Ep. 418 Five Common Mistakes Abuse Counselors Make

Shows Main Idea – There are some issues where it creates emotional tension if you speak honestly and transparently from two contrary perspectives. We tend to be on one side or the other. Fair and balanced becomes lost with some of our causes. Sometimes we don’t want to cede any aspect of our talking point out of fear: “If we admit their argument has valid elements, we lose ground on our perspective.” Other times folks will overcorrect because of past injustices, i.e., the reparation effect. Regardless of the reasons, we must work at being fair about our problems, and there are few things more vital for this kind of scrutiny than talking about abuse.

Show Notes

You may want to read:

• Thinking Yourself As a Victim Is One of the Worst Things You Can Do
• The Abuse of Abuse Is Complicating Legitimate Abuse
• Abuse Is Not the Best Way to Talk about the Problem with Abuse
• Ten-Point Checklist When Abuse Happens

Abuse Experience

I have written many articles on abuse and counseled scores of abused people during the past twenty-five years. I also come from several abusive situations. My father was an abusive alcoholic. I was part of Sovereign Grace Ministries, working alongside an abusive pastor. My early Christian experience was with a heavy-handed, fundamentalist, authoritarian culture. As many of you know, two of my brothers were murdered ten years apart.

Through my personal experience, academic training, and counseling experience, I have observed an overcorrection in the abuse culture that is alarming, and it will not end well if we continue to teach and counsel abuse the way we have, assuming unity in the church and healing in lives and families are the goals. Thankfully, many Christians are helping victims and envisioning the church exceptionally well. However, there is a sub-culture within Christiandom that is not doing well, and some of those folks are abuse counselors, authors, and teachers.

I will address five of the more common mistakes that I have seen among this group. As I talk about these things, there is nothing I will say here that means, implies, or suggest that abuse is not real. It is real. It happens every day. It’s devastating to too many souls. However, part of the solution is not negating how our soul care training and counseling are, in part, inadequate. We must deal with these things fairly, thoroughly, courageously, and compassionately.

Hyperbole and Overreach

There are times in a sincere desire, we can overreach so that we distort the truth. Concern and emotion may override the heart when we want to make a difference in a person’s life.

“This is a sad reality when it is believed that domestic violence is just as prevalent within the church as the culture at large.” – Abuse Author

• Christian men are the number one demographic leading their families most effectively.
• Nominal Christians are the worst of all demographics regarding toxic masculinity.
• Wayne Grudem has new information about 1 Corinthians 7.
• Chris Moles admitted his eisegetical use of 1 Corinthians 7.
• I recently did a podcast about a counseling ministry “reading into Scripture.”

Descriptive Psychology

Hurting people need more than our understanding. Though we must enter their story to know what they know, we must also move the story God is writing to a redemptive conclusion.

• Descriptive psychology is a person who describes a problem, in part to demonstrate to the victim that he understands what is happening.
• We must understand the problem and communicate to victims that we understand.
• Sadly, too many victims settle for understanding them more than helping them get out of the rut of victimness.
• We must move their story from victim to victor.
• There could be an aspect of gaslighting in that you amp up their emotions by revisiting and re-affirming what they already know. It reinforces their victimness.

Broadening the Category

Part of our “over-caring problem” is that we call everything abuse, which opens the door to an abuse claim when there is a better way to think about what is happening while bringing more effective solutions.

When we broaden the category of abuse, anyone/everyone can fit within the category.

“If the heart of the matter is pride that seeks to control we should expect a considerable amount of resistance as abusive men attempt to maintain control by hiding information that may produce additional scrutiny, consequences, guilt, or added embarrassment. In addition, we can expect men to work hard at protecting their image.” – Abuse Author

“Intimidation may include behaviors such as certain looks, action or gestures designed to make the victim afraid.” – Abuse Author

Weaponizing the Victims

If we don’t move beyond understanding and carefully categorize abuse, we can unwittingly weaponize victims, blinding them to morally sanitizing all their words and deeds.

“The dark side of victimology is how it moralizes power. Victimology takes the truth, that it is wrong for people to be victimized, and distorts it by going a step further. Victimology asserts that victims are inherently good because they have been victimized. It robs victims of their moral agency and creates double standards that frustrate any attempt to criticize their behavior even if they are behaving in self-destructive, antisocial ways. Such reasoning is obviously faulty. It purifies victims of all badness, and it insists that pure victim goodness can only result in more good things, never bad ones. Such a view is obviously wrong, but by appealing to emotion, victimology overrides reason and logic.” – Michael Shellenberger from San-Fransicko

Part of the weaponization is that we reinforce and affirm their victim identity. You’ll hear this as they talk about themselves as survivors. It’s an identity issue similar to AA—once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.

Cause and Contribute

Some counselors conflate cause and contribute, rather than separating them and dealing with them alone and on their merit. Victims never cause abuse, but are we teaching them how they might contribute?

“In fact, as I have talked with pastors and biblical counselors, many have, in so many words, articulated a belief that the victim has contributed to or caused the abuse.” – Abuse Author

Call to Action

1. Read the content linked in these Show Notes.
2. Clear up the abuse category by using biblical terminology, i.e., sin.
3. Recognize that abusers have a history. You want to stop the abuse, but just as you want to understand and help victims, abusers did not “just become abusers.” They have a history, shaping influences, habituations, bad choices, etc. Yes, we confront, but we also restore caught souls.
4. Have better training than a “certified biblical counselor.” There is gifting necessary to help victims of abuse, and getting a certification is the shallow end of the pool. Abuse counselors need much more than that.
5. Ask God to give you the courage to speak honestly about all the problems.
6. Supporting members can watch my multi-hour video oral review of a popular book on abuse.

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Rick Thomas

Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.

In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).