Something Must Come Between Us, Or We’ll Hurt Each Other

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The cross of Christ has wonder-working power. It can change you and your relationships, but the process is not a passive “let go and let God” exercise. If Christ’s cross is not a practical governing reality in our relationships, we will hurt those we love the most. Though the cross of Christ is not the whole gospel, it’s a poignant reminder of the sacrifice needed to sustain a relationship with someone.

You may want to read:

• How to Distinguish Between Righteous and Unrighteous Anger
• The Power of Unforgiveness When Used as a Weapon
• Read or Listen to Rick’s 31-Day Marriage Devotion

Biff and Mable

I was meeting with a couple that had convinced themselves all the problems in the marriage were the other person’s fault. Each spouse was clear about how the other person was sabotaging the marriage. They had their facts straight, and, for the most part, they were correct in their accusations. It did not matter which angle I took. Counseling this couple was futile. They were not going to act like Christians. Both of them had just enough information on the other to justify their righteousness as they hurled accusations at each other. Finally, after several attempts to get them to see the fallacy and futility in their positions, I relinquished any further hope of a ceasefire and reconciliation. From my chair, there would be no redemptive, relational progress that day. They were too mad, too self-justified, too hurt, too unforgiving, and too stubborn to change. I gave up.

There was nothing else for them to do but double down on their positions. Yep. That is what I told my battling friends. I suggested that they continue their anger toward each other. Keep on keeping on. Duke it out. Since they were determined to bite and devour each other (Galatians 5:15), I appealed to them to keep at it. Then I paused and added, “But under one condition. I want to make a stipulation.” I told them that they could fight all they wanted to fight as long as I could choose the location for their Christ-less sparing. Here is how I said it:

I want you to climb Golgotha’s bloody hill, where the multitudes scorned our Savior, as the Father judged Him (Matthew 27:32-44). I want you to go to Calvary, the place where the crucified Son of God became a sin for both of you—the place where the Lord punished Christ for your sins (2 Corinthians 5:21).

Christ took this Christian couple’s sins by willingly giving up His life to the scorching judgment of His Father. His sacrifice gave them a free pass, so to speak: God would never judge them for their past, present, and future sins (John 8:36; Romans 8:1). I further appealed to them to position their bodies in such a way that the cross of Christ would be in their “virtual sight lines.” My hope was for them to get so close to the cross that the blood of the dying Lamb of God could “figuratively drop” on them as they persisted in their arguments. I added that it would benefit them to intentionally glance at that cross on occasion during their conflict so that while they were wounding each other, they could remember the wounded One, the person who took their transgressions (Isaiah 53:5).

I hoped that the wooden beam (Matthew 7:3-5) would become an impediment to their blows—that they would have to stretch around the cross before the other person could experience the intended marital pain. I wanted the cross to always be in their view, particularly when their anger toward each other escalated. As things stood, the cross was not preeminent in their thinking. Christ, at best, was on the periphery of their lives as they persisted in their argumentation. I wanted them to experience the historical fact of the dying Lamb of God visually and viscerally. I hoped God’s Spirit would burn the revelations about the gospel deep into their minds. I wanted them to be affected by the horrible realities of the cross of Christ.

Are You Dying Today?

• Perhaps you are tempted to sinful anger at your spouse, children, friends, or enemies. How does the cross of Christ influence your arguments?
• Does the cross of Christ change your frustration toward others?
• How easy (or difficult) is it for you to know the truths of the cross while holding on to unforgiveness?
• Does the cross steer you from judgmental, condemning thoughts toward those who have offended you?
• One of the most practical ways to reconcile with those who have hurt you is through the cross of Christ.
• How could we treat others in such a way that God would not treat us, as we consider that He has already meted punishment on His one and only Son for the sins that we have committed (John 3:16)?
• How could we hold judgment toward or hurt others when Christ refuses to hold judgment against or punish us? If the cross of Christ is not our motive for humble forgiveness, we will be like this battling couple.
• What is your motivation for forgiveness, whether it is attitudinal (Luke 23:34) or transactional (Matthew 6:14-15)? Is it the cross of Christ? A proper motive for forgiveness comes from a right understanding of Christ’s work on the cross.

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you (Ephesians 4:31-32).

Call to Action

1. What was Paul’s motive for letting all bitterness, wrath, and anger go?
2. What was his reason for forgiveness, kindness, and tenderheartedness toward another person? The answer is in this statement: “…as God in Christ forgave you.” Paul tied his motive for a right attitude toward others to the cross of Christ. Your motivation to forgive is because God has forgiven you.
3. If you are not a Christian, the first place to experience forgiveness is to ask God to forgive you, and He will adopt you into His family.
4. If you are a Christian, but the cross is not in your sight lines as you think about others, I appeal to you to work through the questions in this chapter.

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Rick Thomas

Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.

In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).