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Let me illustrate how a desire goes bad by using this formulaic teaching from Paul Tripp:
Mable married Biff 21 years ago. Her desire is for him to love her according to her expectations. Mable’s desire is sound, typical, and expected. She is not wrong. The problem is that Biff is a self-absorbed man. When they were dating, Biff did all the right things as far as demonstrating his love to her. She was convinced of his love and knew she had found the right guy. Unfortunately, Mable had a selfish, empty love cup agenda. When Biff brought her flowers, wrote her letters, and took her to fabulous dinners during their dating relationship, it all seemed right and precisely what she wanted. Biff had figured out her culturally conjured love languages. The subtle mis-calibration is that Mable was self-deceived. She had an undisclosed craving. Mable believed she needed and deserved a person who would give her a future according to her expectations. Mable lived in an idealistic and romanticized world of her making, coupled with a weak understanding of the doctrines of sin (hamartiology) and humanity (anthropology).
Mable was not spiritually prepared for real life, in a real marriage, with a real sinner. She was selfish and an idolater, which sounds harsh on the face of it, and it was a shock to her unperceptive soul. She masked the idolatry behind a normal desire for love. None of this was discernible because few people looked beyond the surface of their lives to ask the right questions about what was going on in their hearts. Biff selfishly conquered Mable, and she allowed him to capture her. And it all went well until Biff caught his prey and slowly turned to other things. After Biff bagged his wife, he was off to vocational pursuits and hobbies. Mable was left quietly craving while stewing over her losses. The truth is, Mable had redefined love as a need, and that is when things went very wrong in her heart. Note regression:
Both Biff and Mable were idolaters in their unique ways. Biff doesn’t care for Mable, and Mable is hurt because she is not getting what she believes she deserves. The true need in their lives was mutual repentance, but they were not about to live out that kind of humility when we met at our first counseling session. They said they loved each other, but after spending a few minutes with them, it was apparent they did not. Biff loved Biff, and Mable loved her desire for love. They were bitter and angry at each other. The good news was that after 21 years of marriage, they decided it was time to get some help. In the midst of many bad decisions, going to counseling was one of the bright spots in their marriage.
Mable complained that Biff had not been meeting her expectations, though she did not say it exactly that way. She said Biff was lazy, passive, non-romantic, selfish, harsh, critical, and angry. Mable also said that she was tired of being kind to him. Then, to punctuate her points, Mable shared over a dozen instances of Biff’s selfishness. When she finished, Biff utterly sank into his seat with a white towel surrender look on his face. He seemed defeated, disinterested, and disheartened. I wondered to myself how much anger was simmering just below the surface of Biff’s facade and how he had been punishing his wife. Later in the counseling, I found out that he had been angry and disappointed in his wife for many years.
Though Biff had been passive and lazy, and most of the other things Mable had mentioned, he added that her attitude also contributed to the problems in the marriage. He was right. Though he was not saying that to blame Mable for his sin, he was saying that her hostile attitude did not help matters. It’s called a complicating factor to a pre-existing situation. Isn’t that the way it is with two people stuck in dysfunction? I’ve never met a couple, including Lucia and me, where one person was completely innocent while the other was utterly guilty. Just admitting this truth can have a massive impact on any marriage.
With over two decades of marriage under their belts, no one knew how the dysfunction began. Truthfully, for counseling, it did not matter who fired the first shot. For Biff and Mable, blaming each other was the only thing that mattered. They seemed more interested in validating their positions and winning their arguments than seeing things from God’s perspective. They spent most of their time blaming each other while affirming their rightness. That kind of “I’m-right-you’re-wrong” sparring had nearly pushed God out of their marriage. Rather than spending time blaming each other, it would have been better if they had self-assessed their culpability in contributing to the marriage’s dysfunction and then repented to God. Mable seemed to believe, by her words and actions, that if she repeatedly reminded Biff of all of his errors, he would change. Rarely is anyone motivated to change by nagging, complaining, or accusing. It indeed is not how the Savior approached us in our sin:
Or do you presume on the riches of his kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that God’s kindness is meant to lead you to repentance (Romans 2:4)?
