Ep. 447 How to Have a Dynamic Small Group Experience

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Shows Main Idea – Building a robust small group of Christlike disciple-makers takes work. One of the most challenging responsibilities in the church is that of the small group leader. They are like pastors on the ground. Though they are not typically pastors, they function as ad hoc shepherds because they are shepherding the flock in some of the most crucial areas of Christians’ lives. Thus, knowing how to build and sustain a small group is paramount. This chapter will not answer all the questions a small group leader might have, but I want to share a few ideas, and I will do that by responding to a letter a friend wrote me about their experience and aspirations for a small group.

Show Notes

You may want to read:

• Three Keys That Will Make Your Small Group Dynamic
• The Revolutionary Cure for a Shallow Small Group Experience
• Eight Essentials for an Exceptional Small Group Experience

Letter from a Friend

We have visited several churches that have small groups. Each has a form to fill out to express your interest, and they ask you to provide your age group. Every church I’ve ever been to wants small groups according to age. Am I the only one who is confused by this? What is the effectiveness of this method? I’m not sure if they do this because it is an easy way to group people or because it is the best way. Maybe I am not seeing this correctly, and someone could enlighten me. My husband and I attended a small group where members were of various ages and stages of life. There were grandparents, empty nesters, high schoolers’ parents, and small children’s parents.

In this small group, we experienced tremendous growth, were spiritually challenged, and had accountability. I enjoyed learning from older, wiser Christians who could say, “We went through that too, and this is how we made it.” If people are all the same age, they can share and relate to their issues, but few would have answers or wisdom about how to navigate those challenges or offering hope. (For the record, I get keeping singles and married folks separate, but other than that, I’m at a loss.) So my question remains: why do churches want to divide people into small groups according to their age? 
– Small Group Member

Preliminary Thoughts

The Bible does not stipulate how to operate a small group. Thus, each church determines how they want to run theirs, which varies from church to church. Your first course of action is to talk to the leaders to find out why they have small groups the way they do. There is a purpose and freedom in play here since the Bible does not stipulate, so your preference is not out-of-line with God’s Word, but you want to recognize that each church has reasons for doing what they do. Our role as church members is to obey and support our leaders while engaging the contexts they provide to serve each other (Hebrews 13:17). Each believer or family must determine what they want while always supporting the local church on secondary issues. Though no church can meet every preference of every member, we must always seek to intentionally spur one another on to love and good works while using the means of grace the local church provides.

And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near (Hebrews 10:24-25).

Realizing that we’re talking about preferences here and not biblical mandates is vital. I will share with you my preference for small groups, which are mixed groups of all ages. The education system and Sunday school are two of the few contexts in the world that are uni-generational. Virtually every other context where people come together is multi-generational, e.g., family, work, hobbies, fitness centers, shopping, church, etc. In all of these contexts, nobody thinks twice about the multi-generational makeup of these gatherings. Thus, a small group with mixed generations looks like the rest of our lives. However, in academic learning environments and Sunday school, there is an emphasis on uni-generational contexts due to everyone learning in a structured and sequenced manner.

For example, you would not want a first-grader in a sixth-grade classroom. But what better equipping environment can you create than a mixed-generational small group in a local church that trains the saints to live well in all the other mixed-generation contexts of their lives?

Mixed Positives

People will naturally gravitate to their preferred kind, i.e., young kids will seek to play with kids their age. Married couples enjoy other married couples. There is nothing wrong with these types of connections. People pursuing like-minded people is a good thing. Typically, you do not have to push for kind-to-kind connections because we do it naturally. We find someone we click with, and we build relationships with them. However, if you want something more than peer-to-peer, like-minded interactions, you’ll have to create it intentionally. Just as there are benefits to kind-to-kind relationships, there are many blessings that come from mixed groups. Let me share a few examples.

