How to Train Your Flea: Also Called Controlling Others

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Have you ever tried to train a flea? As odd as that may sound, the concept is not only real—it’s incredibly instructive. The process is simple. You place a flea—or perhaps a flock of fleas (though I’m not convinced “flock” is the technical term) into a Mason jar and seal the lid tightly. You then leave the jar alone for three full days. After that time, you unscrew the lid. Here’s the surprising part: the flea will not escape. It will jump—but never high enough to leave the jar. It has been trained. Conditioned. Even without the lid, it now believes it cannot be free. Even more sobering is that if you have two fleas of the opposite sex, their offspring will do the same thing. Though they’ve never encountered the lid, they, too, will not try to escape. It’s like a generational curse.

You may want to read:

• The Danger of Trying to Please God and Gain His Favor
• Learning How to Take All Your Bad Thoughts Captive
• A Practical Plan to Break Free from Being Controlled by Others

Are You a Trained Flea?

I came across this illustration years ago. Initially, I didn’t verify it, though I used it in counseling as a metaphor for relational dysfunction because it fit so well. Eventually, I checked it out, and sure enough, it’s true. It’s now one of my go-to images to describe the insidious and persistent problem of human control, gaslighting, insecurity, and fear of man. You can Google it, too.

• Take Mable, for instance. Her father was discouraging, critical, and consistently harsh. Though she left the home a long time ago, the emotional ceiling he installed still hovers over her head. She’s a trained flea. She longs for approval so deeply that she makes harmful relationship decisions.
• Biff’s father was equally abrasive—a perfectionist who demanded excellence. To survive, Biff becomes a passive perfectionist: he never tries anything challenging, so he never fails. It’s the illusion of control. He avoids risk-taking and remains emotionally paralyzed. His wife feels like she’s married to a ghost. Biff is a trained flea, too.
• Then there’s Brice. He’s the opposite of passive. He’s driven, independent, and controlling. His father was disengaged, while his mother nitpicked and manipulated him. Brice made an internal vow: “I’ll never be like my dad or let a woman control me.” Now, no one gets close. He’s a trained flea.
• Marge was only nine when her dad left. Her world was crushed, and she grew up not knowing how to relate to men without fearing abandonment. Now twenty-seven, she obsesses over her image. Her worth rises and falls based on male attention. She’s a trained flea, too.

Studying the Flea

To some degree, we’re all trained fleas. Every one of us has been conditioned by life, controlled by relationships, coerced by voices that told us what we could or couldn’t be. Sin has put us all in a jar and screwed the lid tight. That jar is called the fear of man. For different reasons and in various ways, we have learned to yield control of our lives, identity, and choices to the opinions of others. The stories differ. The patterns are similar. The result is the same; we live in captivity. The heartbreaking irony is that, in Christ, the lid was removed. “If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed” (John 8:36). Yet many believers still live as though the lid remains. If you are trying to help someone who is still in the jar, start with these discerning questions:

1. What happened to them?
2. How did they learn to live this way?
3. What controls them now?
4. Why do they continue to allow others to shape their identity?

At the core, the issue is always the same: the desire to be loved, accepted, or not rejected. That desire does not have to be evil. But when shaped by fear and shame rather than gospel affection, it can become idolatry. That’s how people become emotionally trained: they’ve been repeatedly “hit” by the lid of conditional love. To get hit is to be hurt. So they duck. They learn to avoid pain. Ducking becomes their habit, creating a state of being that diminishes growth.

The Lasting Effects

The initial and early “hits” most often come from their parents: unkind words, criticism, rejection, impatience, harsh expectations. Over time, these words shape a child’s self-perception. The child adapts. They learn to duck. They modify themselves to avoid conflict. In time, their minds become captured by what Paul calls a stronghold—a fortress of distorted thoughts that rule their thoughts and behaviors (2 Corinthians 10:3–6). This “hit avoidance” is predictable and habitual.

