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In This Series
Sue and Ken are struggling; their marriage is tense and stressful. They have sought counsel from their church many times but have found little lasting change. It took them a lot of work to define the source of the problem, which is usually described as a communication issue. Recently, Sue was encouraged by Ken’s desire to attend a small group at church, hoping this community would help transform their marriage. Unfortunately, it all unraveled after Ken belittled Sue’s cooking in front of the group.
Ken complimented the food prepared by the hosts and shared, “Maybe you can give Sue some cooking lessons. She burned the dinner so badly last night that the dog didn’t eat it.”
Sue was hurt and defensive, “I was busy taking care of four kids, doing laundry, and trying to cook dinner. I lost track of time. If only I could get some help from my husband, maybe I would be a better cook!”
The ugliness of their marriage was on full display. On the way home, Ken said he was never going back. The hope of the small group being the answer to their marriage problems was gone. Sue was heartbroken and sought help.
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Sue’s IdentitiesSue’s response was typical and expected. Her explanation was accurate when she said Ken was not a servant leader. Additionally, his poor soul care left her defensive and fragile. She was hurt and embarrassed. But her response employed worldly wisdom and was not beneficial to their marriage. She resorted to rhetorical strategies, almost thinking they would persuade Ken to agree with her assessment of his poor husbandry. Ken’s heart is hard, and progress will only come with repentance. Thus, Sue must align herself with God’s ways (Romans 2:4) to help him. To help her get there, she needs to understand the role of her identity in her response.
When I speak of identity, I refer to one’s purpose and position, i.e., how does she see herself? Individuals typically do not consciously think about their identity. It is one of those areas where you can drift into an auto-pilot mode. For instance, men can find their identity in their careers and women in their relationships (wife/mother). At first glance, these identities seem harmless, but they put you on the wrong path. Christians identify themselves in two main categories: in Christ or something apart from Christ. Sue’s real identity is in Christ. God regenerated her and filled her heart with the Holy Spirit. She is an adopted child of God and a fellow heir with Christ (Romans 8:17). This new position brings a new purpose: “to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.”
Sue’s desire to be a godly wife whom her husband loves became her functional identity that night. It morphed into an object of worship, which was the purpose of attending the small group. When you place your identity in something other than Christ, you position yourself to respond in self-reliant and self-righteous ways to protect and defend your purpose and plans. Sue was ready to react naturally to this functional identity before Ken spoke cruelly. The mind map below shows how this plays out. Despite attempting to protect herself, the response resulted in a restless soul. Going through the different nodes, you see several traits that make up her functional identity.
Spiritual Pride: You can forget your total dependence on God for everything and trust in your intuition to get through life. In this case, Sue wanted to be in control, and the desire for love from her husband (a good thing) elevated to a point where his actions controlled her (fear of man), setting her up to be a sinning victim. When sinfully attacked, Sue responded by becoming hurt and angry. She was spiritually proud, and the Holy Spirit was not leading her. She was not modeling grace. Sue was operating out of the flesh (with all its associated desires), and as a result, it produced the fruits of the flesh (Galatians 5:16-24).
Boast in Self: When you take the self-sufficient posture, you must continually deal with indwelling guilt and shame by puffing yourself up. You desperately want people to see that you are good. You want them to understand your motives, no matter how poorly your actions become. Your eyes become fixed on your story. You become downcast and fearful if things are not going according to your script. Consequently, because you have not humbled yourself under a sovereign God, you position yourself against God (James 4:6).
Serving the Self: When operating from a self-sufficient perspective, you protect yourself at all costs, whereby you naturally take the defensive posture; you justify actions, you argue your case, and you seek to gain control of the direction of the conversation or situation. Manipulating techniques, such as anger, come into play (James 4:1-3).
Horizontal Focus: A natural consequence of self-sufficiency is that God becomes distant, and your focus shifts to other people. Your prayer life becomes lifeless and anemic, and God seems distant. Due to her functional identity, Sue took a self-protecting posture. She defended her actions and shared her insight on the actual problem. Sue must change her methods and fight redemptively to help Ken move toward a humble, others-centered position.
Redemptive thinking requires an in-Christ identity and maintaining a singular focus on Christ. It requires a firm grasp of the theology of sin, knowledge and appropriation of gospel application, and the ability to trust God’s sovereign hand. This different path, illustrated in this mind map, shows how Sue can answer with a faith-fueled response rooted in grace.
When sin presents itself, the tendency is to become angry (Ephesians 4:26), but instead of reacting to defend herself, she must use this energy redemptively. Her temptation to selfishly react will be out of the way, allowing the Holy Spirit to lead her. She will appropriate a correct view of her dependence on God and realize she can do nothing apart from Christ (John 15:5), which leads to a redemptive posture. Note the following in-Christ realities.
Poor in Spirit: Since Sue recognizes her spiritual bankruptcy, the Holy Spirit will illuminate her mind. Mourning over her sin will lead to humility, a desire for relational restoration (peacemaker), and a thirst for righteousness. She will see the goodness of God’s righteousness and desire to manifest His will on earth and in her life, precipitating acts of mercy and a striving for personal holiness.
Boast in Christ: With her new purpose—bringing glory to God—and correct position—servant of the King—Sue will take a humble posture focusing on God’s story. Her soul will find rest through receiving God’s grace.
The Killing of Self: With the flesh out of the way, Sue is positioned correctly for the pivotal point in this process: a willingness to “take on his sin” until it can be dealt with at the cross in God’s perfect timing; it is an act of sovereign and undeserved grace.
With her identity firmly rooted in Christ, she is now free to respond from a position of self-sacrifice, love, and forgiveness, enabling her to react graciously, mercifully, and without taking offense. Sue could have simply said, “Yeah, the meal was pretty bad,” and allowed the evening to continue and small group gospel relationships to form. As she waits for the Lord’s leading, Sue can decide whether to discuss this event later or let love cover Ken’s sin.
Unequivocally, this is the more challenging but higher road; it is the dying-to-yourself road. Taking a natural way, defending her position, and expecting him to care about her feelings will only result in further ongoing relational deterioration, animosity, and increasing dysfunctional communication. Taking the humble road is the best way to travel. It is the path that most accurately reflects the life of Christ and demonstrates an unrelenting and steadfast trust in the Holy Spirit’s ability to penetrate, soften, and transform the hearts of those who sin against you. Seeking contentment in your Heavenly Father as Christ did takes the stress, strain, and expectations off of imperfect, bound-to-fail human relationships.
This type of response redirects them to the only One who can fulfill them—Christ. For too many Christians, this approach seems upside down, but that is the nature of the gospel. God’s anger is always redemptive and requires great sacrifice. The gospel gives you opportunities to help spread His kingdom on earth, but it requires you to do the same. Sometimes, you must be quiet, commit it to God, and keep serving the immature and self-centered sinners. With the Spirit’s leading, you will love your spouse well, and as God gives growth, you will move towards enjoying the benefits of having a spouse with a well-cared-for soul. To restore their marriage, Ken and Sue must look to enjoy their marriage relationship in the context of a child of God first and foremost. Their worship structures are corrected, which positions them to take redemptive postures when interacting.
Disclaimer: I am not saying this is appropriate for all marriage discord. If abuse is present, please take steps to prevent physical harm. Your church elders and local law officials may need to intervene. The context for the redemptive posture discussed in this chapter is for couples who are struggling with their communication where abuse is not present.
