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Do You Think It’s Right to Correct My Authoritarian Husband?

Do You Think It’s Right to Correct My Authoritarian Husband

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No human has absolute authority over another. This perspective should be common sense, but it’s not for everyone, including Christians. A dictatorial husband and father can put wives and children in a difficult spot, which begs the question that folks have asked me for decades: “Do you think it’s right to correct my authoritarian husband?” This chapter will be instructive and directive for those in this type of relationship.

Life Over Coffee · Do You Think It’s rigth to Correct My Authoritarian Husband?

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Practical Marriage Wisdom

Case Study: My husband is the absolute boss of our home. If I suggested anything to him, he would either yell or lecture me on how it was not my place to tell him what to do. Should I correct him or just let it go? The primary text that I would love for you to help me with is how to restore him in a spirit of gentleness.
Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ 
(Galatians 6:1-2).

There is an aspect of this question that applies to both spouses. At the heart of the issue is one spouse coming alongside another one to provide soul care. In this case study, it’s the submitted wife hoping to fulfill the fullest possibilities of a coequal hierarchy. Going and making disciples does not apply only to those who are outside our homes and need to hear the gospel’s message (Matthew 28:19-20). Disciple-making is a call for all Christians to care for each other within their spheres of influence, whether inside or outside our homes.

Spouses know their mates better than anyone else, and the longer you’re married, the more information and insight you have about your spouse. Smart marriage partners want to help each other, which is at the heart of disciple-making. Everyone benefits! To have a person to know you so well and be able to bring wise, loving, and corrective care into your life is sanctification gold. Some spouses do not have this understanding, or perhaps they do, but for inhibiting reasons, they do not bring soul care to each other. My hope for you is that it does not matter if you’re a husband or wife but that you can apply these ideas to your marriage.

Dictators Dictate

As for correcting an authoritarian husband, which is what the case study is about, you want to begin with Galatians 6:1-2, as suggested. But there is a significant caveat: if he is an absolute boss husband, he will not listen to your advice or appreciate your care. Only a correctable spouse can be corrected, whether it’s a husband or wife. The correctable person is a humble, teachable person who wants to change, and he is appreciative that you speak into his life.

The authoritarian husband is a dictator, and those people types do not surround themselves with folks who disagree with them. The wife in a marriage like this is between a rock and a hard place. All of his other friends or relationships will either acquiesce to his domineering personality style or leave the relationship. Authoritarian types surround themselves with people who are not able to challenge the tight-fisted control that they wield.

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Correct With Caution

In an ideal world, you should correct your husband when it’s needed. Regrettably, this type of spouse does not live in that world. She must be careful about bringing things to his attention. He has a distorted view of submission in the marriage, which makes him the absolute boss, and she’s in the role of the subjugated. Rather than seeing himself as a leader who disciples his family, he treats his wife as an unequal entity in the sight of God. Paul’s idea of nourishing and cherishing a wife (Ephesians 5:29) is an unknown tongue to this kind of man.

He does not have a proper biblical category for strengths and weaknesses or how his spouse could be his most significant asset in their marriage outside of God’s friendship and empowering favor (James 4:6). I have dealt with these insecure, unaware, arrogant, domineering authority types many times. It takes an enormous amount of patience, wisdom, courage, kindness, and community to turn them into men who love God and others as much as they love themselves (Matthew 22:36-40; Philippians 2:3-5). I’m not saying it can’t happen in this situation, but she must know where the starting line is, which is not his humble cooperativeness, or she may make what could have been avoidable mistakes.

Diagnosing the Dictator

This chapter is not about how to leave or if she should leave her authoritarian husband, which is another type of conversation that requires other questions and counselors. My aim here is to give you insight into a dictator’s heart, which will aid you in restoring him in a spirit of gentleness—the question being asked.

