Ten Ways to Kill Your Marriage

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Marriage counseling has historically been the most common type of counseling I have done, which makes sense because the marriage relationship is unique in that there is not supposed to be an escape clause. Marriage is for life. This fact makes marriage the perfect context for relationship sharpening. There are times when counseling is essential because of the fallenness of the couple and the need for community. If your marriage is bad, you more than likely are doing some of the following things. These are some of the most oft-repeated mistakes I have seen in poor marriages.

You may want to read:

• 31-Day Marriage Devotion
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• The Most Blessed Relationship Two People Can Have

How to Kill a Marriage

I have written them satirically. A gentleman read this list a few years ago and wrote to me saying that he had committed all of these things in his former marriage. He wrote me in tears. This list is in no particular order. If any of these bad practices characterize your marriage, be hopeful: I have ten tips that can help you have a wonderful marriage at the end. I have also added some helpful diagnostic questions in the final section to help you and your spouse become the couple you desire to be.

1. Always Have the Last Word: I know James talked about being quick to listen and slow to speak, but if you want to win your sparring match with your spouse, you must have the last word (James 1:19). One of the most effective ways to accomplish this is to not listen to your spouse. What you do while she is talking is start formulating what you want to say next. You let her wax on while you’re figuring out how to outmaneuver her droning. If she likes to talk a lot and if you’re a little slow on the uptake, you will have more time to come back at her once she stops chattering.
2. Get Her With a Cheap Shot: Corrupting speech, like criticism and sarcasm, is effective here. This sin habit is counter to Paul’s appeal in Ephesians 4:29 to build up the other person with your words, but we’re talking about winning. Don’t let humility or gospel-centered posturing get in the way here. Sarcasm literally means to cut the flesh. It’s like a meat cutter who cuts away non-valued parts. When you use sarcasm on your spouse, it’s a way to devalue her. No doubt this will put her in her place as you get a leg up on the marriage communication competition.
3. Twist Her Words to Tie Her Up: This tip is for the more advanced competitor. Twisting up your wife requires a certain amount of mental agility, but if she is truly the weaker vessel and you’re any man at all, you should be able to win this battle of words, too. One of the keys here is to harden your conscience (Hebrews 3:7-8). Perchance, the Spirit of God tries to illuminate or convince you to change, you can go into rationalization or excuse mode. This reaction to Him will effectively mute your inner voice (Romans 2:14-15). A little self-deception goes a long way.
4. Push the “It’s Not My Job” Worldview: A man’s work is outside the home, and a woman’s job is inside the home. Make this Scripture-twisting agenda your own by being the comatose husband while at home. Grab the remote and surf the 900+ channels, or bury yourself in the Internet. You can also guilt-trip her by making a few well-placed criticisms about how she keeps the house. The home is your castle, and she’s the keeper of it. Most women want to please their husbands, so if you keep the carrot dangled in front of her, she will always be trying hard to please you.
5. Never Be Wrong: Admitting your mistakes is a weakness. Though John wants you to confess your sins (1 John 1:7-10), the proud man never has sins to confess. This posture will require more self-deception on your part, but if you have any game at all, you can pull this off (Hebrews 4:7). Justification is your best friend. To justify is to declare yourself not guilty. Of course, you know only the Lord can justify you, but we’re talking about winning, right? If you continually declare yourself not guilty, your wife will soon get the message and give up trying to convince you of anything. You will win, and she will be sufficiently defeated.

Okay, ladies. Here are a few tips to get the ball rolling on your side. With a little practice, you could be a primary source of discouragement to your husband. By the way, the previous five tips can work for you, too.

6. Withhold Encouragement: Paul talked about how kindness is the ingredient the Lord uses to motivate a person to change (Romans 2:4). To be kind is to build up. It’s a way to motivate by grace. Always looking for evidence of God’s kindness in your husband is what I’m talking about. Don’t do that. If you withhold encouragement, he will become demoralized. This attitude is what I call the “whupped pup” syndrome. If you’re not kind to him, he will begin to shut down. Your once strong and confident guy will fold like cheap laundry.
7. Nag Him to Death: The last tip was about withholding something. This tip is about giving him something. Become the dripping faucet Solomon talked about in Proverbs 27:15. Your critical words will be like little sharp daggers in his heart—death by a thousand paper cuts. Eventually, he will give up. To withhold encouragement while being critical of him is the perfect one-two punch that will end in a knockout every time. You will quickly have him waving the white flag—unless he starts seeking encouragement from someone else.
8. Be Over-Sensitive: The key to this tip is to put him on eggshells, a counterintuitive move: The way to win is to be weak. It’s kind of like the Bible (2 Corinthians 4:7). But if you pervert the fragile vase Peter talked about (1 Peter 3:7) by being emotional and irrational, he may acquiesce and give up on the marriage. You will have him so paranoid that he’ll be afraid to say or do anything. Keep him guessing with your emotional rollercoaster. He’ll never know how you will respond. At that point, you will own him.
9. Over-Commit So You’re Always Tired: Over-scheduling your life will kill any marriage. Your goal is to always be on the go. Be busy during the day and tired at night. This lifestyle will motivate him to find other things to do. Just pray the other things are not another woman or porn. If you have children, this will be easy for you. Get them signed up for as many extra-curricular activities as possible. Kill marriage time and crank up the van. Worship the sports gods. The key here is to be busy and tired.
10. Bring Up Past Wrongs: Never let go of the past. You will not have to worry about his current blunders if you keep parading his past in front of him. If you both had sex before marriage, for example, it’s a done deal. He will never be able to overcome that mistake. God has wired him to be a leader. The more you remind him of his failures, the more you will be able to eviscerate what the Lord has put into him. Eventually, he will lose heart and accept your assessment: he is a loser.

