all the different religions: we would have to earn His love because there is nothing attractive about us.
Biff’s marriage is like all the other religions: his wife has to win his heart rather than Biff winning his wife’s heart. The gospel is the opposite of how Biff functions in his marriage. Christ won our hearts rather than expecting us to make Him happy first. Christ had intentional, relational aggression because it was not primarily about what He could get out of the relationship but what He could pour into it, which is not how Biff thinks. “I know, I know,” he says, “I love Mable.” To a degree and in his own way, he does. But he does not love her according to the gospel, which is why her annoyances are so annoying to him.
Our minds do not make us victims, holding us captive. We choose what we put into them. Biff centers his mind on a fantasy that satisfies him while he lives with a woman who cannot compete with his memories. (What he is doing is the essence and the snare of pornography. Porn is mostly a fantasy world of the mind, where perfect people with ideal bodies perform for the willing addict.) Biff has not been careful with his thought life. He finds himself slipping into that fantasy world, even during company meetings. As time goes by, he grows in his disdain for the real people in his real world, especially the imperfect ones who are the closest to him. This snare is why Biff needs to shake himself violently while reorienting his mind back to the gospel.
Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves (Philippians 2:3).
Biff has set up rivals in his mind: Marge and Mable. The former one he likes and the latter one he is growing to resent. The bad news here is that the latter one is his wife. He needs to repent. One of the ways he can change his mind is by reading the rest of the Philippians text, which talks about how the gospel came to become just like us to save us from our sins (Philippians 2:5-11). Biff needs to spend every day of his life asking the Father to purge his mind of self-centered thinking and to give him affection for his wife. He needs to fall in love with his wife the right way. The only way he can do this is by first coming to terms with the gospel.
Our thoughts are not as accurate as we might want to believe. We skew our perspectives, especially when we revisit the past. How many times have you been with a friend, recounting history, and someone who happened to live that experience with you had a different perspective than you? We should approach the historical moments in our lives with humility. Let me make two simple statements—universal truths—to help you get your mind around this idea of historical revision:
I remember many years ago having a conversation with my brother about our childhood. It was interesting to hear his perspective. At one moment in our conversation, I thought to myself, “Was he even in my childhood?” The way he talked about our life together and the way I thought about our life together were, at times, not on the same planet. Here’s the point: Biff needs to hold his past humbly and with suspicion. The humble heart holds things loosely, while the proud heart is inflexible. Being rigid about your past thoughts can lead you into mental bondage and relational conflict.
The only way you can know God’s will with absolute assurance is by looking in the rearview mirror. You cannot completely understand God’s will for the future, but you can know it by looking at what has happened.
Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”—yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. Instead, you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin (James 4:13-17).
The future is opaque, but the past is clear, and we now know that God wanted Biff to marry Mable. How do we know this? Because he did marry her. I do not know all the particulars regarding how he came to that decision, but I do know he came to it, and that is God’s will for his life. Dreaming, hoping, thinking, and maybe even strategizing about another relationship is arrogance and a blatant dismissal of God’s will for Biff’s life. He needs to know this, and he needs to respond to the Lord through full-throated, humble repentance.
So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin (James 4:17).
If he will humble himself to these truths and pursue God and his wife, he will begin to experience a change in his thought life (Matthew 22:36-40). He will fall in love with her, which starts on his knees, in his closet, as he pleads with the Lord to give him deep affection for Himself, first, and then for Mable. It will be vital for his pastor to address the secret motives of his heart. There will be traces of deception and desires that will keep him hooked on a feeling from his past that he does not want to release to the Lord. Gollum called it his precious in The Lord of the Rings. In his heart of hearts, Gollum did not want to let go of the ring of power.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things (Philippians 4:8).
Biff’s story is not unique. Many of us are tempted to revise our past, elevating a memory above our current reality. We deceive ourselves, convincing ourselves that what was left behind is better than what God has given us today. The problem is not our circumstances—it is our self-centered hearts. If you find yourself longing for an idealized past, discontented with the life God has given you, the time for change is now. You must take every thought captive and submit it to Christ’s obedience (2 Corinthians 10:5). Will you do the hard work of renewing your mind according to the gospel? Will you choose to love as Christ loves you—not based on fleeting feelings, but on sacrificial commitment?
Ask yourself:
God’s will for you is not hidden. It is right in front of you. He has placed people in your life for you to love with the same relentless, undeserved love He has given you. You will not fall into biblical love—you must fight for it. That battle begins in your mind, in prayer and repentance, and in the daily choice to think biblically. Will you choose to obey Christ by guarding your thoughts and pursuing love according to the gospel? Or will you continue chasing illusions that will never satisfy? The choice is yours.
Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.
In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).
