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Consider Biff, a regular small group attendee. Biff asked his group’s leader if they could meet for breakfast. He wanted to share a complaint about their little group. Biff believed the group was not progressing toward an objective meaningful goal, and, from his perspective, he knew why. The following week, they met, and Biff shared several illustrations about how the group seemed stuck in what he called a superficial mode. He said no one demonstrated any interest in getting real. Biff’s complaint is one of the more common ones that I hear about small group life. Here are a few grievances I have heard, which is not an exhaustive list. If you belong to a small group that wants to go deeper while maturing in Christ, it would be an excellent opportunity to discuss these common complaints. Perhaps you might want to add others to my list.
“We meet to go through a book or watch a video, but nobody says anything. I keep my mouth shut, too, and leave frustrated.”
“My husband and I have been struggling for years, but there is no way I would say anything in our group. We’d be the only ones with problems.”
“It’s a lack of transparency if you ask me. These people are not about being open.”
“I would say something, but if they knew what was going on in my heart, they wouldn’t want to be around me.”
“I shared one time when I was struggling through something, and the group gave me a few cliches. Then, they shared some scriptures that did not help. I was embarrassed for weeks after sharing. I learned from that experience to keep my mouth shut about things that mattered.”
“I would share, but my small group leader has more problems than I do.”
“I’m not sure that my leader can help me. He’s a facilitator more than a leader. He wants to stick to the script that the pastor gives him. When folks have tried to share their lives, he listens, nods, and says, ‘I will definitely pray about that.’ Then, he goes back to the outline.”
Several years ago, I led a small community group, and over a 12 month period, every couple in the small group came to me complaining about the lack of transparency in the group. It was humorous that everyone in the group voiced the same concerns, but no one in the group knew what the other members were thinking or saying about each other. Fortunately, God gave us grace as the group changed into a dynamic community that was willing to delve into nearly any personal problem. In time, each individual strengthened the others in that context of loving, maturing, and caring friends. We did not get to that point by accident.
There were several things we needed to do to change into a dynamic small group. Even though all the folks were complaining privately, it was apparent they wanted something different. Thus, I had my marching orders to start setting a new tone. We were not going to be just another innocuous social gathering that shared prayer requests and snacks but a Christlike, caring community of disciple-makers. I’m not boasting about any ability I may possess. It was the grace of God that changed our group, an essential that must be present if any person, group, or situation desires change. However, you cannot dismiss that the most vital person in the group is the leader. If this person does not have the vision, intentionality, or skillset to lead well, your group will never rise higher than the person on point.
If you desire to be a small group leader of believers, you must know that before you can enjoy a loving, meaningful, and intrusive relationship with them, you must have an in-depth understanding and practice of the gospel in your life. Let’s suppose a leader does not have a personal, practical relationship with the gospel in his life. If so, it will be nearly impossible to have a sustaining and meaningful relationship with those he wants to lead. The key idea is that you can only export what you posses. If the practical gospel is not our animating center, we will impart something other than the gospel to our immediate connections, and it will always be less than God’s good intentions for us.
Perhaps it would be wise at this juncture to define how I’m using the term gospel. The gospel is Christ, His person and work. The more you understand Christ—the gospel—and the more He affects you, the more adequately you will apply the gospel to your life. The gospel (Christ) will transform you and impact your relationships in ways that nothing else can. Thus, the starting point when developing an enriching small group experience is to possess an in-depth personal and transforming relationship with the gospel. Again, you can only export what you have, and if Christ is not your animating center—the thing that drives you, then what you export will not be the gospel, and your small group experience will continue to sputter along.
Think about the gospel (Christ) when He lived on earth. For example, Christ humbled Himself (Philippians 2:5-11) by leaving His Divine small group (Trinity) and entering into alien relationships that needed His help. Simply imitating that one data point about Christ can transform lives. Are you that intentional when you’re with others? Some Christ-followers are passive in their relationships. They had rather wait, defer, and let someone else take the lead. That type of attitude is less like Christ and more like an anti-Christ. Jesus had a gospel initiative. He had an expectant assumption that people needed help, so He was always searching for opportunities to insert Himself into broken lives.