• Mixed groups position us to engage all kinds of people, not just those we are naturally drawn. We learn from those who are different from us because their varied experiences are not ours.
• Mixed groups prepare Christians for different types of people and problems. You’ve heard of living in an echo chamber, right? In a mixed group, the chances of being stretched beyond your comfort zone are strong.
• Mixed groups train people to be more effective disciple-makers because you learn from those who are living a different experience. How marvelous would it be for young couples to have empty-nesters in their group?
• Mixed groups provide younger children safe places to interact with adults. It is better for them to learn how to interact with adults long before they become one.
• Young people can learn from role models, whether older singles or married couples.
• Singles can learn from married couples, which is a huge plus since most of them will spend their lives married. For example, a lot of Titus 2 activity could happen in a small group context.
• Middle-aged couples can learn how to serve those younger than them by stepping into their stories. Instead of talking about “how things used to be,” they can learn how things are today. These older saints can also pursue cultural relevance while maximizing their cultural engagement.
• Of course, these older people can offer wisdom to anyone in the group because they are the least myopic demographic. Experience does come with age, and when you have an older, mature, wise saint in the room that the younger generations can learn from, it is sanctification gold.

Small Group Methodology

If you want a dynamic small group experience, you must do more than have a mixed group of individuals from various backgrounds and ages. You should also have an intentional plan to build into the small group members’ lives. I talked about this in a prior chapter, but I want to revisit it here because some may think that you only need a small group meeting to do life well together. In all my years of leading a small group, most of the sanctification has happened outside of the small group meeting. It occurs in these smaller groups where a person is more willing to be vulnerable, transparent, and honest about the things that are critical to them. The least number of people in the room is your best chance to get folks to open up about their deepest concerns. The graphic explains the deliberate strategy my wife and I used when we led small groups.

1. Corporate meetings provide at least fifty-two contact points in each other’s lives during the year. If you have more corporate meetings, i.e., Sunday evening, you double these opportunities to connect with each other. One of the goals is to build relational bridges with the members of your group. You don’t want to disciple someone you hardly know. The corporate meeting is a great context for building that relational bridge. A lot of small talk can lead to the deep conversations you long for, so you take advantage of these short rendezvous on Sunday morning, in addition to the teaching and singing.
2. Small group meetings have fewer people, which is conducive to more intimate conversations. With fifty-two contact points under your belt on Sunday morning, you can intentionally and incrementally go deeper in a small group setting where you have more time and fewer distractions to talk about more meaningful things. The keyword is intentionality. If you’re not intentional about connecting at the corporate or small group meetings, then redemptive transformation will not move forward.
3. Couple-to-couple (or leader-to-singles) meetings increase the possibility of transparency exponentially. Some people will never say what they want to say in a small group, but they might open up in the privacy of your home, where you’re doing hospitality for the express purpose of biblical koinonia. Also, some things should never be said in a small group. In many cases, there is a transient aspect to small groups, where new folks are coming and going, especially during the holidays, for example. Not knowing each of the members in the group well enough to open up precludes the more intimate conversations.
4. Guy-to-guy meetings are the most intimate of all. When two men or two women come together to do life over coffee, there are no distractions and few inhibitions if the leader has taken advantage of the other contexts for small group development. These final two contexts are where most of the transformation has happened in my small groups. The guy-to-guy meetings are also an excellent time to envision a potential leader about how to take initiative in the larger group. You want him to step up and lead.

The Church Culture

Suppose the church’s culture lacks a robust, transparent, vulnerable, honest, courageous, charitable, authentic gospel DNA, as I have been outlining in this book. In that case, it will not be easy to build a sanctification group within that local body. These values do not work well in a subset (small group) of the local church if the larger body is not embracing these ideas. However, in a church that values relationships, as I have outlined, it will be easier for the shepherds on the ground to lead their small groups into deeper, transformative relationships. Of course, all this begins with the leadership and their spouses. If the leaders and spouses are not living in and benefiting from biblical koinonia, the small group leaders can’t learn, live, and export it to the greater church body.

Call to Action

1. Which type of group do you prefer, and why do you like it? What are the upsides to your preference? What are the downsides?
2. In what ways can a mixed small group experience supplement your parenting objectives? Suppose you have young children. How many ways could they benefit from being around adults weekly in a small group context?
3. Why is intentionality essential to have a dynamic small group experience? What would happen if the leader was not intentional about these strategies? What if the small group members were not intentional? What would you do to change their perspectives?
4. How would you describe your church culture relating to having a robust, intentional, vulnerable, courageous, transparent, and honest desire to live together in a community? Be honest. Do you believe a small group experience that I have described here would work in the larger culture of your church? Why did you answer that way?
5. If you desire this kind of small group experience, what are the first steps you need to take to develop this kind of group in your church? Will you share your thoughts with someone you believe would be on board with your plan?

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Rick Thomas

Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.

In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).