Marriage Day 20: Best Way To Help Your Spouse Change

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Life Over Coffee Devotions

• 31-Day Marriage Devotion
• 31-Day Parenting Devotion
• 31-Day Teen Devotion

Do you presume on the riches of his kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that God’s kindness is meant to lead you to repentance? (Romans 2:4).

There are several ways to motivate your spouse to change. Here are six awful examples. As you go through this list, examine your heart to see which ones you tend to employ the most often when your spouse is not changing and maturing according to your expectations.

• The Shame Approach: Pointing out how dumb that thing was that your spouse did.
• The Guilt Approach: Comparing your spouse’s poor behavior with someone else’s good behavior.
• The Threat Approach: Yelling the consequences of your spouse’s sin if they continue in it.
• The Condemnation Approach: Putting your spouse down or making fun of them in front of others.
• The Critical Approach: Constantly pointing out your spouse’s faults, no matter how small they may be.
• The Cynical Approach: Though your spouse may have done something good, you know their intent was selfish.

How did you do? Did you see yourself using any of those approaches? All of the methods I have suggested can work, especially if your spouse willingly gives you that kind of power over them or if you manipulate them into submission. If any of these methods are the ones you employ, you may be a domineering and exasperating person. If you continue to use these methods, your marriage will stay weak, strained, and non-redemptive. Let’s say your observations about your spouse are correct. Having the right perspective does not automatically mean your methods for change are correct. The Bible contains a process for change that can be redemptively useful. This approach finds its anchor in the gospel, and though there are many ways to say it, I am going to simplify by calling it “being an encourager.” How are you doing at encouraging your spouse, especially when they are not meeting your expectations? (cf. Matthew 5:44-45; Luke 6:27).

Your primary motive for being an encourager should be your desire to magnify God’s name by displaying His Son in the context of your marriage. You want to make His name fantastically great for His glory and the benefit of your spouse. If you obtain good results because you were kind to your spouse, you can praise God for the pleasing results. Personal blessings that happen for loving God and others more than yourself are a thing to be praised, not an idol to be worshiped. Potential impure motivations are why you want to guard your heart against using encouragement as a tool rather than being obedient regardless of outcomes. The Encouragement Approach does not mean you should overlook sin. You should not ignore your spouse’s sins, though finding fault is not typically that hard. You may have to train your mind by breaking strongholds to encourage your spouse. Adamic people do not natively make encouragement their practice. But when you do encourage, redemptive things happen.

• Your spouse is encouraged.
• Your spouse gains insight into how Jesus lived.
• Your spouse learns good and acceptable behaviors.
• You both can praise God for His work in your lives.
• The encouraged spouse is built up in the faith.
• You strengthen your relationship with your spouse.
• You have more liberty to bring future critique to your spouse.

Time to Reflect

Do you have a well-tuned Got-It-Right antenna? As you might imagine, this habit takes more time and is harder to perfect than being a nitpicker. Catching people doing well takes effort, but when you do catch them getting it right, it motivates them toward change because that is what God’s kindness does.

Practical Suggestion

For the next seven days, I want you to sharpen your Got-It-Right antenna by observing, catching, identifying, and acknowledging your spouse getting it right. Each time you catch your spouse doing something good, let them know. Work hard at becoming an encourager.

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Rick Thomas

Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.

In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).