Mind Mapping Wisdom and Courage for Gossiping Friends

Photo: ©Ikostudio via Canva.com

It is impossible to keep from talking about others behind their backs. We all do it in some form, whether casually, out of concern, or even in prayer. Thus, the question is not whether talking about someone will occur but how will we respond when it does? In this chapter, I’m speaking about gossip. Are we content to listen and silently participate in these conversations, or do we have the courage to redirect them toward biblical restoration? The way we handle private talk about others, especially when the information is potentially sinful, reveals not only our love for others but also our reverence for God.

You may want to read:

• Gossip: When Someone Says Bad Things About You
• How to Respond to Gossip and Broken Relationships
• A Gospel-Centered Response to Criticism

The Gossip Collage

Let’s consider a familiar scenario. Bert and Biff were chatting at the water cooler at work. (Okay, maybe it wasn’t an actual water cooler, but when you want to illustrate gossip, that metaphorical space suffices.) Ben happened to pass by, and once he was out of earshot, Biff leaned in. He told Bert that Barry mentioned Ben and his wife, Marge, weren’t doing well. According to Barry, Ben had been flirting with Mable in the office. Biff said Barry had seen them having lunch twice a week and staying late at work. Biff admitted he didn’t know what to do with this information, so he decided to tell his wife, Mildred. Mildred wasn’t surprised. She had a hunch something was wrong with Ben and Marge. Four months ago, Marge had emotionally vented at the ladies’ Bible study, according to Madge. Now, all these friends—Bert, Biff, Barry, Mildred, and Madge—attend the same church. Some have known each other for more than a decade. Yet, despite their spiritual proximity, none of them has verified whether Ben and Mable are truly involved. They’re all operating in the realm of uncharitable judgment: observing behavior and drawing conclusions without grace, love, or objective confirmation.

Practical Principles

So, what do we do when someone shares something negative about another person? Here are several steps that wise Christians must implement if they want to honor God and love others biblically:

• Ask if they’ve spoken directly to the person they’re concerned about. If not, gently encourage them to do so.
• Appeal to them to address the issue biblically. Offer to help them think through what to say, or even go with them if needed.
• Guard your heart against unverified assumptions. If you’re not careful, your thoughts can spiral into judgment, forming conclusions about people you’ve never spoken to about the issue.
• Follow up with the person who shared the information. Ensure they’re faithful to biblical principles and not just indulging in speculation.

Sometimes, it’s not wrong to speak about someone else, even if they’re not present. However, this type of communication requires discernment. Here are a few conditions under which such a conversation may be appropriate:

• The person doesn’t know how to handle what they know and seeks biblical counsel from someone more experienced and wiser.
• They’re afraid to approach the person alone and need help to do so. Perhaps it’s not wise to approach the person alone.
• They share the information with someone trustworthy who can disciple them toward a godly response, thus creating a mentoring relationship.

In these cases, it’s not gossip; it’s an appeal for wisdom. But even then, the motive must be checked. If the purpose is to find help for someone else, it can be a righteous action. If the intent is to talk, vent, or criticize simply, then it is sinful speech disguised as concern. The question is not: “Did you talk about someone who wasn’t there?” The better question is: “Why did you talk about them, what was your motive for doing so, and what will you now do about it?”

Communal Response

Let’s revisit our gossip collage. Barry, Bert, and Biff were gossiping. Mildred, though not actively slandering, was complicit by failing to steward the information biblically. Each person bears responsibility, not just for what they said, but for what they failed to do. Barry should have gone straight to Ben. Regardless of whether Ben was actually sinning, Barry had a responsibility to love his brother enough to inquire with humility and grace. Even if there was no affair, Barry could’ve helped Ben think more wisely about the optics of his actions; having lunch with a woman alone and working late with her might be above board, but it could also be unwise.

After Biff heard Barry’s concerns, he should have encouraged Barry to speak to Ben directly. Then, Biff should have followed up to ensure it happened. If Barry refused, Biff had a duty to act: to either go with Barry or speak to Ben himself. Mildred had a similar obligation. After hearing from Madge about Marge’s emotional breakdown, Mildred needed to ask whether Madge had followed up. She also needed to talk to Biff—her husband—and ask for his help discerning the most loving and redemptive next step. In marriage, two are one flesh. Biff and Mildred should not be functioning as isolated participants in a gossip circle, but as a unified redemptive force, seeking the restoration of their friends and the glory of God.