  • Insecure: The number one problem with a self-reliant person is their vulnerability. A driving motivation for their self-sufficiency is that they are masking their fears and insecurities through outward faux-power. The dictator is a controller, and a controlling person cannot be out of control. They accomplish this illusion by maximizing their strengths while squashing anything or anyone that penetrates their vulnerability force field. They are weaker than you might imagine.
  • Unaware: Because the self-sufficient controller is managing all aspects of his life, there are things he cannot perceive. He’s too stubborn and blind to admit that he might be wrong. He’s too proud to ask for help. His modus operandi is to maintain an image of authority and power, which means humble admissions of his inadequacy or ignorance are impossible. He presents his carefully edited image to others, which is a manicured, likable reputation that masks his rogue authoritarianism. However, behind the curtain, he’s a weak human being.
  • Arrogant: His image-making perpetuates the myth of self-importance, which is an elixir that intoxicates him into feeling good about himself. Egotistical self-importance stems from insecurity and fear. He creates a world that he can control, which makes him feel good about himself. He leverages his strengths to attain self-important status, and he permits nobody to bring him down or expose his insecurities, including his wife.
  • Blindness: If you perpetuate a lie long enough, it will no longer be a lie to you. This person is blind to his blindness, which is the worst possible state of the wayward soul. I trust as you read these things that the Lord will give you pity for a husband like this. For reasons that predate you, there has been a strong desire for him to construct a kingdom where he has always wanted to reign. The blindness of his passion has fully captured his soul.
  • Domineering: The behavior that you feel and disdain in your husband is his dominance. It’s worse as you think about how he is affecting the children. It’s at this juncture where a wife senses her most significant tension. On the one hand, she loves (or used to love) her husband, and on the other hand, she is the protective mother who wants to rescue her children.

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Gentle Correction

The text the case study referred to is Galatians 6:1-2, and it’s because of that text that I’m answering the question the way that I have. The case study does not offer a bailout but how God can use the wife to restore her husband in a spirit of gentleness. There may be another discussion at another time about staying or leaving, but that issue is not in view here. Paul says that the correction of your husband must be in a spirit of gentleness. If you’re not doing that, there is something you can change today. Some people take a spirit of gentleness too far.

For example, the empathetic restorer will feel sorry for her husband and even blame herself for why he does what he does. The sympathetic restorer will do hard things but not go to the other extreme by using sinful anger, harsh words, or a combative spirit. Sin has captured the husband in this case study. Sadly, most husbands like this don’t change unless God breaks them, which you should ask God to do. One of the hard things that I’m implying is you asking the Lord to bring him to a place of brokenness (Luke 15:17). Dismantling is an essential kindness that your husband could receive from the Lord, so asking the Father to do this for you and him would be an act of mercy and courage.

Taking Decisive Action

There are many more things that you must know to help your husband, but in this chapter, I want you to focus on two of them:

  • Find your starting point by discerning some of the idolatries in his heart that are motivating him to be as he is. For example, reputation, power, fame, approval, and significance can be some of the idols he worships.
  • Guard your heart as you seek those civil moments where you can speak to him, hoping to help him change.

One of the most vital things you can do is see him as a prisoner to the chains of his making. You may have to take a different kind of decisive action later, but before you make decisions that are hard to walk back, make sure you’re talking to a competent mentor who understands you and your husband and dares to walk you through your marriage crisis. You should not feel any guilt for seeking help outside your marriage. If your husband is an authoritarian, as the case study suggests, then he has disqualified himself from discipling you, and you must submit yourself to your church authority as they guide you through the next steps.

Call to Action

If you’re a wife in this situation, be a careful wife who wants to explore all the options, which begins with your primary objective as your husband’s redemption—if needed—and then his restoration. You’re imitating the gospel in this matter: Christ came to the imprisoned to set them free. Your husband may be set free as you lead him to Jesus. Here are a few thoughts as you explore how to do that.

  1. Describe your prayer life, specifically as it relates to your husband. In what ways do you express gratitude for him? What are a few ways in which he is leading well? (Read 1 Corinthians 1:1-9.)
  2. Have you crossed the line and are now more of a grumbler, complainer, or gossiper about your husband? If you have transgressed that line, what is your plan for change?
  3. Who are you going to enlist to help you change?
  4. Talk about what gentle correction looks like in the verse for this case study—Galatians 6:1-2. Would your children characterize you as a person who corrects their daddy with a spirit of gentleness? If not, why not, and what is your plan to change?
  5. Are you asking God to break him—to dismantle him?
  6. The sympathetic person wants the captured soul to experience freedom. Sometimes, that liberty comes by dramatically breaking the bonds that have bound and incarcerated him. It does not have to happen this way, but it may be what needs to happen. How have your fears hindered you from bringing comprehensive—including courageous—care to him?
  7. How have his authoritarian and persuasive ways trained you to over-guilt yourself to where you believe that his sinfulness is your sin? This condition can cloud your thinking, which is why you want a sympathetic friend to walk with you through this.

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