An example of this is the abused child. They do not have the ability to fight back or walk away—not until they are older. By then, it’s often too late. The habits are hardwired. They eventually leave the home, taking their stronghold with them. Their relationships become arenas of fear and management. A girl, for example, thinks a boyfriend will fix it—“He loves me.” But she cannot discern how past shaping influences drive her desires for love. Her craving feels like freedom, but it’s actually bondage to an idol she doesn’t recognize.

When the relationship fails—as it often does—she plunges into devastation and eventual bitterness, unable to identify the true issue. She may conclude she’s bad at choosing men or that all men are the problem. In truth, she is still living under the lid. Her past continues to direct her choices, even after the person leaves.

Set a Flea Free

Taking the lid off is not enough. Leaving the toxic home, ending the relationship, and moving away—those are not the wrong steps. But they don’t fix the deeper issues of the heart. The bondage isn’t the environment—it’s the mind. This internal problem is why many trained fleas repeat cycles: multiple partners, failed marriages, fear-driven people-pleasing, perfectionism, and isolation. She may have left her father’s house, but her father’s voice still lives in her head. If you want to help her, you must deal with her thought life by identifying a few core strongholds:

1. Identity: She talks about her story constantly. Her past defines her. Her fears, anxieties, and pain shape her view of herself. The trauma becomes her identity. Even if she doesn’t verbalize it, the weight of her past is there.
2. Gospel: Though she may be a believer, the gospel is more of a theological category than an active functional identity. She knows Jesus died for her sins, but the truth does not set her free or govern her emotional life.
3. Change: Without clarity on her functional identity and need for gospel centrality, she remains in a tyrannical cycle. She may appear put together, but her soul is operating on fear-motivated, self-effort. Any change is cosmetic. Her freedom is an illusion.

Friending the Flea

Three primary barriers keep a flea from genuine gospel transformation:

1. Personal deception about the true problem
2. An unwillingness to deal honestly with the real issue
3. The absence of competent, compassionate friends to walk with her

Befriending a “flea” is challenging gospel work that requires much patience. For example, she might interpret your correction as criticism. Even gentle care may feel like an attack. Her heart is sunburned, and every touch stings. But your role is clear: Spirit-led, truth-speaking, and love-saturated. You must not compromise. You must not grow cold. If you care for her well, she will begin to see what is actually driving her behavior. She will begin to recognize how deeply her former manner of life controls her present. The transformation will be slow, but it will be real.

And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all 
(1 Thessalonians 5:14).

The Flea’s Freedom

Ultimately, your goal is not emotional recovery, better choices, or healthier habits. Your aim is Christ. Only the gospel can give her a new identity. She must come to know that the only opinion that truly matters is Jesus, and in Christ, His opinion is fixed: she is loved, accepted, and secure.

That kind of love will be foreign to her. She has only known conditional relationships: a father who loved based on obedience, a boyfriend who “loved” based on her looks, and a child who “loves her back” when she gives in to their whining. But Jesus is different. His gospel-love is unearned, unchanging, and unwavering. She may understand this intellectually, but to live it will be another story. You must walk with her as she learns to unlearn nearly everything she thought was love. As you do this, you’ll help her build a new framework—one shaped not by fear but by the gospel.

Call to Action

1. What “lid” from your past still defines how you relate to people, and have you named it aloud to someone else? Think carefully. Is there a person, voice, or event still shaping how you see yourself and others? What would it take to bring it into the light?
2. Do you crave love and approval more than you trust God’s unchanging acceptance, and how does that desire show up in your decisions? Where does fear drive your relationships? Where do you adapt, manipulate, or withdraw into to feel secure?
3. Are you willing to walk patiently with someone who has been shaped by trauma, even when their reactions seem irrational or hurtful? Think about your capacity for long-term, Spirit-empowered discipleship. Will you stay when it gets messy?
4. Is your understanding of the gospel merely theological, or does it practically guide how you process rejection, pain, and your past? Examine whether the gospel governs how you think, not just what you say you believe. Where does your functional theology break down?

Helping a trained flea means helping someone relearn what love, freedom, and identity truly are. The gospel is the only school where that transformation takes place.

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Rick Thomas

Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.

In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).