The first step to having a dynamic small group is to commit to building a vibrant personal relationship with Christ. Do not begin with the group, but start with you and how you relate to and imitate Christ in your sphere of influence. Thus, the question you want to ask is about the effect that the gospel has had on you. You export who you are. Christ exported who He was, and your goal is to export Him to your world. The gospel is God’s plan for changing His church; it is the power of God unto salvation and sanctification, and a small group of friends is an excellent place for gospel transformation (Romans 1:16). You cannot be an agent of gospel change until the gospel changes you.
Let’s talk about exporting the gospel. Whatever it is that you want your small group to be like, you must model that kind of life before them. This principle is not limited to the functioning of small groups; it has as much to do with running small groups as it does with running every other part of the Christian race. For example, consider parenting. Parents must practice what they preach. How effective would it be for a parent to ask a child to confess and repent of their sin if the parent does not model and practice a similar repentance? How hypocritical for a small group leader to call the folks to holiness when he’s not practicing holiness? The Bible is clear that if a parent wants a child to love God with all his heart, soul, and mind (cf. Matthew 22:36-40), that parent must own this truth by modeling what he hopes to export to the children. The call to imitate is for every person who names the name of Jesus as their Savior and Leader. Reflect on these verses.
Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ (1 Corinthians 11:1).
Therefore, be imitators of God as beloved children (Ephesians 5:1).
What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you (Philippians 4:9).
Do you want your children to have a practical dynamic relationship with Christ? Do you want them to be honest and transparent with God and you? Do you want them to walk in humility and integrity? Do you want them to be accountable to you and others? These are not the first questions that you should ask. Start here: “How am I leading my children by example so they can see a living illustration of the things I want to teach them?” A small group leader should think similarly.
For a moment, let’s consider the small group the Savior led. It was a thirteen-person men’s group. The members had no vision for what He wanted. They were selfish, conniving, sinfully ambitious, critical, and easily swayed toward the sinful opinions of others. All of them defected, and one of them never changed, even committing suicide. I’d say that He had a rough group of misfits. Christ was the only person in the room who had the right vision for the small group. Thus, you want to consider how He brought biblical shape to His rag-tag group of misfits.
Reading the four Gospels with His leadership style in view would be beneficial. We do know that Jesus patiently exported His life to them. It took Him three years to whip this bunch into shape. It would be an understatement to say it took a lot of blood, sweat, and tears (Luke 22:42-44). Despite the cost, Jesus patiently and carefully loved and served His disciples as He shaped them into the most dynamic small group in the history of the Church. In time, all of the members (except one) of His small group became small group leaders. As they modeled what Christ taught them, they forged other leaders, which has been the Bible’s replicable plan all the way to this day.
The message and life of Christ did not lose force after their generation. Listen to how one of the leaders of that generation spoke about himself and the work of Christian discipleship as he coached another leader.
And what you have heard from me in the presence of many witnesses entrust to faithful men, who will be able to teach others also (2 Timothy 2:2).
The issue of modeling the gospel is fundamental. It was essential to the Father—or else we would not have had the earthly ministry of His Son. It was necessary to the Son—or we would not have had His ministry to His small group. One of the exciting things about the four Gospels is that none of the authors wrote them as those events were unfolding. They were written after the fact. And what did they write? They wrote about what they saw Jesus do and say. Their observations were of paramount importance. They knew the necessity to deliver to us the life that the Savior modeled before them. Christ affected people by His words, actions, and deeds. If you want to see your small group go from a superficial social gathering to a Christ-centered, caring community of disciple-makers, let me urge you to begin with these two ideas:
Perhaps you are not a small group leader. Do you believe this chapter is only for the leader? I trust not. All Christians are leaders. You may not be a small group leader, but God has made you an ambassador for Christ (2 Corinthians 5:20). He has called us to a leadership position. It does not matter what your sphere of influence is or even your age—if you are a believer. We never stop leading until the Lord takes us home. Thus, this chapter applies to all of us. With that perspective in mind, how would you answer these questions?
Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.
In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).
