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I can think of at least two things that knit these words together. This list represents our mutual commonality. We have all done some of the things on this list if not all of them. It’s what it means to be in Adam. Secondly, the list represents the things that should be occurring among your closest friends, especially in your small group. If you have spent time with any small group that I have led, you would see some of these things in me, including the negative characteristics on the list. The essential point here is not whether you or I sin—for all have sinned, but what are we doing to mature in Christ? I am talking about having a context where you are free to be the most authentic and genuine person that you are currently, with the hope you’re in a community of friends who love you enough to help you mature in a greater Christlikeness in the future.
Biff has been a small group member for more than two years. From an outside-looking-in perspective, he has it all together. Of course, that is his goal, as far as how Biff wants others to perceive him. His reputation is important to him, which is why he manages it so well. What his small group does not know is that he is an angry man. His wife and kids know it. It has leaked out among a few friends, but his group does not know the real Biff. His craving for people’s approval motivates him to keep this part of his life closed off from those who could love him biblically. Sadly, his desire to manage his reputation stunts his sanctification. Biff is a Christian.
Beau has been an addict since he was seventeen. He is thirty-one now. Beau has been in his small group for just over a year. He and Biff are friends. They spend many weekends together because their wives, Mable and Marge, have become close. Beau sensed that Biff was not what he claimed to be, but his thoughts were, “Shoot, who am I to judge him? I have my secret addiction.” Beau’s current plan is to be clean for six months to a year before he tells Marge. His thought is if he can kick the habit, he can talk about his addiction as though it was something in his past rather than a current struggle. In his twisted thinking, he wants to maintain his reputation, project humility before the group, and eventually gain some accountability just in case he falls again. His plan, like Biff’s, allows him to be in control of his reputation. Rather than submitting to the foolishness and weakness of the gospel, both Biff and Beau do not want to subordinate their strengths to God’s (1 Corinthians 1:18-25).
Brice enters the group. Brice is a young Christian who has not learned the ropes. Said differently, he has yet to experience the contamination from Biff’s and Beau’s lives. You could say Brice has not learned to embrace the value of hypocrisy or the art of deception. He is still naive enough to believe the Bible, take it at face value, and talk as though it is real. He is also a newbie to small group life. Biff and Beau have measured transparency. They reveal certain things about themselves because they want to project a facade of humility. They give the perception that they are in the small group while not indeed being part of it. Brice is amazed at their honesty and openness. From his perspective, it is radically different from the nonsense in his office. Brice is grateful for his new group.
Behold, you have sinned against the Lord, and be sure your sin will find you out (Numbers 32:23).
You can imagine what a surprise it was to Brice the night Biff’s wife, Mable, blurted out, “I can’t take it anymore. I’m leaving Biff. He’s intolerable.” She continued to open up, through tears, his many unknown secrets. She talked about the threats, his condemning ways, and even the physical abuse of her and the children. It was not a pretty picture. Sadly, it did not have to come out the way it did. All of us struggle with measured transparency. Just like Adam before us, our native tendency is to grab the fig leaves and cover up our shame (Genesis 3:7). In one sense, it is a form of insanity. Read the negative things in the word cloud again. It is your list. It is my list. It represents only part of our inheritance from Adam and why Jesus came to reverse the curse of our mutual fallenness.
The sad news is that the list is incomplete. Total depravity does not mean you are doing every possible evil thing you could do; it says you are capable of doing any despicable thing imaginable. Jeremiah was right (Jeremiah 17:9). Paul was right (Romans 3:10-12). Jesus was right (John 3:7). One of the blessings of being a Christian is that we have the option of finding friends who will listen and help us with our common struggles or we can resist this means of grace. Society cannot do this. They have no Jesus, no Spirit, no body of Christ, and no hope. At best, they can give you seven habits for an effective life or a “best life now” motivational speech, both of which are devoid of gospel-infused transformation.
