A Lesbian Walked Into My Office Ready for Help

A Lesbian Walked Into My Office Ready for Help

Photo: ©Eugenio Marongiu via Canva.com

A lesbian walked into my counseling office looking for help. She had grown weary of her lifestyle, had a remote association with God, and thought maybe He was in her problems somehow, some way. She needed help sorting things out. It’s a great story. I trust my retelling of it will be an encouragement to anyone with children or friends who have walked away from the Lord. There is hope. There is no life outside God’s grace. He is a redeeming God.

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A Lesbian Walked Into My Office Ready for Help

Uniquely Fallen

She was 32 years old and a graduate of an established Christian university. Her parents were renowned for their life-long, full-time vocational ministry. She had been living a lesbian lifestyle for 12 years. She had visited four previous churches before coming to ours. She said that after telling someone her story at the last church, she became the sermon illustration the following Sunday.

We talked for a long-time.

Lesbianism was not her primary sin issue, though a significant one. The primary entanglement began long before she embraced “the lifestyle,” a manifestation of something more profound deep in her soul. Our behaviors act as fruit, always implying a root system that develops and gives life to the eventual fruit. It’s our hearts where sin grabs us and begins to grow into our unique lives. It’s fair to say that everyone is totally depraved but uniquely fallen; my struggle is not yours nor yours, mine.

Any sin will put Christ on the cross, though all sin is not the same, consequentially speaking. It’s also true that some of our choices receive a harsher condemnation from God, and a homosexual lifestyle is a label that elevates its heinousness according to His Word. Still yet, none of us are out of the reach of God’s grace.

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The Backstory

Here is part of what my new friend told me in that first meeting:

Rick, I remember the first time I walked into that lesbian bar. I went in with a friend because I was curious and had never been to a bar like that. All these ladies were sitting at the bar, on those stools. Most of them turned and looked at me when I entered. Rick, I can’t tell you how good it felt when those ladies began to show interest in me.

It was one of the first times in my life where I felt accepted and loved while not being required to be perfect.

I had no interest in becoming a lesbian. I just wanted friends with whom I could be real with them. In my [Christian college], I could never tell anyone my innermost thoughts. Rather than getting help, I would get demerits. If I dared to share the real me, I would “get told on.” I just wanted someone to listen to me and not condemn me.

There was no way I was going to talk to my school. And my parents? Never! All they cared about was how they looked to others, which was the problem: how things were and how things looked were miles apart. They cared about what things appeared to be rather than dealing with what was happening in my heart.

These ladies at that bar accepted me. It felt good.

Rick, do you think if I confessed my sin to God, he would give me a demerit? Would He kick me out of school? Would He put me in a penalty box?

Dying for Lesbians

My friend was willing to sacrifice all her Christian experience, including her theology and all she knew about Christ, plus the Christian community, to have a relationship with someone where she could be honest and not judged. (It’s essential for you to know that she did not come to me because she wanted to change her lifestyle. She came to me because her girlfriend had broken up with her and had begun another “committed” relationship.) Her reason for coming was similar to ours: We don’t always want to change, but circumstances can push us toward change even as we are resisting.

She was resisting but desperate for help. When your desperation is more intense than your resistance, you’re in a good spot and possibly a candidate for change. She had enough God-awareness to get help and assumed a Christian counselor or pastor was an option, not realizing she would have to try four churches before she could find help. She was at the bottom—the end of herself.

She asked me at our first meeting what the “end of counseling” would be like for her. Her question was good, and the answer is always the same. The end of counseling is never for a person to get better. To only get better is still “in-process.” The end of counseling is when the counselee can go out and become a disciple-maker. I’ll never forget her response. She burst into tears. It was uncontrollable and a bit uncomfortable. I asked her why she was crying. She said it never dawned on her that God would not only forgive her but that He would use her for His fame, her good, and the benefit of many. She thought her sin was beyond the scope of God’s grace.

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Ten Reflective Thoughts

I introduced her to my God rather than her legalistic, demerit-toting one. It is the kindness of God that leads to change (Romans 2:4). She learned about grace. She understood that Christ died for lesbians too. She changed.

  1. As you listen to this story, who was the biggest sinner in that counseling office? What does your answer reveal about you?
  2. Homosexuality is an abomination in the eyes of God; a gay person is a fellow image-bearer. How do you steward these truths as you think about helping others?
  3. The gay lifestyle could be the pathway to Christ. It was with my friend, though you might have traveled a different dark road. There is one Christ, but many ways to get to Him.
  4. Her parents did not make her sin. Ultimately, she made a choice. None of us will stand before God, explaining that our choices were because of what happened to us or what others did to us.
  5. Her school did not make her sin. Her school was one of many means that revealed and amplified the twisted condition of her heart. When under the heat of adversity, our true selves manifest.
  6. The core of her problem is, like every other person, a craving for acceptance that only God can satisfy through the completed work of Christ.
  7. Please don’t underestimate our human approval drive, and don’t assume your friends have no soul noise when it comes to craving acceptance or desiring belonging. Perhaps there is someone around you teetering between darkness and light.
  8. Parents must be aware of a child’s Adamic insecurity while creating a home of grace, encouragement, and safety. They should never withhold appropriate discipline, but it must always happen in an environment of grace, love, and acceptance.
  9. Parents must not fall into the legalistic trap: “What did I do wrong” as though your works save people. Perhaps you made mistakes; you can change, but you’re never the cause of someone’s sin. You may contribute, but not cause.
  10. Parents must not fall into the “presuming on grace” trap: “I did nothing wrong; there’s nothing to see here.” We cooperate with God, partnering with Him in the rearing of our children, but only He can bring repentance to the human heart.

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