For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God (Ephesians 2:8).
But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8).
We could look into our past and find reasons to support why we are disappointed with others. Genuine Christian maturity is less interested in who did what wrong; instead, it is more interested in how to respond humbly to God and others. Biff and Mable were more interested in being right than being humble, and in the process, they grew more angry, bitter, and unforgiving.
In time, Mable began to understand what she was doing to herself and her husband. She came to realize that while her desire for a great marriage was godly, her method for acquiring a godly marriage stunk. Quite simply, Mable forgot the gospel. She forgot how God brought her to Himself. God did not bring Mable to Himself by being critical, harsh, angry, blaming, and unforgiving. The way the Father won the heart of Mable to Himself was through love, grace, mercy, kindness, patience, and, above all else, forgiveness. When Mable was reminded of the gospel during our counseling together, God mercifully turned on the light for her. Mable got it. She understood the gospel—or you could say that she re-understood the gospel. Rather than applying the gospel to her salvation, Mable began to apply it to her sanctification. Though the gospel affected her the day God saved her from her sins, she was starting to understand how to apply it to her everyday life, especially her marriage.
Mable realized that her husband could change and that she could be part of his change process, but she first needed to change. She began to think about how God’s kindness led to her repentance. Mable further realized how she was not modeling before her husband what the Savior had emulated for her (Romans 2:4). Mable began to address her sin issues. When she did, Mable was discouraged because she was unaware of how much she had been sinning against her husband. The more she went to God regarding her sin against her husband, the more she began to experience freedom from those sins that were previously controlling her. Mable also came to understand that what she wanted in her marriage was not an evil desire and that she should not give up on her desire. But she knew that she could not sin when she did not get what she wanted. Reflectively, she saw that her ongoing marriage problems compounded when she began to sin in response to her husband’s sin. As she later said, “My desire was not wrong, but my attitude did stink.”
Mable blamed Biff for what she could not have. She accused him of withholding the thing she needed. The implication was that if Biff had acquiesced by giving Mable what she expected, she would have been happy. What she did not understand was that her desire for the relationship was not robbing her of her happiness. The loss Mable was experiencing was her idolatry. She was mad because Biff would not provide her idol. I asked her to repeat after me: “I would be happy if _________.” My question to Mable was, “What would make you happy?” She quickly answered by saying that if Biff loved her the way she wanted to be loved, she would be happy. Her answer proved her idolatry.
The only right answer to “What is the primary thing that would make you happy?” is God. That was not the case for Mable, which is why she had an idol lodged in her heart. Whatever you believe you need to be happy is your functional god (God). If God’s grace cannot overcome your lost expectations, your expectations are more significant than God’s grace, and something has displaced the Lord from the center of your life. Mable repented to God and restored her relationship with Him. He became the centerpiece of her heart and mind, which played out in real, practical, and measurable ways. It was more than intellectual assent. The more Mable humbled herself before God through repentance and began to pursue Biff, the more Biff began to change. In time, their marriage turned into a godly relationship, and God granted her the desire of her heart.
Danger, Danger: Some spouses will read this and say, “I tried that” or “I’ve been doing that for years, and it has not worked.” The primary goal is not to try something to get what you want. The main aim is to change for the glory of God regardless of any desired outcomes. I am profoundly sorry if your marriage is not what you want it to be. I have seen a thousand of these marriages. It is heartbreaking. Marriage dysfunction is part of the reason why I do what I do. I wish I could change your marriage, but I cannot change it any more than I can change mine. What I can do is change myself. My prayer for you is similar to the prayer of the three boys just before the king tossed them into the fire. They talked about how God may or may not deliver, but regardless of the fiery outcome, they would not submit to any idol.
O Nebuchadnezzar, we have no need to answer you in this matter. If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up (Daniel 3:16-18).
Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.
In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).
