Marriage Day 12: The Most Effective Thing You Can Do

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Life Over Coffee Devotions

• 31-Day Marriage Devotion
• 31-Day Parenting Devotion
• 31-Day Teen Devotion

Put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness (Ephesians 4:22-24).

The modeling of Christ and practicing repentance in your home are at the top of the list of what you both should be doing in your family relationships. Suppose you are not imitating Christ or repenting of sins. In that case, your marriage can only limp along with a Band-Aid approach while accelerating the accumulative frustration that leftover, hungover sinning does until death disrupts your one-flesh union. There is no way to circumvent the hard and humble way of going to your spouse, confessing your sin, asking for forgiveness, and encouraging your spouse to have a similar kind of humility that forgiveness-granting exemplifies to the offender. You will know if you have authentically buried the hatchet if you can talk about what happened in non-punitive ways. There is no biblical reason for a Christian couple not to repent and reconcile.

However, I suspect the overwhelming majority of those who name the name of Christ do not live out authentic, practical repentance in their marriages. Imagine this: After you have declared that you nailed your sin to Jesus’ cross, you can start doing the grace-empowered work of examining what went wrong, why it went wrong, and how to avoid repeating the offense. Where else in God’s world can the offended collaborate in the sanctification of the offender for the ongoing restorative development of their marriage? Real-life change is a stunning turn of events for fallen people. It’s one of the best-kept secrets in Christian families and the local churches they attend. If you are a practitioner of full repentance, keep on doing what you have been doing. Repentance is a gift from the Lord (2 Timothy 2:24-25). Don’t ever let up. Refine it. Ensure it is reflexive repentance: as soon as you sin, you name it and claim it, and your spouse does similarly by granting forgiveness and then moving on to the restoration of the relationship.

Time to Reflect

Here are the 13 steps to authentic, biblical repentance in sequential order. I’ve labeled and defined each step for you. As you read through the list, answer the questions provided.

1. Sin: What does it mean to have clearly defined sin categories rather than ambiguous labels for the things you do wrong?
2. Guilt: Do you understand that all sin brings guilt, whether you know it or not? Once you transgress God’s Word, you are automatically guilty before God.
3. Conviction: Do you have a biblically informed conscience that experiences the Spirit’s sweet conviction? We should feel our transgressions.
4. Confession: After you sin, do you agree with God (and anyone else you sinned against) that you transgressed?
5. Pre-forgiveness: When your spouse sins against you, do you quickly become ready to forgive your spouse?
6. Forgiveness: When you sin, do you seek to transact forgiveness with your spouse? It is a transactional request for forgiveness.
7. Post-forgiveness: Does the power of the gospel neutralize the offense between both of you so you can reconcile?
8. Reconcile: After you ask for and receive forgiveness, are you able to talk about what happened?
9. Restoration: With the sin behind you, do you actively seek to keep from doing it again? Please explain how you have done this in the past.
10. Put off: Do your sin categories give you the insight and clarity you need to know what to put off?
11. Renew: As you put off the offense, are you training your inner person not to do it again? How does this happen in your life and marriage?
12. Put on: What does it mean to put on Christ, practically speaking?
13. Disciple: Active repentance is not just about getting better but about getting better so you can help others. Are you practically discipling others, including your spouse?

Practical Suggestion

Answer the questions provided in the reflection section and assess your strengths and weaknesses. In the areas where you are weak, write out a specific plan to mature in those areas.

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Rick Thomas

Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.

In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).