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Biff is passionate about the Lord. Mable, Biff’s wife, joyfully follows Biff. Bert, Bart, and Brice, the children, are humbly submitting to their parents. Benny and Biffina, the dog and cat, are fat, lazy, and happy. They are one big happy family like they ought to be. They have established the orientation of their home as God-centered. Their family is an excellent picture for us to use to evaluate our homes, making the husband’s agenda straightforward: to follow hard after God. The Lord should be our passion, our goal, our life, and our leader. Let’s suppose a husband loved God more than anything else in his life (Matthew 22:37). In that case, he is not only pointed in the right direction, but he has positioned himself to follow the leader while setting the right example to serve his family in the most useful way he possibly can (James 4:6-7).
If a husband is leaning heavily into God (Philippians 3:13), he will be sustained and equipped by God to emulate the leadership of God. If his wife is a Christian, she will more than likely follow him with joy. A woman would have to be insane not to desire a husband who is passionately in love with God, as evidenced by him practically being Jesus to her. Of course, part of his job description is to create an environment that compels his wife to follow him. He should be developing this kind of God-centered momentum in his home. If he is biblically crazy about God, his attitude, thoughts, and behaviors toward others will consistently transform him into the person and work of Jesus—the gospel. Even when he fails, his passion for God will motivate him to repent quickly, which will re-establish the God-centered orientation of his home.
Let’s suppose that your wife is not following you. Before you begin to critique her, you may need to take a fresh and discerning look at yourself. Before you think about whom she is following, consider whom you are following (Matthew 7:3–5). Who is on point in your home? If the Lord is not the point person of your home, you need to change the leadership structure of your home (1 Corinthians 11:1). After a lot of living and a good bit of failing, one thing I have learned is that I cannot be trusted to be in charge of our home. My wife knows this, and so do our children. I have put my sin on display in our home many times (1 John 1:7–10). Hiding failures in a family is impossible. It is no secret to my family how I can mess things up. Lucia must know that I am not the leader of our family. She needs assurance. She needs to know that someone more capable than me is leading our home. As you evaluate your home, let these two ideas guide your thoughts and discussions:
As you think about the orientation of your home, who or what would you say is on point? Who or what pulls your family along? What defines your home? Whoever or whatever is on the point of your family is your functional god (God). It could be the Lord, or it could be work, ministry, activities, a spouse, or the children. Someone may ask how a person in ministry could not have God on the point of their family. My response is one of the sadder commentaries about the Christian community. It is no secret that the fallout rate among pastors is high, partly due to their inability (or unwillingness) to guide their families biblically. What’s true for them is also true for the rest of us who lead small groups, Bible studies, and para-Church ministries but fail to lead our families. Ignoring family failure can be easy. Being ministry-minded more than marriage-minded is commonplace.
Some church leaders’ ministries are a way of placing an ointment on the failures in the home. Many women in horrible marriages lead Bible studies. Being an example to their flock is not as important as filling a slot in the church or finding refuge from their home life, a brief moment of sanity in an otherwise disappointing family dynamic. If you are ignoring marriage and family failure while pursuing ministry activity, what keeps you from dealing with your marriage problems? Is it your reputation? Is it your craving for security? Is it your desire for approval? Is it not a priority of your church; are they more pragmatic than personal? Anything that replaces the work needed to put Christ on display in your life, marriage, and family is idolatry.
God replacements like these can suck the life out of what should be a vibrant, God-centered home. I have known many men in ministry who have undesirable marriages. Christians place these men on pedestals, praising them for their skills. Other husbands and dads spend their waking hours chasing the dollar. The American dream has duped them into pursuing the cultural lie of prosperity. They want the right neighborhood, the right job, a beautiful wife, activity-centered children, and the approval of their circle of friends. Too often, Christianity becomes a tack-on to their lives. Religion is a means to be connected to the right people while providing morality-based training for their children. Nominalism is a dangerous business. When God is not the point and purpose of these families, the fallout is inestimable.
Have you ever sat in traffic behind a car that was not moving? All the other cars were moving, but you were in the only stopped line. The person in front of you was texting. That is what a wife feels like when her husband is not passionately pursuing God. He is preoccupied with other things. The Godward momentum of her family gridlocks because her husband is not progressing in his walk with the Lord. When the man is not moving forward, it hinders everyone behind him. In the movie, My Fair Lady, Eliza Doolittle was at the racetrack pulling for her favorite horse, Dover. Eliza was a lower-class Cockney flower girl who Henry Higgins was training in the ways of a proper lady. She was put to the test when asked to have tea at the track with some of the upper crust.
She did well until the race was closing in on the finish line, and her horse, Dover, was not moving fast enough. As the horses were heading toward the line, Eliza, in a momentary lapse into desperation, reached into her past and yelled, “Dover, move your blooming arse!” As you might imagine, all the proper ladies choked on their tea. They were flabbergasted. Though a Christian woman might not say it exactly the way Eliza did, that is how many of them think when their husbands are not leading in the sanctification of their home. It is as though the wife is running up her husband’s backside because of his lack of spiritual forward movement. If your marriage and family are stagnating like this, here are a few questions for your consideration:
The first step in reorienting your home to God is to be able to speak about what is wrong with it. You will not be able to do this without the humbling power of the gospel working in both of your hearts. If you cannot talk about what has gone wrong in your marriage, you will need a gospel reorientation of the heart so you can have a gospel reorientation in your marriage and family. Only humble people can talk about what is wrong with them. Couples who cannot honestly and humbly share their faults and failures have drifted far from the truths proclaimed on Golgotha’s hill. A man or woman who knows where they came from has nothing to prove, nothing to hide, and nothing to protect (1 Timothy 1:15). The gospelized person is not afraid of what others may know about them because they are resting in this truth:
I was once a lost sinner, but now I am saved. I am the Lord’s beloved child; His approval is all I need. By grace, God saved me. I do not fear what others think about me or what they may say about me. God has declared me free, not guilty, and pleasing to Him. The works of Christ define me. (See Romans 3:23; Ephesians 2:8–9; Mark 1:11; Hebrews 11:6; Proverbs 29:25.)
The two most common misapplications regarding the orientation of the home concept are the child-centered home and the passive husband.
If your home’s orientation focuses on the wrong person or things, please understand that you cannot correct what is wrong unless you both are willing to sit down, talk about it, and make a practical plan to change. If you will not talk about what’s wrong, I appeal to you to find someone who can walk with you through these problems. The wrong orientation of the home rarely auto-corrects. If it continues, the future fallout will break your heart. There is only one right way for the home to function: the Lord must lead, and everyone else must practically follow His leadership.
Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.
In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).
