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This chapter provides a case study of Biff and Mable, a Christian couple whose story reveals many of these common struggles and also points toward the grace-filled path to healing. Biff and Mable have been married for 21 years. They have three teenage children and are committed members of a Reformed church in their town. They volunteer, attend regularly, and are involved in their congregation’s activities. At a surface glance, they appear to be a solid Christian couple. But underneath the church smiles and filtered social media posts, Biff and Mable have been surviving—barely. They are polite in public but cold in private.
They function more like roommates than lovers. What started as occasional tension has now hardened into deeply ingrained habits of detachment, resentment, and disappointment. On most days, Biff and Mable can get through their routine without passive-aggressive hostility. Their marriage has become transactional, not transformational. They go through the motions. They’ve learned to live with their offenses. But deep down, they don’t trust each other.
What makes Biff and Mable’s case especially tragic is how common their story is in the church. So many couples enter church life thinking that participation in programs and ministries is equivalent to discipleship. They assume that right theology, conservative values, and church attendance will somehow shield them from relational breakdown. But knowledge is not transformation. Doctrine is not discipleship. Without ongoing soul care, relational transparency, gospel correction, and intentional sanctification, sin will fester.
Marriages will break down quietly. The community, unaware and unequipped, will allow it to continue unchecked, which is how Biff and Mable ended up in counseling. The tipping point? Biff was caught in sin. The specifics of his sin matter less than the underlying dynamics that led to it. But the fallout forced them to confront what had been broken for years.
In our first counseling session, I began sketching a mind map as Biff and Mable shared their story. I asked questions about how they interact, what they feel, what they want, what they fear, and how they respond. From this conversation, the mind map revealed patterns that were deeply rooted in both of them: Biff was insecure and Mable was critical. They were stuck in a cycle of disappointment, bitterness, sin, and self-justification.
In the upper left quadrant of the map, I wrote down Biff’s ruling desires. He longed to feel:
| Respected | Appreciated | Significant |
| Loved | Accepted | Secure |
| Valued | Affirmed |
I wrote each one separately because sometimes repetition and varied language help someone identify their idols. Biff resonated with all of them. None of these desires are sinful in themselves. But for Biff, they had become cravings—demands. And when his demands were unmet, they turned into disappointment, anger, and withdrawal.
When cravings for respect, love, significance, acceptance, and appreciation begin to control your heart, you are dependent on the person you expect these things from to satisfy your longings. Your unguarded desires make that person your god. Mable had become Biff’s functional god. And the problem was, his god wasn’t cooperating.
Mable, for her part, had long grown disillusioned with Biff. He didn’t lead. He was passive. He made promises he didn’t keep. Her criticisms didn’t begin as harsh. They started as appeals. But when her appeals were dismissed, ignored, or minimized, she hardened. She began using her tongue not to build up but to tear down. Her words became biting. Her tone sarcastic. Her affection cold.
The power of the wife is in her tongue. In a matter of seconds, she can build him up or tear him down. Mable wasn’t wrong for wanting a godly, mature husband. But her sinful response to his failures added gasoline to the fire. She didn’t cause Biff’s idolatry, but she fueled it. And Biff, rather than running to Christ, responded in anger.
Initially, Biff used anger as a weapon. His outbursts would sometimes temporarily push Mable into compliance. But it was short-lived. When anger failed, Biff turned to pornography. Porn, like anger, was another shortcut. It gave him control. It offered affirmation. It required no vulnerability. Porn is a lazy man’s relief. He knew he could beckon the cyber ladies to his aid.
When Mable discovered this, it didn’t lead to an expected breakdown of the marriage. She didn’t want a divorce. She wanted to protect her reputation. The pain was real, but so was her pride. So, they came to counseling.
In the center of the mind map, I wrote one word: GOSPEL. Not as a cliché, not as a category, but as the actual, practical, heart-level power source they had neglected. There is nothing anyone can say or do to Biff that is worse than what the gospel has already declared about Biff. The gospel says Biff was dead in sin. Wretched. Ruined. Deserving of hell. And yet—redeemed. Loved. Chosen. Adopted. Forgiven.
If Biff truly believed this, his identity wouldn’t rise and fall on Mable’s approval. If he grasped the security of being in Christ, his soul wouldn’t shatter under her criticism. But Biff had a gospel gap. He knew the facts. But he hadn’t absorbed the implications. “Why do other people’s words, insults, or accusations bother you, in light of this gospel truth?” He didn’t have an answer because he was still ruled by fear of man.
Mable needed the gospel just as much. She had her own idolatry: control, perfectionism, image, and moral superiority. Her criticism wasn’t just frustration, it was judgment. She stood above Biff, psychologically and spiritually. She had become his accuser. She needed to remember her own brokenness. She needed to embrace humility. She needed to repent for using her husband’s failures as justification for her own sin.
The first turning point in their story came when both Biff and Mable began to own their sin without excuse. Biff stopped blaming Mable. Mable stopped moralizing Biff’s failures. They began confessing honestly:
They acknowledged that their marriage was not just broken—it was sinful. And they humbled themselves before God and each other.
The next part of the counseling process was rebuilding trust and gospel rhythms:
Biff and Mable’s journey is ongoing. They still stumble and feel the temptation to fall back into old patterns, but they’ve tasted grace. They’ve seen how honest repentance, Spirit-empowered obedience, and gospel-saturated community can restore even the most fractured marriages.
Your marriage may not be just like theirs, but if you’re honest, you probably see echoes of their story in your own. That’s not cause for despair. It’s an invitation to restoration. If the gospel is real—really real—it can change everything. It can humble the insecure. It can soften the critical. It can turn the bitter into the blessed. It can take a cold marriage and ignite it with gospel fire.
Let the gospel be the center of your marriage, not just in name or theology, but in practice, rhythm, and redemptive power.
Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.
In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).
