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Sin is divisive and will do all it can to bring relational confusion and frustration between two people. This aim of sin is not discouraging for the gospel-minded individual because we are not people without hope (1 Corinthians 15:19). We live in the transformational reality and hoped-filled expectation of the gospel. The divisiveness of sin does not have the ultimate power over us (Romans 6:14). We are more than conquerors because of Christ’s work on our behalf (Romans 8:31-39). Thus, when conflict happens, we have choices. There are two primary ways to avoid tension with another person. We can choose to live superficially with them, or we can choose not to reconcile with them after disagreements happen.
Either course of action is not tenable for the Christian. We are not allowed to live superficial lives with others or allowed to ignore gospel-reconciling opportunities. God calls us to pursue each other in gospel transformation for His glory and our personal and communal benefit. To not be active in stirring others up in love and good deeds is a betrayal of the gospel call on our lives (Hebrews 10:24-25). Imagine being part of a group of friends that does not seek to pursue each other to motivate each other toward life change. Superficial friend groups are a mockery of the gospel. It’s like going to the hospital while refusing to access the hospital’s resources—a means of grace that has the possibility of radically changing your life.
One of our Adamic tendencies is to avoid the obvious flaws we see in each other. Perhaps you have done this. I have. You’re in a situation, and you perceive relational awkwardness in one of your friends. At that moment, you have to make a choice: will I begin to pray about a strategy to pursue this person for their good and God’s glory, or will I ignore the big fat elephant that just went prancing across the room—right in front of me? One of your temptations will be to avoid the big fat elephant in the room because you know the possibility of a relational tussle happening if you pursue the person to help them.
A dispute will probably ensue if you pursue the person because two things are working against you: you will seek your friend imperfectly, and your friend will receive your care imperfectly. Therefore, you have to decide. Do you want to love this person even though there will probably be a season of relational dysfunction, or do you want to ignore the God opportunity in front of you? The Christian who wants to live for God’s glory will not have the heart to walk away from this opportunity that his Commander and Chief has placed in front of him. It would be like being on a battlefield and ignoring the general’s command to engage the enemy. (The enemy is not your friend but is the spiritual warfare you’re engaged in on behalf of your friend.)
My dear friends, we are living on a battlefield, and the enemy is amongst us. He is alive and well on planet Earth, and he will be in our hearts until our great Commander comes to take us home. Until then, the battle will never slacken. We cannot avoid the obvious things in our lives and relationships. If we ignore our relational tensions, it is not loving, but it is self-centered laziness born out of our desire for personal comfort and reputation. I understand the tension and temptation. It would be hypocritical for me to slack away from God’s call on my life to press into my sanctification while seeking to help others in theirs.
This kind of gospel-motivated presupposition implies life will be hard, but we must not flinch. This mindset is how Jesus lived. He went from one relational conflict to another. Every encounter had the potential to turn into a conflict. This perspective is evident in His encounters with the Pharisees and among His close friends. At the end of His life, the disciples’ frustration level was so high that they denied being His friends (Matthew 26:74). However, Christ was a Johnny-one-note kind of guy: He did not hide how He thought about living for God. Though He was loving, He was also clear—if you’re going to follow Him, you must prepare to die (Mark 10:22; Luke 14:26).
We live in an imperfect world, and we are imperfect people. To expect relationships to go smoothly is to live in an illusion. It’s like a man wearing a white suit in the desert, hoping never to get dirty. Though you don’t have a “fight wish,” you must know that you cannot go on for any length of time with your friends and not have relational conflicts. If you’re married, think about how impossible it is to live perfectly with your spouse to where you are not sinning against them, and they are not sinning against you, which brings me to my second point.
My first point was about whether you’re going to choose superficial friends or biblical friends. If you choose biblical friends, then batten down the hatches because you’re going to get up into each other’s business, and you’re going to get your feelings hurt. You will sin against them while you try to go deeper into those relationships. And they will sin against you. It is unavoidable. My second point is whether you will choose to reconcile after a breach happens in the relationship. Paul said it this way:
Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” To the contrary, “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good (Romans 12:16-21).
The Romans passage gives us a clear and distinct advantage over our friends who reject Christ. We can do what they can’t—we can reconcile. The issue is not and should never be, “Will we get into an argument?” It should always be, “Will we reconcile after we get into an inevitable argument?” As Paul implied, there is a conditionality to reconciliation—so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Sadly, some people will not want to reconcile. What the other person did should not be your first point of focus. You never want to start with what they did or what they are currently doing (Matthew 7:3-5). I hear this when I talk to people about broken relationships. A person will begin talking about what the other party did and how it hurt them. There is a place for that conversation, but the bulk of Paul’s words are for us, not the other person (Romans 12:16-21).
Recently, someone said, “She does not like me anymore and won’t have anything to do with me.” The lady who said this was a believer, and she was talking about another believer. My soul was sad. How can it be? How can a Christian carry a grudge or rotten attitude toward another Christian for an indefinite period and not seek to repair the relationship? This posture is gospel insanity. How can a Christian say to another Christian, “I do not like you anymore?” Really. Is this possible? What is going on in our hearts when we hold onto our hurts indefinitely while not living in the immeasurable grace the Father provides?
I know quarrels happen, but where I struggle is when there is no plan for reconciliation. One of the most defaming things a Christian can do to their Savior is to allow conflict to continue between two people. It’s a clear sign of gospel dysfunction of the heart, either from one or both people in the battle. We have the power of God resident within us. Still, we will allow ourselves to succumb to the power of evil to the point where the evil can so overcome us that we permanently dismiss each other. You may never reconcile with someone, but you can do as much as depends on you, and you do not have to carry the hurt in your heart to where you become a captured victim.
Your best friends will be those who were previously separated from you by sin. It happened two ways: you sinned against them, and they sinned against you. The mature Christian does not focus on who fired the first shot. Neither of you was looking for a fight, but it happened. Boom! You are in a conflict with someone. Though the rupture in the relationship matters, the bigger issue is the gospel and how you both will apply it to your lives. Will you activate the power of the gospel in your life? Perhaps only one will, and if that is the case, it must be you. But if both do, you will reconcile, and more than likely, you’ll become friends for life.
Once you go to the mat with someone and get back up as friends, nothing is left to hide or defend. You have seen the worst in each other, but you decided the gospel will have more power over your relationship than the disruption. The gospel can do this for friendships. It can take the inevitable fight and transform the combatants into the best of friends. The people who have my back are those I have sinned against, and they forgave me. They are the people I want to have my back because I know their love for me is genuine. Perhaps there are folks in your life who refuse to reconcile with you. Let me give you two parting pieces of advice. One is from a friend who helped me many years ago, and the other is from Paul.
Many folks reading this will focus on that relationship that remains fractured. The disappointment can weigh heavy on you. I understand. My appeal is for you to ask the Lord to provide a restful heart despite any challenging relationship you might have. As you are working to rest, ask Him what you can do—if anything—to fulfill what Paul said about “as much as it depends on you.”
Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.
In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).
