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Biff likes to say that he is everybody’s friend. Everyone he meets receives a warm smile and handshake. He is one of the most likable people you’d ever want to meet, though his wife does not hold that perspective. Mable sees Biff as a part-time, superficial friend. If the saying, “out of sight, out of mind,” ever fits anyone, it fits Biff to a tee. The problem is that a marriage is not a part-time relationship. It requires ongoing care, love, nourishing, and cherishing. Couples should not press their marriages into the fabric of other relationships as though it was just another thread. But Biff tries to do this, and Mable struggles with their marriage. She says, “He does not have my back,” among a few other noncomplementary clichés.
It was hard for Biff to see this when they first came to counseling. Biff would say, “What’s wrong with liking everyone; doesn’t the Bible say that we should love our neighbor?” Those are easy-to-answer, rhetorical questions, and if I allowed him to maintain his passive, manipulative worldview, the weight of his marriage would continue to crack at its foundations. Biff believes that his popularity and friendliness are virtuous, but in his attempt to love many, he has failed to love one—his wife. The attention he generously gives to acquaintances comes at the expense of his covenant responsibility. The sin isn’t just in the imbalance; it’s in the subtle displacement of priority. Even his schedule testifies against him.
The hours he spends entertaining others or brainstorming his business ideas are never rivaled by the dedicated time invested in nurturing Mable. Over time, Mable has stopped competing for his attention because, frankly, she should never have had to. She is not one of his clients or casual friends; she is his covenant partner, his bride. In Mable’s eyes, her husband is generous with strangers but stingy at home. That is what stings the most. His charm outside the house only highlights the passionate and relational poverty within it. She doesn’t want him to be less friendly with others; she wants a fraction of that care herself. He forgets that loving well begins at home and that loving others is no excuse to neglect the one closest to him.
Biff sees Mable as a disquieted nag who needs to mature by letting him be everyone’s friend, which relegates her to one of the boys status. According to Biff’s manipulating perspective, Mable is the one who needs to change because he’s attempting to live out the second greatest commandment (Matthew 22:36–40). Props to the God card, right? Biff’s unhelpful friends understand the problem because he sets up the scenario to lead them to his prearranged conclusion. They affirmed his spin on things and prayed with Biff, asking God to change Mable. But Biff’s questions were intellectually dishonest. Sometimes a person can ask a question so that there is only one right response, which was the response the person was expecting as he was guiding his superficial friends to his conclusion.
Biff’s queries were more staged, measured, and manipulative than authentic. He designed them to lead the biblical novice to a pre-determined logical answer. He knew his questions shut down any reasonable discourse that could explore all of the issues. It is easy to impress the fifth graders, which is the group that Biff was manipulating, who were his preferred companions. Mable could not confront his biblical logic. It was tight, and Biff had her outnumbered. He also failed to test his theology in the context of sacrificial love. When Christ loved the church, He gave Himself for her—not distracted by opportunities for external accolades or shallow friendships. His love was exclusive in covenant yet expansive in sacrifice. Biff’s misapplication was not merely an interpretive error. It was a cover for selfishness.
Mable would go away frustrated, always knowing that something was not right. She was correct: something was not right. Either Biff was immature and self-deceived, or worse, he was manipulating the marriage to maintain his life the way he wanted. His twisted logic placed the burden of change on Mable, which only accelerated the dysfunction in the union. It was hard to discern whether Biff was manipulating the situation by asking his questions the way he did or whether he was self-deceived. While I hoped it was unwitting ignorance, I’m aware that none of us are as dumb as we sometimes can present ourselves to be. I hoped that the Spirit of God would illuminate Biff and that he would submit to the conviction so heart transformation would happen, and he would come alongside his wife to help restore the marriage.
Though I was unsure of his motives, I believed he was telling the truth according to the dictates of his heart. It was the dictates of his heart that flummoxed me. However, I was confident his approach would not bring biblical resolution. And for the record, Mable had her sins that she needed to address, which she readily acknowledged and wanted help to change. But the burden for change rested on Biff first because he is God’s leader in the family. The husband is the one who sets the example and leads the charge with his humility, repentance, and holiness. If the head is sick, the body will limp. And in Biff’s case, he was not leading but leaving. He was spiritually absent while pretending to be spiritually active. This inconsistency is one of the most damaging patterns in the Christian home—not hypocrisy in profession, but negligence in affection.
Biff’s calendar reflects his heart. His leisure time is with his peers, not his wife. His emotive intimacy is outward-facing, not inward-focused. His life is noisy but empty. Biff has a hard time saying “No.” He is insecure, or what the Bible calls the fear of man. He likes everyone because he wants them to love him. Biff is your classic people-pleaser. But what he fails to grasp is that love without courage is not love. He sacrifices his wife’s heart on the altar of social acceptance.
