No response needed but one thing that I find glaring on the website is the seeming lack of admonishment to women regarding their “desire to rule over” their husbands. And at times a rebelliousness to allow the husband to lead her as “clunky” as it can be at the beginning of marriage.
I also find very little addressing how a woman’s contemptuous attitude can and often does destroy her husband’s desire to lead and to engage in the physical intimacy of God’s design, which can lead to even bigger pains and hurts in the relationship.
Rarely does a blog, sermon or book ever attack such actions. They are gracious enough to continually beat a man down for not being all God designed him to be without ever questioning whether he has tried to lead. He may have a feminist/egalitarian wife or just a wife that never had health modeled from a broken or non-christian dysfunctional home.
I like you, Rick. Much of what you produce ministers to me as a man. Even the stuff for women. But it is disingenuous to lay so much on the man for the dysfunctional relationships without sternly addressing the mindsets mentioned above of the women that can and often do beat the man into sinful submission to withdraw.
We have our issues, but it just seems women get the soft “pass” while the men always get the floggings. It is almost never a balanced approach – even in counseling.
Thanks for letting me vent a little frustration with the system.
– Struggling to Be More Like Him Within Her Contempt.
Thanks for writing. In the future, please place your comments on our forums here. We do not engage personal problems via email because we need to keep our email freed up to “run the business side of ministry.”
But please know that we don’t turn anyone away; I just need you to put your comments on the forum. But since you seem frustrated, I am responding personally to you through our business email system.
I’m sorry you have an unfortunate marriage (unless you’re speaking about another man and his marriage). If so, pardon my assumption.
Honestly, I don’t track the ratio of “admonishing” articles to men vs. women. I would have no idea what the number is as far as who has more written to them.
(I did take a look at my categories for husbands and wives after I sent him this email. As of this writing, I have 31 articles to men and 48 to women.)
I did look at my homepage and noticed two articles, one for a husband and one for a wife. They are titled: Mind Mapping Insecure Husband and Critical Wife and The Insecure Wife Who Lives With a Harsh Husband.
I have said in my podcasts that you can change the genders from “him” to “her” or vice versa to help folks who find it hard to make personal application. It would be nice if people could read content–regardless of stated gender–and build those applications. But it seems in most cases they cannot, which is why I tell them in our podcasts to switch genders. The majority of our content applies to either sex.
I usually write using the “he/him” pronouns because it’s not a good writing practice to say, “He/she went to the store.”
My desire here is not to defend how we do ministry but to give perspective, though I’m aware you were not asking our thoughts on the matter. As you said, you were venting.
Any person could dip into almost any article on our site and find help. And if a person does not want to change, it does not matter the ratio, or even if I used ALL CAPS TO MAKE MY POINTS. There is nothing that will motivate them to change, other than God granting repentance (2 Timothy 2:24-25).
Please know that your “complaint” about our articles does not bother me. But what you said about counseling does. No counselor should take sides, other than seeking God’s will and fame in a counseling session. I’m sorry you had that experience. That type of “novice counseling” bugs me, and I have voiced my opinion on poor counseling practices many times.
If you would like to chat more, please go to our forums. We’ll be more than glad to serve you.
And thanks for expressing your opinion. I do appreciate it. Really. I wish we could change your marriage. It breaks my heart. I take what I do seriously, and I know what it’s like to live with a woman who is determined to destroy a marriage.
Last year a pastor called, asking why I write to men and not to women. He had not done due diligence but was reacting to a woman who cherry-picked articles from our site that bashed her husband because she was angry with him.
I shared a dozen other articles from our site with the pastor. The ones I showed him were about a wife’s role in the marriage. He said that she had not given him any of those.
Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye. – Matthew 7:3-5
Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.
In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).