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From the moment we met on July 24, 1994, we clicked. There was hardly a time we didn’t enjoy each other. Though we did have a few common interests, more things were uncommon between us, which I believe is vital for two people to maximize all that God would have them to be. Initially, our differences did not matter because of our desire to be together, even though some of them were starkly antithetical.
I could go on with our list of differences, but it did not matter. Lucia and I were buddies, partners, friends, and complementing lovers for life. Though we enjoyed each other, it was apparent early in our marriage something was missing. We loved God and each other, but our affection for each other began to wane. In the beginning, the little rubs turned into bigger rubs, with continuing and growing misunderstanding, miscommunication, and petty annoyances as we journeyed directionally the same way, but not necessarily conjoined. Most of the time, we ignored the big pink elephants in our marriage. As long as we pretended everything was okay, we continued to enjoy each other. It was like an unspoken “I’m okay; you’re okay” agreement. Let’s bury our collective heads in the sand and ignore the subtle and the overt. Sometimes, it was not possible to ignore everything. There was a low-grade frustration, and every few weeks, our not-so-easy-to-perceive anger would manifest as we vented on each other. We would not speak for a day or two as we gradually eased back into the marriage waters again.
It may help to reiterate that we loved each other. We were not enemies as much as ignorant, immature friends. Even though our Marriage Mission Statement had not changed and continued to be vital to us, we seemingly could not overcome this major broken koinonia hurdle. Neither one of us saw this kind of trouble coming when we were dating. For the first five years of our marriage, this negative vibe kept a low-grade churn just under the surface. Though hardly perceptible to others, there was a dynamic element missing in our lives. Layered on top of this problem was my job at our local church as the staff counselor. I was the fix-it person who helped people with weak, immature, or broken marriages. My vocation led to more personal perplexity and frustration as I served others with their problems but could not fix mine.
At about the five-year mark in our marriage, we began to experience the gospel in a way that we had not previously understood or practiced. While we knew the gospel was for our salvation, we did not see it as a necessary solution for our sanctification. We both were discipled in a legalistic culture, which emphasized the rules while mostly ignoring the reason for the rules—Jesus Christ (the gospel). In one sense, we were a picture of what our Savior condemned in Matthew:
Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people’s bones and all uncleanness. So you also outwardly appear righteous to others, but within you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness (Matthew 23:27-28)
Behaviorally, we seemed to be okay, but our hearts were not in line with the practical gospel. We were hurting, and our frustrations spilled over into unkindness toward each other. It was a surreal, uncomfortable antithesis: we loved each other, but we were annoyed—at times—with each other, which led to dishonoring each other, a pesky little sin pattern that eats away at a covenant’s koinonia’s fabric.
See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled (Hebrews 12:15).
As the gospel began to emerge in our sightlines, we gained clarity. The gospel—the person and work of Christ—motivated us to be more honest, more transparent, and more vulnerable with each other. A gospel-driven person knows they have nothing to prove, fear, or hide. We were worthless (Romans 3:12) before God found us, and what God gave us is a gift that we did not earn (1 Corinthians 4:7; Ephesians 2:8-9) and cannot lose (John 10:28). The gospel provides perfect love (John 3:16), which should cast out our fear and unnecessary inhibitions (1 John 4:18). We should be free to be honest and transparent with each other. Our problem was that we were not living in line with this gospel truth (Galatians 2:14). We did not want to be honest with each other, choosing not to let each other into our unspoken worlds where we harbored our fears.
shalom and rest for the gospel-captured soul (Philippians 4:7). The gospel is God’s power, but we were unwilling to submit our practical lives to it. We chose to rely on our unique plans and methods, which became vain attempts to fix our marriage. In time, it grew apparent God would not sit still for this. He began harassing me. Initially, I blamed Lucia for my internal soul noise and angst, but I knew the real truth about God’s disturbing work in my soul. It was His high and holy love for me that motivated Him to stir the nest of my heart. His great love saved me, and it was His great love that would lead to a deeper sanctification. Paul captured these ideas nicely in 2 Corinthians chapters 1 and 12.
So, to keep me from being too proud…a thorn was given to me in the flesh…to harass me, to keep me from being too proud (2 Corinthians 12:7, personalized).
