0
0
Photo: ©Odua Images via Canva.com
You may want to read:
Someone asked how you help a passive husband take the leadership role in the marriage. This problem has many angles, and the straightforward impulse is to admonish him, letting him know how he must “get over himself.” Perhaps that is appropriate in some situations, but in this episode, I want to address it with more sophistication and nuance. I’ll begin by sharing two specific personality types in Biff and Mable’s marriage. Biff is the insecure husband, and Mable is a secure wife. Let me paint the scenario.
Biff grew up in an unstructured, non-nurturing environment. His childhood home life was dysfunctional, though that is an understated way of describing what happened to him during those years. It was also not a Christian environment, so he did not have Christian moorings. Fear had chained Biff, keeping him from the anchoring of God (Proverbs 29:25; Romans 8:31). He never became comfortable in his own skin. He masked his inward fears with outward strengths—iterating a self-reliant mindset, so if you knew him from a distance, you would think he was “an okay dude.” Of course, he kept folks at arm’s length so nobody could get up in his business. He was relationally functional in the public domain but not relationally close to or known by anyone. People liked Biff, and he could perform well at his jobs because he always worked within his strengths, which fed his people-pleasing personality. Nobody ever perceived how insecure he was. Nobody ever really knew him.
Mable did not grow up this way. God gifted her with a different personality type; she was socially active, relationally competent, and comfortable in her own skin. To make matters even better, she was reared in a loving environment, so she never had to strive to be liked, loved, or accepted by others. Her parents raised her how a child should live—a normal childhood. She meets her future husband (insecure Biff), and he’s funny, charming, dynamic (working within his strengths), and handsome enough to be marriage material. Dating was perfect for Biff because of the daily reboot, never having to reveal his whole self because they did not live together.
Biff did not factor in the “two sinners in a box” worldview that came with marriage, where he could not keep Mable at arm’s length. She was not only up in his bubble, but Biff had no exit strategy—creating unwanted relational tension. He felt exposed. Vulnerable. It didn’t help that she was so different from him, i.e., active, social, and outgoing. Biff compares himself to her and realizes he cannot do what she did or be like her (2 Corinthians 10:12). He is intimidated by her.
She is engaging, flexible, social, free, exploring, and enjoying life. He is inward, rigid, distant, measured, cautious, and cynical. Biff wants to impress Mable but feels inadequate. He becomes more reclusive—the path to least resistance, keeping him from vulnerability, exposure, and reality. Biff becomes more passive when challenged; he shuts down. Mable expects him to step up. He gravitates to his old self (Ephesians 4:22), those habits that brought him this far. Mable gravitates to hers. They are opposites.
Mable does not perceive the kind of person he has always been; to make matters worse, she becomes critical of his passivity. She lets him know in different ways about her disappointment in him, exacerbating the alienation he already senses in his soul. To complicate matters, Biff turns to bad habits to make himself feel better, intensifying his bondage while his wife fuels the inward war in his mind (2 Corinthians 10:3-6; James 1:5-8, 4:1-2). I’m not blaming his actions on her, but I trust you can see how this analysis examines how two people can work against each other while never realizing they are so close but far from restoration.
The first thing Mable must do is recognize what is happening to Biff. Though she won’t take the blame for how he is, she must understand that his longstanding shaping influences do not adapt to her experience, expectations, or personality. Mable will have to ask herself what it means to adopt the mind of Christ by counting her entrapped husband as more significant than her, hoping to be part of God’s restoration team (Philippians 2:3-4; Galatians 6:1-3). If she determines to be Jesus to him, she can implement these six things in her marriage.
Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.
In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).