Let Me Draw You a Picture of a Marriage in Trouble

Photo: ©Cecilie_Arcurs from Getty Images Signature via Canva.com

The best marriages are those in which each partner’s distinct uniqueness works in a beautiful symmetry that enhances the other’s strengths while compensating for their spouse’s weaknesses. The worst marriages are those in which partners do not know how to help each other become a mature picture of Christ and His church. Their strengths do not support the other spouse’s weaknesses, while their unique weaknesses become annoying interruptions to their life partner.

You may want to read:

• A Common Marriage Problem: I Don’t Like You
• Here Is Your Radical Marriage Conflict Resolution Tip
• Mind Mapping a Marriage from Bad to Good

Visual Discipleship

If you meet with me for counseling or any discipleship situation, you’re probably going to walk away with a few rudimentary, stick-figure sketches on blank sheets of paper. A picture is worth a thousand words. For years, I have kept a stack of printer paper on my desk, which I used to sketch spiritual concepts. A few years ago, I bought a digital tablet to show the sketches on a screen in the office and afterward zip them up to send to my counselees. Jesus, the master illustrator, was accomplished in this method of teaching others. He used illustrations to take a person from the concrete and practical to the abstract and spiritual (Luke 12:27). Christ used real-life examples to communicate lofty, God-focused truths. He would draw in the sand (John 8:1-11) or point to the sky (Matthew 6:26) to make God’s truth come alive in the minds of His hearers. He used hair, lilies, birds, and fig trees (Matthew 21:19).

Breaking It Down

The divided heart at the top shows the problem and implied solution of marriage—one flesh. As you can see, there is division in their one-flesh union. The diagonal arrows demonstrate the direction each person in the partnership should go. Before their marriage, they were individuals, but after they tied the knot, they began a lifelong journey toward more in-depth one-flesh-ness. The long arrow at the bottom of the page—from right to left—illustrates how the husband expects his wife to adapt to his likes and preferences rather than leading her into the mysterious one-flesh relationship, allowing both their strengths and weaknesses to assimilate into the beauty of Christ and His church. (See Ephesians 5:25-33.) The problem with a marriage that does not emulate Christ and the church is typically the husband’s general attitude and practice place pressure on his wife to conform to his wishes.

Of course, a wife can do similarly, especially if she has strengths that outshine her husband’s. Expecting your spouse to adapt to your strengths while ignoring your weaknesses rather than helping them mature according to how the Lord has gifted them will always create strife. Rather than seeing and leveraging the differences for something magnificent, a spouse may try to downgrade, ignore, or remove the differences while demanding the spouse assimilate to a marriage made in the dominating spouse’s image. Here are a few examples:

• The wife likes organization, but it’s not his gift. She demands that he become organized like her.
• He is punctual, but she is not. He rails on her for not being like him—on time.
• A spouse is social. The social spouse manipulates the other spouse to morph into a social extrovert, something his reserved personality resists.

Strengths and Weaknesses

Knowing your spouse can do something better than you is a massive benefit to the marriage. Not recognizing their strengths or restricting your spouse from flexing their gifting can weaken and even kill a marriage. For example, a husband may choose to mask his weaknesses while draining the life out of her strengths. Alternatively, he could be transparent about where he fails while asking his wife to use her strengths to help him mature into ever-increasing Christlikeness. Adam was missing a rib, and Eve was the perfect person to make him whole. A key to marriage success is when two people are willing to humble themselves and have many conversations about their strengths and weaknesses. Their goal is to make the most of their strengths while transforming their weaknesses. These ideas became apparent to me years ago as I perceived Lucia’s administrative gifting. She has the gift of administration, which would make me a fool to drain that strength from her. Fanning the flame of her gifting has released me to use my strengths in other ways, which permits us to magnify God more profoundly than what either one of us could do individually. A key verse that makes a beautiful prayer along these lines is Psalm 34:3.

Oh, magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together.

Call to Action

1. What are a few of your spouse’s strengths? How are you helping your spouse to use those strengths?
2. Do you struggle with your spouse’s strengths? Have jealousy, competition, manipulation, anger, or other sins impinged upon the potential of your marriage? Please explain.
3. Assuming you do struggle, how is your spouse helping you to walk out repentance? What needs to happen for you to enter a deeper conversation about the possibility of this transformative opportunity in your marriage?
4. What are a few of your weaknesses? Are you allowing your spouse to enter into those weaknesses so your marriage can be stronger? If you’re unable to talk at this depth, what needs to happen to benefit from this type of koinonia?

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Rick Thomas

Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.

In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).