When to Speak

Here’s where the matter becomes complicated. Nearly every Christian knows someone struggling with sin, relational difficulty, or spiritual stagnation. Many times, that knowledge comes through informal channels: conversations, observations, prayer requests, or vulnerable moments. So when should we speak up? When should we keep it to ourselves? When should we involve others? The answers lie in two things: the gospel and wisdom. We must root our speech in gospel motivations, and we must apply wisdom in choosing how and when to act. It’s never as simple as “Don’t talk behind their back,” or “Just go to them immediately.” These blanket approaches can be unhelpful. Consider Hebrews 2:14–15:

Since therefore the children share in flesh and blood, he himself likewise partook of the same things, that through death he might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is, the devil, and deliver all those who through fear of death were subject to lifelong slavery.

Jesus endured suffering to liberate us from bondage, not just from sin’s penalty but also from its controlling power. If that’s true, which it is, then we cannot sit back and watch a brother or sister flounder. We are called to act. David’s sin with Bathsheba and the subsequent murder of Uriah was not addressed until Nathan confronted him (2 Samuel 12:7). God sent Nathan because David was blind to his condition. Love does not ignore sin, but it moves toward it. Similarly, Paul told the Corinthians to deal decisively with sin in the church (1 Corinthians 5). Lingering, unchallenged sin doesn’t auto-correct. It metastasizes.

Gospel-centered Accountability

Thus, the question we must all ask is, “Are we willing to be courageous, wise, and redemptive with our speech?” Gospel accountability doesn’t mean being harsh or critical. It doesn’t mean snooping about, seeking to find the latest piece of gossip. It does not include being a nitpicker. Gospel accountability means being so committed to Christ and others that we will not allow sinful patterns to flourish in our hearts or the local church. It means stepping into awkward moments with love, courage, and clarity. It also means knowing when to stay silent. Yes, there are times when not speaking is the most redemptive course. For example:

• When you don’t have enough information
• When you’re spiritually compromised by a sinful attitude and unable to speak graciously
• When you need counsel before approaching the person

But let’s be honest: Most of the time, we stay silent because we’re afraid, not because we’re discerning or dislike them. We fear awkwardness, rejection, conflict, or being misunderstood. Fear is not a fruit of the Spirit. Courage, compassion, and clarity are more representative of Christlikeness. The gospel gives us the boldness to speak truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). It also provides us with the humility to receive correction when we’re the ones in error.

Redeem the Circle

Let’s imagine a different ending to our opening scenario. What would have happened if Barry had immediately spoken with Ben and asked kindly, non-accusatorily, about his lunches with Mable? Perhaps Ben would’ve thanked him for the courage to ask. Maybe Ben would have clarified that the lunches were part of a team project. Or maybe Ben would have confessed to a growing temptation to sin. Imagine then that Barry walks with Ben through a process of repentance. Ben tells his wife, meets with their pastor, and a couple on the verge of collapse is restored, all because someone chose to speak with courage and compassion. Biff could then support Barry in prayer. Mildred and Biff could extend love to Marge. The church could rally around the couple. This scenario is what a gospel community looks like: Truth in love. Speech guided by the Word. And hearts that aim for redemption, not just resolution through pragmatic means.

Call to Action

1. Do you know damaging things about a brother or sister that you’ve been unwilling to address? Why haven’t you acted? What fear or insecurity is holding you back?
2. Are you more prone to speak about someone than to talk to them? What does that say about your relationship with them? What does it say about your trust in God?
3. The next time someone gossips to you, how will you respond? Will you ask, “Have you spoken to them?” Will you offer to go with them?
4. Are you willing to be a redemptive disruptor in your circle of influence? Like hearing an off-color joke, will you graciously stand for Christ even if it’s uncomfortable?
5. Will you ask God for the grace to steward your speech more faithfully? Ask for wisdom, courage, and love: three gifts that equip you to confront sin charitably.

The gossip problem is not merely a relational issue; it’s a theological one. It says something about how seriously we take sin, how dearly we value image, and how freely we apply grace. Will you be part of the solution?

Need More Help?

1. If you want to learn more from us, you may search this site for thousands of resources—articles, podcasts, videos, graphics, and more. Please spend time studying the ones that interest you. They are free.
2. If you want to talk to us, we have private forums for those who support this ministry financially. Please support us here if you want to help us keep our resources free.

Rick Thomas

Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.

In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).