Ep. 279 The Problem of Blaming Men for Relationship Problems

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Shows Main Idea – There are always two guilty people in any relationship problem. One could be “more guilty” than the other, but neither of them operated flawlessly during their relationship. If you’re not honest about what happened between them, you will not have a chance for proper reconciliation.

Show Notes

You may want to read:

• The Destructive Force of Empathy and Why You Need To Know
• How To Care for the Professional Victim
• The Difference between Worldly Sorrow and Godly Sorrow
• How To Help a Person Get Right with God

A Few Problems

• Overreacting – The person hears a one-sided story and immerses themselves inside the story without taking a step back to look inside the problems from a macro perspective, which positions them to bring more thoughtful help.
• Discernment – We may not have the discernment to sniff out the truth when two people are saying different things about what happened.
• Un-Certified – Another complication is that anyone who perseveres through a biblical counseling curriculum receives certification, which most people upload as competent to counsel complex cases, which is not accurate.
• Courage – This discipler is afraid to say what they are thinking. Rather than leading the hurting soul, they succumb to the story, even if it does not square with the truth of God’s Word.

History of Abuse

• True: Abusive men
• True: Women are victims
• False: All women are victims (The worst cases of this are the toxic attitudes these victims have toward men, church, counseling, and counselors.)
• False: All men are guilty (The worst cases are angry men who are cynical about God, church, Bible, Christians, and counselors.)

(I speak in hyperbole “all women” and “all men,” but there is no question that the pendulum has over swung to where there are too much men-blaming and women-victimizing.)

Better Questions

• What happened?
• Who did what?
• Who needs to change?
• What is the process for change?

Guard Against

• One-sided stories
• One innocent and one guilty
• Confusing sympathy with empathy

Call to Action

1. Regardless of the need of the person in front of you, are you more apt to show empathy or sympathy? Explain your answer.
2. Describe when you heard one side of the story and reacted poorly, as you discovered after learning the rest of the matter. What correctives have you put into place to keep from doing this again?
3. Do you consider yourself a counselor with the competence to walk a couple through an abusive situation? If so, do you have a history of doing this? Do others affirm that God has given you this skillset?
4. What fears, worries, and anxieties come to mind when thinking about counseling these complex cases? If these things do come to mind, what does it say about your level of gifting?
5. Do you believe you have the presence of skill needed to help these complex cases but not the perfection of it yet? If so, what is your plan to grow into the fullest measure of your gifting?

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Rick Thomas

Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.

In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).