The real issue is that though we are born again, all of us continue to struggle with Adamic tendencies. We continue to drag our old “former manner of life which is corrupt through deceitful desires” around with us (Ephesians 4:22). We are eternally saved but not sanctified, which is our challenge. Our imperfections are why it is helpful to review, from time to time, what our problems are and what we can do about them. Some call it shooting the big elephant in the room, which are the things we perceive about ourselves, but we are tentative about discussing them among our friends. Here are three of those big elephants that make up every small group. If your group conquers them, you will have a dynamic small-group experience.
Rarely will someone be like Brice; most people will hide their shame like Biff and Beau. Whenever Lucia and I have looked for a church to attend, we never put a transparent, intentional, sanctification-pursuing, small group life on our list of things we must have. We knew the church we would eventually choose would be just like us—tentative about being honest with each other. That is not an uncharitable critique but a factual statement about Adamic tendencies. All churches struggle with humble transparency because they are all made up of people like me. Rather than sinfully complaining about a church that does not pursue this type of transparency, we decided to practice openness by finding those individuals who want what we want in a sanctification community. We all are afraid of each other to varying degrees. It is weird, but it is true. Fear of man is a universal sin that affects each of us in specific and practical ways (Proverbs 29:25). Do not be surprised if your small group is anxious about being honest. One of the best things you could do is model the honesty that you desire from others.
Do not settle for anything less than a group of friends who want to do intentional sanctification together. Did you know you can be humbly dissatisfied with superficiality? You do not have to be mad about it, but it is okay to be righteously dissatisfied. Ask God to give you the grace to overcome your fear of being exposed because your desire for this kind of community is stronger. Hunger for it, pray about it and ask the Lord to give it to you. Biff and Beau were deteriorating by the day with their relationship with Christ and their respective families. They were living in unexposed sin while participating in a small group that was supposedly organized to fight sin.
It is like becoming more sick while in the hospital. Biff and Beau did not understand or want to understand the value of a rich community life. Fortunately, Biff’s wife had enough gumption to spill the beans. If you try to mature in your sanctification outside of a community, you will not be successful. Isolation from a small group of friends is self-defeating in that it will hinder you from following Jesus, who came to penetrate our darkness and transform us into Christlikeness. Part of the sanctification process is making disciples. Isolating from disciples is counter to the aims of the gospel (Matthew 28:19-20). It is also counter to imaging our Trinitarian (communal) Lord (Ephesians 5:1).
Some people reading this have hidden sins, longstanding issues, private struggles, and frustrating problems in their lives. Their spouses may not know about it, and perhaps their small group is unaware, too. Though they realize the truth of what I’m saying here, they are afraid of exposure. I appeal to you to pray. Right now. Ask the Lord to give you a grace that will enable you to talk to your small group leader about what you do not want to say aloud. You do not have to be alone, and the secrecy in your life does not have to overcome you. Today, if you hear His voice, I appeal to you not to harden your heart (Hebrews 4:7). No sin or situation has overtaken you that is uncommon to all of us Adamic creations (1 Corinthians 10:13). No sin or situation is outside of God’s grace. The power of the gospel can transform you, but do not be deceived: it takes a community.
Two of the more common responses that I hear about non-dynamic small groups are: You do not know my church, and there is no one in my life that I can trust. Either of these may be true for you, and if so, this is where the gospel must inform your thinking. There is no human you can ultimately trust. The only person you can have as a friend is an imperfect one. Sinners will always let you down in a similar way you have disappointed others. There is risk in relationships, which is one of the stunning things about the gospel: Jesus loves us, even though we disappoint Him so often.
With that said, I know that the kind of relationships I’m talking about can be impossible to build in a local church. But you still do not have to be alone or afraid. Two of the more powerful applications of the gospel are when fear no longer controls you, and you are free to be honest about yourself while engaging others to be transparent with you. Some of our best friends do not belong to our local church. And they are the ones who bring us the best care. If you do not have this kind of relationship inside or outside your church, you’re welcome to become part of our community. We are not the best option; we are not the local church, but we are available if you want it.
Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.
In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).