I had received the sentence of death. But that was to make me rely not on myself but on God who raises the dead (2 Corinthians 1:9, personalized).
God was saving me from myself. My primary problem was not with my wife but with God Himself. My Father wanted me to fix my relationship with Him first, and then He would help me begin repairing the relationship with my wife.
Warning: I am not suggesting that you do what I am about to say, though it is what we did. This story is anecdotal, not a mandate for anyone to implement.
After the Lord had my attention, it was time to become a better leader in our marriage and address our mutually agreed-upon frustration. The plan of attack began with communication, so I called my friend and asked him if he and his wife would be willing to take our children for a few hours. They were glad to do it. We dropped them off at their home and went to a local Krystal hamburger restaurant—a low-grade, fast food chain in America. If you don’t know what a Krystal restaurant is, don’t worry about it—you have not missed anything, and I have already warned you about emulating our plan. Krystal is about as low as you can go on the hamburger food chain, and this particular Krystal restaurant was beside a truck stop. It was the perfect place for us to begin rebuilding our relationship for several reasons.
With all of the distractions removed from our lives, it was just Lucia and me sitting across from each other in a Krystal restaurant. We were about to have one of the more crucial talks of our marriage.
There we sat, looking vulnerable and a bit uncomfortable without our children. It was just us, staring at each other. It was the most challenging and humbling time of our marriage. It was the perfect time to put our Marriage Mission Statement to the test. I told Lucia that I did not know what to do regarding our marriage other than follow God’s lead by having this meeting. I didn’t know what to say. It all felt wooden and mechanical. We were going to places we had not been before. Then, I told Lucia that I did not like her and was not sure if I would ever like her the way that I knew I should.
Though that might sound off-putting to some, I was literally saying the quiet part aloud. How many marriages do you know about who do not like each other but have not advanced the ball to this juncture of saying—in a redemptive manner—what they know to be true to each other? I told her that I was frustrated with her. I continued to share with her about my poor leadership and added that I was not sure if I wanted to lead her. These were not condemning statements as much as they were confessions. I was sharing with my wife where I was at the moment and where I had been for a while. I was sharing with her about how my relationship with God had plummeted and my faith was weak.
You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye (Matthew 7:5).
In times past, I would share my disappointment but quickly blame her. It is the log/speak reversal. The gospel makes no allowance for this kind of foolishness. My wife’s speck did not compare to my log. With this recalibrated gospel perspective—who is the biggest sinner in the room—it was easier to take the next step, which was forgiveness.
Before, I was modeling a husband made in my image. I was not modeling a man created in the image of the Father’s dear Son—the gospel. I look back on this now and think how I must have been out of my mind. I was. Sin is not being in your right mind—a gospel-centered mindset. It is a form of insanity. Paul would say,
Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus (Philippians 2:3-5).
I did not have the mind of Christ. For those of you who know Lucia, you can easily predict what happened next: She graciously forgave me. Then, she began confessing her sins against me. That’s my wife. From where she was sitting, she could not see the log in my eye. The only log she saw was hers. She forgave me of my speck, and I forgave her of the speck in her eye. She continued to pursue personal humility while resisting any temptations toward pride. Rather than focusing on my sin, she asked me to forgive her for her unwillingness to complement the marriage effectively.
From there, we began a new marriage. We cleared the deck. God neutralized the sins in our lives. We could now talk about our relationships with God, how we needed to change, and how we could serve each other in the process of change. It is amazing what can happen in a relationship when God neutralizes the force of sin by the power of the gospel. It is amazing what can happen in a marriage when both spouses are willing to own their sins.
For the record, we were not comfortable in our Krystal conversation. We were not gospel-centered professionals—by a long shot—and we’re still not. At that table, at Krystal, we were nervous and imperfect, but we were determined to launch our boat in a different direction. Over the years, we have grown in our conversations about God and with each other. We have developed and borrowed many thoughts from many people who have helped us to keep the gospel at the center of our conversations. For example, here are some of our favorite questions that we ask each other. These queries are how we began to talk to each other back then, and how we continue to speak to each other today. I would love for you to read them and implement as many as you can as you engage your spouse.
A couple can measure their marriage by their willingness and ability to sit across from each other and ask these questions. This list is not exhaustive. One of your goals is to add to our list.
Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.
In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).