The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe (Proverbs 29:25).
Biff is an insecure man who wants to be rich and famous. He will tell you that he works to provide for his family. This cliché is another instance of intellectual dishonesty. Biff is not a boldface liar because he has a somewhat biblically informed conscience, though slightly hardened. He only twists the truth to soothe his inner voice, to get what he wants, which usually leaves his wife without an argument. Yes, Biff works hard to provide for his family. But he also works because he wants others to like him. People’s opinions matter to him. He craves acceptance, approval, significance, and honor. The two main ways he garners good favor are by receiving recognition through his business ventures and by being everybody’s friend.
Biff agreed with my assessment but quickly added, “I do love Mable.” While I do not doubt that he loves Mable to a degree, he loves himself and his reputation more, and that was the rub. The problem was not necessarily that Biff had friends or had various business ventures. The problem was that his friends and his ventures were idols to him. This ensnaring desire for validation is not a neutral trait; it is spiritually dangerous. Biff is chasing an identity apart from Christ while still claiming His name. This duplicity undermines the integrity of his faith and makes his marriage spiritually fragile.
His manner of living (Ephesians 4:22) was, in part, what escalated the dysfunction of his marriage. He worshipped reputation and having people’s approval more than being a biblical leader in the home. Ironically, the one person he could not gain approval from was his wife. She was not stroking his approval idol, which made him angry, which made her more disapproving, which made him more upset, which made her more disapproving—ad nauseam. God opposes the proud person (James 4:6), which makes Biff’s problem not so much about his wife as it was between him and God. It was God who was opposing him more than Mable.
Biff was in a snare of his own making: he worshiped the approval and the acceptance of others more than he lived in the favor that the Father extends to individuals because of His Son’s death on the cross. Do you see what is conspicuously absent from this mindmap? Do you see what I don’t see? It’s God. It’s a God-centered, gospel-shaped way of living that permits logic and order into their lives rather than lust-filled cravings, crowded calendars, and exhausted combatants. Oh, and they are Christians too. They do go to church meetings. They are involved in the various functions of their local church.
Being in counseling with the depth of problems that they have was not a good testimony to the effectiveness of their local church experience. If Biff and Mable’s church life were sufficient, they would be able to engage God and each other in a way that would effectively change them. But we can’t lay their problems in the lap of the church, at least not primarily. Their church life was not affecting them because Biff was not pursuing God with his whole heart. Biff’s church participation was just another opportunity for others to like him. Before their marriage could change, Biff had to come to terms with the idolatry of his heart. He was not pursuing God honestly. He spends most of his time being everyone’s friend while building his kingdom. Biff needs to repent to God for worshipping gods of his own making. He needs to see his sin, take his sin seriously, and humbly repent.
His pursuit of his gods had stretched his family to the breaking point. I hoped it would become apparent as he looked at the mindmap. He must choose between the appearance of godliness and true, transformational repentance. Repentance is not about adding better behavior on top of a cracked foundation. It’s about tearing down the structure built on pride and self and starting again—this time with Christ as the cornerstone. Biff must ask himself: What do I want more: my reputation or God’s approval? Who am I living for: myself or the One who gave Himself for me? These questions are more than introspective; they are diagnostic. They expose his functional theology and force a course correction toward gospel wholeness.
If I were talking to Biff, I would ask the following questions.
If you are serious and have done these things, you need to humble yourself before God and your wife and begin learning how to be a servant leader to your wife. Ongoing care within the context of your small group would be an excellent choice to start the process of mortifying the sin of insecurity and sanctifying your marriage. Most of the sins involved are not amputatable: you can’t cut them off and be free from them (Matthew 5:30). The big sins that Biff struggles with are sins of the heart. They are habits formed in the quiet corridors of compromise. They are often sanctified by religious language but exposed under gospel light.
He must immerse himself in grace contexts: daily worship, honest community, Scripture meditation, and counseling support. Sanctification is never solo. The church, rightly functioning, should surround the Biffs of the world with both gospel truth and relational accountability. The road ahead for Biff and Mable is not guaranteed to be smooth. But it can be redemptive. The gospel promises hope not because of what we do but because of what Christ has already done. He took the wrath, bore the shame, and opened a path for reconciliation. Biff’s marriage may feel buried under years of neglect and misplaced affection, but the gospel specializes in resurrection.
The question now is not whether Biff can change. The question is whether he will yield. Will Biff surrender his idols? Will he listen to correction? Will he let the Spirit remake him into a husband who loves sacrificially, leads humbly, and treasures his wife as Christ loves the church? Time will tell. But this chapter, this mindmap, and this mirror are all pointing him to the same place: the cross. Let him go there empty-handed, desperate, and hopeful. For it is at the cross where love for others rightly finds its limitations, and love for one’s bride finds its home.
Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.
In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).
