Ep. 414 Must a Wife Have Sex with Her Husband So He Won’t Stray?

Shows Main Idea – There is one-sided and perverse teaching that some Christians have pushed forward that wives should make themselves available for their husbands to keep them in the home, not looking for sex elsewhere. This perspective presumes the wife becomes the solution to a husband’s sexual desires and drive, plus the deterrent for extra-marital activity. Is this the proper way for a Christian woman to think about and respond to her husband?

Show Notes

You may want to read:

• Should a Wife Be Intimate If She Doesn’t Want to Be?
• How Can an Aging Wife Compete with Cyber-Women?
• Why Men Struggle with Sexual Temptation

• Be sure to listen to the accompanying podcast on this subject to gain a fuller perspective.

Attractive

Should a wife do what she can to be attractive, spiritually and physically?

• Yes
• Yes

Caveat: The problem with trying to “be attractive” is that it is a subjective pursuit that usually has unhelpful (even unbiblical) cultural influences.

The better question is whether she should take care of herself as a steward of the grace of God given to her.

Men and women should work hard to take care of their bodies and souls.

You don’t want to overvalue or misunderstand beauty because of cultural influences, and you don’t want to under-appreciate who you are and how God made you. —Rick Thomas

Fear and insecurity are two of the most significant drivers of our motivations when it comes to physical appearance. Read this on that.

Twisted

The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.

Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control (1 Corinthians 7:3-5).

Some people have twisted and taught 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 to mean that a wife’s body belongs to her husband, and he can use it as he sees fit for self-centered purposes. Thus, if he wants her to be sexy, she must work to give him what he wants.

There are two sides here:

• We are sexual creatures, and we should not deprive one another but enjoy each other.
• If we demand a spouse be a certain way to satisfy sinful cravings or if we choose to find sexual fulfillment outside of marriage, we’re sinning.

Urges

Some people assert that a man cannot control his urges, which levels part of the blame for his sexual appetite on his wife’s lack of fulfilling it. (cf. Ecclesiastes 1:8)

But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death (James 1:14-15).

Beware

• Beware of gaslighting.
• Beware of competing with cultural norms or cyberspace ladies.

The beauty and expectation of biblical intimacy is the spiritual, physical reciprocation between a husband and wife.

Examine

If the husband has bought into or teaches a defiled understanding of intimacy, you have to find help to sort things out.

• Is he a Christian?
• What have been the shaping influences in his life?
• What is the condition of his conscience—dull, hard?
• Is he sexually active outside the marriage bond, e.g., porn? How do you know?

Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ (Galatians 6:1-2).

Many (if not most) men have never received training on biblical intimacy for couples. They did not come from reciprocating, romantic homes where they observed their parents love each other the right way.

The tutors for most of today’s kids are social media—peer-to-peer indoctrination on all things sex.

Call to Action

If your husband has warped views and practices about sex and sexuality, guard your heart against looking down on him. You must not complicate a caught person by reacting sinfully to him.

1. You start by praying for your husband.
2. You pity him because he is caught.
3. You ask God to give you affection for him as a fellow image-bearer.
4. You ensure you have clarity on what biblical intimacy is and is not.
5. Appeal to him to learn with you.
6. Appeal to him to change, and you help him.
7. Seek help, especially if he is unwilling to learn and change.

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Rick Thomas

Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.

In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).