Thoughts On Losing

Jesus was a loser, according to many people. Even His closest friends were tripped up by His leadership style (Mark 8:32). It got so bad that at the end of His life, they all left Him (Matthew 26:56). They could not accept losing as the path to winning. After all His teaching, they still did not understand the backwardness of the gospel (1 Corinthians 1:18-25).

But many who are first will be last, and the last first (Matthew 19:30). So the last will be first, and the first last (Matthew 20:16). They did not want to be last, and they did not want to lose. They were like us: winning was all that mattered, even if someone had to cut off a person’s ear to secure the victory (John 18:10). To grab a towel and basin of water was beneath them (John 13:1-17). To give their life in exchange for someone else was a bridge too far for their selfish minds to grasp (John 15:13; Mark 10:45; Ephesians 5:25). They were myopic in their vision of God’s plan for others (Hebrews 12:2). Winning was winning and losing was losing, but from a Christian worldview, losing is winning.

If you can’t embrace losing, as in being second in your marriage, you will be the biggest loser of all (Ephesians 5:12). Not only will you go down swinging, but you will take your marriage down with you. To win at all costs creates an unbiblical competition between two people. This spirit of competitiveness can be at its most acute within the marriage covenant. When a couple becomes more like competitors, the marriage is lost. When winning or losing are the most important things in the relationship, the marriage is fast-tracking toward dysfunction. If any of the ten previous tips describe you, I appeal for you to change. You will not win at marriage or any other relationship if you refuse to humble yourself by taking on the counterintuitive life of Jesus. This warning is why I’m leaving you with ten positive tips, plus a few assessment questions to discuss with your spouse. If you can’t discuss these things without getting into an argument, please find help now.

1. Seek to Listen, Not Speak
   1. How actively do you listen?
   2. Is your goal to help your spouse be clear or get your points made? Please explain.
   3. Do you know how to draw out your spouse so they can be a more effective communicator?
2. Uplift With Your Words
   1. Would your spouse characterize you as an encourager? Why or why not?
   2. Do you actively seek to find ways to say “thank you” to your spouse?
   3. Are you regularly thanking God for your spouse? If not, why not?
3. Give Her Space and Grace to Speak
   1. Do you create contexts of grace that free your spouse to express all her thoughts?
   2. Do you give your spouse room to make communication mistakes because it’s not about saying it perfectly? It’s about understanding each other.
   3. Are you regularly thinking about your spouse, seeking to understand her more effectively? What does that look like in your marriage?
4. Your Job Continues After You Arrive Home
   1. Do you proactively plan time with your spouse?
   2. Are you regularly asking your spouse how you can be a more effective servant?
   3. How do you need to change in these areas?
5. You Are Not Entirely Sanctified
   1. Do you have a biblical self-suspicion about yourself?
   2. Are you quicker to admit your wrongs than your spouse’s wrongs? Please explain.
   3. What is it about you that makes it hard to confess your sins to your spouse?
6. The Kindness of God Leads to Change
   1. Is it impossible for you to keep from saying kind things to your spouse?
   2. What does your spouse receive the most from you: your displeasure or your encouragement?
   3. What needs to change regarding your spousal communication?
7. Contentment Is a Beautiful Jewel
   1. How does your spouse experience your discontentment? How do you need to change?
   2. Do you regularly identify your grumbling and biblically repent of it? If not, why not?
   3. In what ways has your spouse become an idol?
8. God Is Your Strength
   1. How does the grace of God help you take every thought captive? See 2 Corinthians 10:3-6.
   2. In what ways are you over-sensitive, and how does that speak to the idols of your heart?
   3. What do you fear regarding your marriage, or what are you afraid of in your marriage?
9. Calendar Planning Is a Stewardship Issue
   1. How do you need to change your calendar to change your marriage?
   2. Does your spouse get your best time or your leftover time?
   3. How do you both need to change to make each other a “calendar time” priority?
10. The Gospel Neutralizes All Sin
    1. Are there past sins you both have not resolved? If not, why not?
    2. If past sins are neutralized by and delivered to God, do you still bring them up for marital review in a punitive way? Why?
    3. How does your self-righteousness play out in your marriage? Self-righteousness is a greater than/better than attitude.

Please talk to your spouse about these things. If that is impossible at this time, will you appeal to your local church leaders to discuss your marriage?

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Rick Thomas

Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.

In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).