Marriage Day 29: Ten Ways to Ignore Your Marriage Problems

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Life Over Coffee Devotions

• 31-Day Marriage Devotion
• 31-Day Parenting Devotion
• 31-Day Young Adult Devotion

For when I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer (Psalm 32:3-4).

Resist sin in your marriage at every turn. Do not think that you are the exception or that you are somehow above sin, and it will not destroy you. When you see it, kill it. If it is more than you can handle, call for the caregivers (local church) and let them help you kill it. The most ungracious thing you can do is let it persist in your marriage. I’ve counseled many spouses who refused to take this advice. Instead of implementing a biblical plan to restore the brokenness in their marriages, they nourished and cherished other things that became replacements for their infected marriages. Here are ten of those marriage replacements:

• Ministry: Serving others is a common marriage replacement. Whether a pastor or someone else serving in a similar role, their ministry became their new marriage partner. The marriage-to-ministry problem is bigger than you might imagine. A lot of praise can come through the door of ministry, which can be satisfying for a person in a dissatisfying marriage.
• Work: A person’s vocation is similar to the ministry replacement. It’s a place for a spouse to get their approval fix. Their marriage is unfulfilling, so they put all their energy, skill, and time into their job. They use the job card as the de facto answer to why they do not devote more time to the family. “I work all day” is the excuse, which can be a smoke screen to justify their anger toward their spouse.
• Children: A spouse in an unsatisfactory marriage may find an outlet through their children. Rather than enjoying their spouse, they move their primary human affection to their children. It is not unusual for the child-centered or workaholic parent to divorce after 35 years of marriage. After they retire and the kids are gone, the distractions are also gone.
• Flirting: Husbands and wives may resort to flirting in the workplace or the church to satisfy their cravings for soul-to-soul companionship.
• Porn: Many spouses enjoy the private fantasy world of porn as a spousal replacement. Through the Internet, they construct their fantastical mental narratives. The cyber actors virtually adore the spouse as they enjoy a temporary break from a dissatisfying marriage.
• Friends: Spouses are particularly susceptible to the best friend trap, especially their friends who want spiritual intimacy or nonjudgmental companionship. Bible studies and sports bars can become surrogate spouses for those longing for emotional bonding.
• Social Media: The most popular free therapy outlet is the Internet. It’s a person’s favorite social media site where they spend an excessive amount of time scrolling.
• Approval: At the root of all brokenness in marriages lurks the desire to be appreciated by someone. If the wife is demanding or a nag, or the husband is inattentive or harsh, the hurt spouse is tempted to look for any means to find someone who approves and appreciates them.
• Strengths: A person’s strength is their greatest weakness, especially if they are using their skills and abilities to fill their cravings while ignoring their marriage.
• Distort the Truth: If your marriage is not what it should be and you don’t find help to resolve the problems, you will be tempted to alter God’s Word to rationalize your life and marriage. Perhaps you blame your spouse or justify your anger. Sin unchecked, like cancer, will cause more problems.

Time to Reflect

1. As you read the list, which ones most closely align with your marriage?
2. What would you add to the list that most closely reflects your marriage replacement temptations?

Practical Suggestion

If your marriage is dissatisfying, do not ignore or justify your marriage replacements. Ask God to help you identify what is happening and make a plan to remove what is wrong from your life.

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Rick Thomas

Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.

In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).