Ep. 497 Help for the Angry and Those in the Line of Fire

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Shows Main Idea – Sinful anger comes from the heart of a weak person who has not learned how to submit his desires to the obedience of Christ. The angry person has learned how this weapon is a manipulative, emotive method to secure what they believe they need. The heart is fearful and needy; anger is the tool to satisfy these out-of-control desires. Understanding the cause of anger is the first step to changing the behavior.

You may want to read:

• Get Rick’s Book MAD
• Anger Is a Universal Assumption
• What Is Righteous Anger?

Anger Spectrum

• I’m using a man as an illustration here, though everything I say applies to a woman.
• Each reference to anger is sinful anger, not righteous anger.

Needy Puppets

Whenever a person chooses sinful anger, he is, in effect, giving the other person control over him. It’s counterintuitive. In his anger, he is like a marionette, a puppet on a string. Anger toward someone is the total submission of their thoughts, attitudes, emotions, and behaviors to the other person. It is not self-control, as governed by the Spirit of God, but someone out of control or under the control of another spirit (Galatians 5:22-23).

The person he is angry at has something or is doing something the angry person wants or wants to stop. That individual has the power, though it does not feel like that when someone rages at you. However, they will stop if you give them what they crave, which I’m not suggesting.

I’m also not suggesting you’re at fault, but merely showing how weak, insecure, dysfunctional, and manipulative a person becomes when they cannot get their desires met—much like a toddler choosing a tantrum to coerce something out of a parent.

What causes quarrels, and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel (James 4:1-2).

Need-Based Theology

The crux of the matter is that angry people believe they need something. This perspective is why there are elevated expectations and plummeting disappointments each time someone does not meet the angry person’s cravings. Angry individuals are weak people, compelling one to ask, “Do you really need what is causing your anger?”

How many arguments have you gotten into with someone only to look back on it and realize how unimportant it was? If you’re like me, there have been times when you elevated something in your heart until you became sinfully angry. When our desires morph into needs, sinful demands will ensue. The angry person has way too many needs. Let me give you an example of a real need:

• Real Need, Thirst: A person dying of thirst will do almost anything to get a splattering of water to quench his thirst. The need for water controls him. He feels insecure (fearful), and rightly so, because he will eventually die without water.
• Not Real Need, Desire: When a child does not get his way, he may pout to manipulate you. He believes he needs something. This craving to get it turns into a pout (disguised anger). It’s his tactic to capture what he has elevated to a need.
  • If the parent does not help the child change, he will take this manipulative tactic into adulthood.
  • Adults turn things like love, respect, approval, acceptance, significance, etc., into needs.

What I Am Missing

In a nutshell, what the angry person is missing is Christ dying on the cross for his sins. When I forget this central truth of the Bible, I am apt to become sinfully angry at someone. (For a clear portrait of a madman who ignored the gospel, read Matthew 18:23-35.)

In those moments, before I yield to the temptation of sinful anger, I need to inform myself of what I am missing in the gospel. Below are some relevant statements that I have often used to tell my heart to neutralize sinful anger. You may also apply this list to Paul’s template in Ephesians 4:22-24—put off, renew the mind, and put on.

To Anger’s Object

Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man (Proverbs 22:24).

Walk Away: Do not try to help the angry person alone. The person habituated in sinful anger is not under the influence of the Spirit of God. He is without God, at least functionally, because God opposes proud hearts (James 4:6). It would be a fool’s mission to get the angry man to stop being angry. He needs community and lots of it.

He’s a Fool: A synonym the Lord uses in Proverbs 14:29 to describe the angry man is foolish. The word foolish represents the actions of the angry person—he commits foolishness or folly. The behavior of foolishness comes from the heart of a fool. By his fruit, you know him: his behaviors reveal his heart and who he is. Jesus taught us that words originate from the heart (Luke 6:43-45). If the words are foolish, the person is a fool.

Find Help: You would be wise not to interact with a fool alone. He does not play by God’s rules. Remember: He is a god. You would be right to appeal, but if those requests fall on the hardened ground of his heart, you must talk to the spiritual authorities in your life, calling them to help you (Matthew 18:15-17).

He’s Disqualified: Because he is a god, he breaks the first commandment (Exodus 20:3), disqualifying him from leading you. God does not call us to follow fools unthinkingly (1 Corinthians 11:1). There is a mutual and reciprocal requirement for the husband to lead and love and the wife to submit and respect. (See Ephesians 5:22-33.)

Call to Action

1. What does anger reveal about the angry person’s heart? (He has changed a desire into a need.)
2. What happens when a person transforms desires into needs?
3. Why is it unwise to answer an angry fool?
4. Why is an angry authority figure disqualified from leading those under him?

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Rick Thomas

Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.

In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).