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Case Study: My husband is the absolute boss of our home. If I suggested anything to him, he would either yell or lecture me on how it was not my place to tell him what to do. Should I correct him or just let it go? The primary text that I would love for you to help me with is how to restore him in a spirit of gentleness.
Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ (Galatians 6:1-2).
There is an aspect of this question that applies to both spouses. At the heart of the issue is one spouse coming alongside another one to provide soul care. In this case study, it’s the submitted wife hoping to fulfill the fullest possibilities of a coequal hierarchy. Going and making disciples does not apply only to those who are outside our homes and need to hear the gospel’s message (Matthew 28:19-20). Disciple-making is a call for all Christians to care for each other within their spheres of influence, whether inside or outside our homes.
Spouses know their mates better than anyone else, and the longer you’re married, the more information and insight you have about your spouse. Smart marriage partners want to help each other, which is at the heart of disciple-making. Everyone benefits! To have a person to know you so well and be able to bring wise, loving, and corrective care into your life is sanctification gold. Some spouses do not have this understanding, or perhaps they do, but for inhibiting reasons, they do not bring soul care to each other. My hope for you is that it does not matter if you’re a husband or wife but that you can apply these ideas to your marriage.
As for correcting an authoritarian husband, which is what the case study is about, you want to begin with Galatians 6:1-2, as suggested. But there is a significant caveat: if he is an absolute boss husband, he will not listen to your advice or appreciate your care. Only a correctable spouse can be corrected, whether it’s a husband or wife. The correctable person is a humble, teachable person who wants to change, and he is appreciative that you speak into his life.
The authoritarian husband is a dictator, and those people types do not surround themselves with folks who disagree with them. The wife in a marriage like this is between a rock and a hard place. All of his other friends or relationships will either acquiesce to his domineering personality style or leave the relationship. Authoritarian types surround themselves with people who are not able to challenge the tight-fisted control that they wield.
In an ideal world, you should correct your husband when it’s needed. Regrettably, this type of spouse does not live in that world. She must be careful about bringing things to his attention. He has a distorted view of submission in the marriage, which makes him the absolute boss, and she’s in the role of the subjugated. Rather than seeing himself as a leader who disciples his family, he treats his wife as an unequal entity in the sight of God. Paul’s idea of nourishing and cherishing a wife (Ephesians 5:29) is an unknown tongue to this kind of man.
He does not have a proper biblical category for strengths and weaknesses or how his spouse could be his most significant asset in their marriage outside of God’s friendship and empowering favor (James 4:6). I have dealt with these insecure, unaware, arrogant, domineering authority types many times. It takes an enormous amount of patience, wisdom, courage, kindness, and community to turn them into men who love God and others as much as they love themselves (Matthew 22:36-40; Philippians 2:3-5). I’m not saying it can’t happen in this situation, but she must know where the starting line is, which is not his humble cooperativeness, or she may make what could have been avoidable mistakes.
This chapter is not about how to leave or if she should leave her authoritarian husband, which is another type of conversation that requires other questions and counselors. My aim here is to give you insight into a dictator’s heart, which will aid you in restoring him in a spirit of gentleness—the question being asked.
The text the case study referred to is Galatians 6:1-2, and it’s because of that text that I’m answering the question the way that I have. The case study does not offer a bailout but how God can use the wife to restore her husband in a spirit of gentleness. There may be another discussion at another time about staying or leaving, but that issue is not in view here. Paul says that the correction of your husband must be in a spirit of gentleness. If you’re not doing that, there is something you can change today. Some people take a spirit of gentleness too far.
For example, the empathetic restorer will feel sorry for her husband and even blame herself for why he does what he does. The sympathetic restorer will do hard things but not go to the other extreme by using sinful anger, harsh words, or a combative spirit. Sin has captured the husband in this case study. Sadly, most husbands like this don’t change unless God breaks them, which you should ask God to do. One of the hard things that I’m implying is you asking the Lord to bring him to a place of brokenness (Luke 15:17). Dismantling is an essential kindness that your husband could receive from the Lord, so asking the Father to do this for you and him would be an act of mercy and courage.
There are many more things that you must know to help your husband, but in this chapter, I want you to focus on two of them:
One of the most vital things you can do is see him as a prisoner to the chains of his making. You may have to take a different kind of decisive action later, but before you make decisions that are hard to walk back, make sure you’re talking to a competent mentor who understands you and your husband and dares to walk you through your marriage crisis. You should not feel any guilt for seeking help outside your marriage. If your husband is an authoritarian, as the case study suggests, then he has disqualified himself from discipling you, and you must submit yourself to your church authority as they guide you through the next steps.
If you’re a wife in this situation, be a careful wife who wants to explore all the options, which begins with your primary objective as your husband’s redemption—if needed—and then his restoration. You’re imitating the gospel in this matter: Christ came to the imprisoned to set them free. Your husband may be set free as you lead him to Jesus. Here are a few thoughts as you explore how to do that.
Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.
In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).