Torment Is Trying to Be Perfect

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Have you ever tried to be perfect? Is it hard for you to let others know you messed up? Are you tempted to present yourself in ways that are not exactly true to who you are? Maybe when you think about others learning the real truth about you, it strikes momentary fear in your heart. Suppose your spouse brought a friend home unannounced. Does it matter what your home looks like at that moment?

You may want to read:

• Eight Reasons Perfection Does Not Glorify God
• Four Reasons to Praise God For Your Imperfections
• The Danger of Trying to Please God and Gain His Favor

Perfectionism’s Struggle

If you answered yes to my questions, you might struggle with perfectionism. Here is a more important question: Can you embrace the Bible’s testimony that you are imperfect and all that being imperfect implies? Striving to be perfect is a problem, but what makes it worse is that it’s not an isolated issue. Like all our sin problems, the perfectionist collects other bad habits that attach themselves to this core heart problem. Here are six possibilities.

• A Form of Lying: Whenever a person tries to be something they are not, deceit is happening. The so-called perfectionist is not real with himself or with other people that he wants to impress.
• Worship Dysfunction: Rather than finding his identity in Christ’s perfection, he hopes others will accept him for his accomplishments. Financial status, well-performing children, and a good reputation are some of the self-worship idols he erects.
• Self-Deception: As he continues down this unattainable path, his thinking begins to harden his conscience, which creates a separation between where he is and the power of the cross that could change him. Any sin held onto will deaden the conscience.
• Lack of Integrity: His character becomes tarnished by his unsavory loyalty to himself. Nobody could trust him ultimately because of his willingness to deceive people, even though it might not be an overt intention to be deceptive.
• Insecurity: The perfectionist will always be insecure around those he wants to gain acceptance. He is only secure when the individuals he wants to please accept him. A person like this will have ongoing frustration and disappointment in his life.
• Secret Sins: One of the side-effects of striving perfectionists is the need to find relief from the stress of the pursuit of perfectionism. It is not unusual for them to find pseudo-alleviation through secret lusts like sexual problems, overeating, or anger patterns.

What Does It Mean?

The so-called perfectionist is a slave to an illusionary idea. He may be a believer, but he does not know what full freedom in Christ means experientially. He will always fall short of perfectionism as well as the freedom that Christ has called him to enjoy. The bottom line for the wannabe perfectionist is his unwillingness to trust God. His striving for perfection is a loud commentary on how he thinks about God. Rather than finding acceptance (and rest) through the finished work of Christ, he continues to strive for the perfection that only Christ can deliver. This tension puts him in a tug-of-war with God. It is as though the Lord is saying,

I fully forgive you for all of your past, present, and future sins. I give you my Son’s perfect righteousness. I do not see you as a sinner but as a righteous child. Please enter into my rest.

The perfectionist says,

I affirm in my mind what you are saying, but it is still important that others think a certain way about me. To satisfy this craving, I have to control certain situations. I cannot let them know the real me, which is why I try to perpetuate a slightly altered image.

Solution

The perfectionist needs to repent, but that creates a problem. For him to repent, he will have to let others know that he is not perfect. He will have to let some of his friends in on the charade. Being transparent and honest is nearly impossible for a proud perfectionist.

Path Forward

If you struggle with perfectionistic tendencies, find someone you trust and who is competent enough to walk you through this problem. You will have to spill the beans. You’ve got to let someone know you are a sinner-in-hiding. Transparency will be hard for you because you crave their approval and fear anything that smacks of criticism. In addition, you must come to terms with the gospel. The gospel means many things, but there is one thing for certain: you are perfectly perfect in Christ. There is not one iota of any amount of work that you can do to make yourself more acceptable to God. The truths of the gospel must be your truths—practically speaking. You must own them today and every day from this point forward while repenting of this illusionary notion that you need the approval of others.

A Note for Those Working with Perfectionists: You must humbly love, care for, and serve them because they are in bondage to the gods of approval, respect, honor, significance, and acceptance. You must know and understand their sinful tendencies and be able to come alongside them in a non-condemnatory way. They do not fully trust God (or you) at this point. I’m not necessarily speaking of their regeneration but their post-salvation experience with God, also called progressive sanctification. They need to lean on your faith as you carefully and gently show them the way to God.

Prayer

Dear Father,

I am not perfect, and I can never be perfect. I need a perfect Savior. I have been born again by the power of the gospel. I am regenerated. Today, I am adopted by and positioned in Christ. When you see me, you see your Son in me. Father, I pray you will break the bondage that has trapped my soul. It haunts me and teaches me that I need to perform for others to be accepted by them. I can never adequately serve others if I live as though I need them. I want to serve them properly, not be controlled by my perception of their opinions of me.

Though I am not an overt hypocrite, there are certain individuals and situations where I want to impress or be impressive. When I do this, I obscure the work of the Savior in me. Help me to rest in this singular truth: I am perfect in Him, and I do not need to perform for others. Make this prayer practically real to me, Father. Change me from the inside out. Transform me by the power of the gospel. May that which saved me also sanctify me. Help me to be satisfied with you alone.

Thank you.
Amen

Call to Action

1. Will you talk to a friend about any perfectionistic struggles you may have? Perhaps sharing this chapter will help both of you enter into a heart-transforming, friendship-deepening discussion.

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Rick Thomas

Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.

In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).