Ep. 286 How Do You Live with a Narcissist Who Accuses?

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Shows Main Idea – In this episode, Rick answers several questions from our community. There are Mastermind questions, plus how not to feel like a failure after an unwanted divorce, how to react to a narcissist who lies about you, working through PTSD, and some practical pointers for overcoming grief.

Show Notes

You may want to read:

• The Battle for the Mind Post-Adultery and Divorce
• How to Take Your Thoughts Captive
• A Practical Plan to Break Free from Being Controlled by Others

“I’m interested in your Mastermind Program. What is the cost to signup, and is there a certification process? Do you have a coaching program for those who are interested in training and counseling laypeople?” –Tim

• Find answers about the Mastermind Program here.
• The Mastermind Program will train you how to counsel folks.
• You may also use our forums to receive answers about specific counseling situations.

“Why do I feel like a failure as a man because of my divorce?” –Ken

• You’re asking an identity question. Your identity is in Christ, and He’s the one who “passes or fails” you, and if He has regenerated you, your standing before Him is perfect.
• You may have to address matters of regret. You will have to address the insecurity (fear of man) as well.

“I lived with a narcissistic man, and he still accuses me of all the problems in our marriage. I feel so guilty. Will you help me?” –Fran

• Narcissism means selfishness, and a selfish person will do all sorts of selfish things.
• You must discern between true and false guilt. Also, you must understand gaslighting.
• Repent of what is legitimately your sin, which you want to speak with a competent person to help you sort that out.
• Surround yourself with good companions to help you maintain sanity.
• If a person has power over you, then you must ask why.
  • They have something you want, e.g., their acceptance.
  • You carry guilt for some things, which makes their accusations controlling.

“I struggle with PTSD and struggle with forgiving those who have hurt me. I’m also bitter. Will you help me?” –Gerald

• Don’t get caught up with the acronym; you’re describing trauma.
• Recognize the sins that you’re committing and begin a process of repenting. You cannot hold onto sin and expect to get better.
• Understand what being a victim means. I’m speaking of vicarious.

“What is considered healthy/unhealthy grief? Does it get easier over time? What is there to expect? I realize it’s a different process for each person and each loss, but how does it go?” –Kerensa

• Healthy grief has a numbing effect, which speaks to the affection you had for the loss. It means you’re normal.
• Unhealthy grief immobilizes you from functioning normally in life. You may take time off work, but you should be moving forward, doing normal life functions. You’re slower, less interested, and perhaps non-emotional about most things, but you’re functioning.
• What you should expect is the goodness of God to bring you out of the long, gray tunnel. How you respond will reveal your functional relationship with God, and if you cannot change yourself, you must receive help because something is wrong with your relationship with God.
• It is different for each person, which you must consider. Some folks are brooders, while others can shrug things off quickly. Some people are more mature, which does matter. You care for each person uniquely.

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Rick Thomas

Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.

In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).