Here Is Practical Help to Restore Your Marriage

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Some husbands and wives can have a hard time putting a broken marriage back together. Typically, expectations and disappointments create a backlog of unresolved conflict. Unforgiveness sets in, the death toll to any relationship. When a couple gets to this point, pride becomes the unscaleable wall between them. They have lost the vision of Christ and His church in their union. I’ve developed this reflective study to help a couple in this situation to tear down that seemingly insurmountable wall.

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A Couple’s Warning

The worst way to read this chapter is with the word “but” at the tip of your tongue. I’m speaking of excuse-making here. If your initial reaction to anything I say points first to your spouse, you could be beyond help. Jesus talked about log assessment before any speck considerations in Matthew 7:3-5. If you don’t do it His way, you won’t find the help you desire. Secondly, you have to read this chapter without mapping your experience over the situation. I realize none of us are purely objective. On our most objective days, our experiences will still influence us, detaching us from the richness and purity of God’s Word.

You must fight to be biblical and not elevate your experience above God’s Word. It may serve you well to share this chapter with a courageous friend who is not afraid to speak the truth to you. Finally, before you go further, ask the Spirit of God to help you with these two things.

• Tell Him that it’s your desire not to make excuses.
• Ask Him to help you not to be experience-centered.

Your goal is to be open, honest, vulnerable, and willing to change, no matter how hard it may seem initially. Broken marriages require triage; there is no other way. What I’m asking you to do is impossibly hard, which is why you need the Lord’s empowering favor and guidance.

A Wife’s Role

The wife is analogous to the church in marriage. She has the opportunity to model the church practically to her husband. While it is true that the church reflects the Savior’s leading, loving, and sacrificing, it is also true that the church should humbly respond to His leadership. “But my husband does not lead!” This retort is a sad reality in too many marriages. In such cases, the wife still has an obligation and opportunity to demonstrate humility and love toward her husband (1 Peter 3:1-6; Ephesians 5:22, 23). She can love her husband in a similar gospel-centered manner in which the Lord loves her: when she is not responsive to or meritorious of His love (Romans 5:8; Ephesians 2:8-9). To love only the lovable is where the culture places the bar in a relationship. Christian spouses must do better than that.

If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same (Luke 6:32-33).

A Wife’s Self-Assessment

• Are you waiting for your husband to change before you love him biblically, or do you love him even though he is not leading well—at this time?
• If you do not biblically love him, would you consider how that attitude is counter to the gospel? Please explain.
• Are you aware that loving him well includes bringing discipleship care to him, which could mean you are correcting him or going over his authoritative head to access the help you need in the marriage? Please explain.
• Do you realize the vital role you play in your marriage as you humbly allow God to work through you to help your husband mature? Please explain.

A Husband’s Role

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church.” What a beautiful picture. It’s a template for you to imitate. The prototype for what all relationships should look like in a marriage covenant. It’s the clearest and most profound picture for husbands and wives to emulate. The husband is the representative or a picture of Christ in the marriage. Analogously, he is Christ. Isn’t that helpful? Dear husband, have you ever wondered how you are going to behave in your marriage? Doesn’t a picture of Christ clear it up for you? You are a picture of Christ to your wife. All you have to do is imitate Him. What would Jesus do? Doesn’t that give a new meaning to the overused WWJD marketing cliche from the late twentieth century? Paul gets right to the point. In nine words, he gives you the most comprehensive and precise job description you need to be a rock star husband.

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her (Ephesians 5:25).

A Husband’s Self-Assessment

• In what areas are you appropriating the grace of God in your marriage? What is working well for you?
• How are you imitating Christ to your wife?
• Ask your wife for her assessment regarding your imitation of Christ. Does she see similar things?
• If your children are older, ask them for their perspective on your replication of Christ. This time of collaborative reflection and assessment could be a wonderful time of encouragement as well as opportunities to grow as a husband.
• What are a couple of ways you need to change to bring a clearer picture of Jesus Christ to your marriage? Will you let your spouse know where you need to change and solicit her help?
• Will you both work together on maintaining your Christ and church-emulating strategy?

A Damaged Picture

It is a challenge for many couples to model Christ (husband) or the church (wife) in their marriages because of their ongoing struggle with sin. They like the idea of what the imitation of Christ and His church could be in their marriage, but they struggle with the process that leads to that beautiful picture. Some couples do not carefully consider the respective fallen natures that they brought into the relationship. Perhaps the questions in this chapter will help both of you as you talk about your marriage. Discussing them could open the door for you to experience the Lord working in your relationship. God gives grace to the humble (James 4:6). Husband, humbly lead your wife through this chapter. Wife, will you humbly put on a respectful and loving picture of the church? May you both expect and experience new depths of the grace of God.

Call to Action

1. Encourage your spouse by identifying how you have seen God’s grace actively working in their life.
2. Discuss some ways you could change to serve your spouse more effectively.
3. What are the benefits of being other-centered instead of thinking about what your spouse can do for you?
4. Pray together, thanking the Lord for the privilege of cooperating with Him in sanctifying each other.
5. Discuss how praying together creates a healthy vulnerability between you.

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Rick Thomas

Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.

In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).