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In This Series
He hurts, crushes, and destroys my hope at every turn. I’m dying a slow soul death, drowning in hopelessness and negativity. I intensely, desperately want to escape this prison of pain, fear, insecurity, loneliness, and there is a lack of intimacy that holds me captive.
Simultaneously, I feel a sense of extreme pity and sorrow for this hollow shell of a man, and I realize I must extend to him the same kindness, love, mercy, and forgiveness the Lord has shown me, even when I have been at my worst.
These counseling situations weigh heavy on a counselor’s soul. God may or may not grant repentance for the husband (2 Timothy 2:25), and the local church is often unable or ill-equipped to engage him or minister to his soul. She has no shepherd. How can the gospel soften and transform this problematic situation? (See Titus 3:4-6, Romans 2:4, Colossians 3:12, Ephesians 4:30-32, Galatians 5:6.) To help organize your thoughts, I have two mind maps:
Although each story differs, I have observed four fundamental themes providing context for this all-too-common marriage dynamic. (This discussion assumes that the husband and wife are both Christians.) The gospel is shining brighter in the woman than in her spouse. God has opened her spiritual eyes, and her grasp of the gospel and desire to follow Christ is greater than that of her husband. Her in-Christ identity drifts. Healthy wishes of love and marriage often elevate to idolatrous levels, and over time, these controlling desires commingle with the wife’s identity. The health of her soul becomes dependent on the health of her marriage.
God’s design is for the husband to care for the wife’s soul, but the headwaters of soul care is not always Christ. The husband is gospel-immature and will turn to passive or aggressive self-reliant responses as he reacts to the fallenness in his life. When passive, he shrinks back from his God-given responsibilities through withdrawal or blame-shifting. He occupies his time with distracting activities such as sports, career, or video games. Other times, he takes an aggressive approach in an attempt to restore his internal peace by regaining control through anger and manipulation.
Steps to isolate his wife also come into play. He may use the trappings of legalism to gain control, evoking shame and fear through scripture passages like Ephesians 5:22. Some husbands become master manipulators. The wife and the husband have a history of poor soul care predating marriage. There are additional negative consequences of not being raised by godly fathers (Ephesians 6:4). The wife’s father, coupled with past opposite-sex relationships, did not minister to her soul, which often elevates her desires for male love and affection to idolatrous levels. The husband’s father did not provide a good model of soul care to his wife, leaving the son to learn from the world’s teaching. He may know how to provide for her physically, but not spiritually.
The gospel can improve the situation, but you must understand change first. Our Adamic natures are potentially unchangeable. The Holy Spirit can transform hearts, but we are all works in progress, and fleshly temptations linger. Often, sanctification is slow. The primary goal must not be to change the husband’s behaviors; it must be personal growth in worship and service, which leads to a restful soul. The wife seeks to develop two game plans: institute a plan to nurture her soul (internal) and then look to help her husband (external). The first mind map below outlines the plan. To start this journey, she must expand her thinking to include God. She cannot receive God’s grace or minister to her husband until she has wrestled with God.
This step is crucial because it gives her time to perceive the Lord’s mind about what happened to her as much as she can perceive it. She must establish a theologically precise view of God in her mind, which means He has convinced her that He is working for her good in ways she did not expect and had not perceived up to this point. She also needs to gain a gospel view of suffering and an understanding of her heart to realize how the nemeses of self-sufficiency and self-righteousness affect her responses to this challenging situation.
Often, a wife will take a soft approach by placing the burden of change on herself, believing her shortcomings as a godly wife are to blame for her husband’s actions. Her indwelling shame can lead her to over-submit and not confront evil, leaving the husband in sin (Galatians 6:1). Other times; a wife can fall into a legalist, self-righteous mindset and begin to judge her husband’s behaviors; she becomes the moral police. If the husband does not change, the wife will become frustrated and head down the path of cynicism and bitterness. Roots of unbelief can grow, leaving her vulnerable to fleshly temptations.
The common error in both approaches is the wife’s belief that her happiness or soul health depends on her husband’s actions or love. If the husband cannot serve as a godly leader, the wife must repent of her idolatry and find other sources of Christ’s grace. This change in her mind is the key to her survival.
Experiencing the full life with Jesus, we say with David, “You have put more joy in my heart than they have when their grain and wine abound” (Psalm 4:7). We can be infinitely and enduringly happier with Jesus than with anything or even everything in a world without Him. – Marshall Segal
There are three areas of focus for soul care.
First, the wife must embrace her new identity as a daughter of God. The thoughts of being unlovable, unworthy, etc., must be replaced with her true identity in Christ (Romans 8:17). Once she understands all she has in Christ, she can learn to be content in all circumstances (Philippians 4:11-13). Her soul’s health improves as she detaches from her physical environment.
Secondly, through daily meditation on the gospel, the wife must learn how to put on a repentant mindset. She must enter through the gate of spiritual bankruptcy to walk in the Spirit. Poor in Spirit leads to mourning, meekness (humility), and a thirst for righteousness (Matthew 5:3-6). Now, her heart will start to have a change in desires. The focus is no longer on herself but on living out her new identity in Christ. She will extend mercy, seek purity, and extend peace (Matthew 5:7-10). As she understands her heart, her ability to discern Godly sorrow from worldly sorrow will increase, allowing her to seek God’s wisdom. She will know when to let love overlook sin (1 Peter 4:8) and when to speak into her husband’s life to confront evil.
Thirdly, she must consider how God uses this season to refine her taste for Christ. The wife’s flesh can train her tastes to satisfy the world’s junk food. She can place her hope in marriage, sex, health, wealth, looks, and other things that can’t hold water (Jeremiah 2:13). She must lean into Christ through reading the Word, prayer, worship, fellowship, church, and service. Sometimes, fellowship with the Lord will be sweet, and other times dry, but she must continue to seek biblical paths (Jeremiah 29:13). As Tim Keller said, “Quality time with the Lord is obtained by quantity.” As Christ’s grace feeds her soul, she will feel like she has a rudder to maneuver through the storm. The wife is now in a position to help her husband.
To serve as a helper to her husband, she must view her husband through the gospel while looking to cooperate with God, as shown in the mind map above. When he struggles to love his wife as Christ, she must remember the spiritual conflict in the context of Christian life. The indwelling sinful nature rebels against God’s authority, and His enemies tempt him to doubt God’s goodness. He struggles more with his relationship with God than with his wife. Her actions can help or hinder, but she is not capable or responsible for his change. Her call is to plant, water, and tend (1 Corinthians 3:6). Second, she must pray for spiritual discernment to determine if her husband is faint-hearted, weak, or idle (1 Thessalonians 5:14).
Remember, Christ’s main admonishment to His disciples was calling out their unbelief (Matthew 8:26, 14:31, 16:8). The husband’s most significant issue is unbelief, which prevents him from moving forward in God’s call on his life. The wife must look to steward her submission to help him overcome his unbelief. If he is in sin and unwilling to repent, she must follow the example of Matthew 18:15-20 and seek help from church elders to help him grow into his future glory-self. Outside counsel can sometimes help if he is willing to listen. She must continually seek prayer and counsel from others to bring God’s glory and produce the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23).
How can you keep your focus on your in-Christ identity when life becomes difficult? He is the source of living water (John 4:14) and the cornerstone (Ephesians 2:20). Who are the godly men or women in your church who can come alongside you during this season? Become a local church member and intentionally engage that body; let that community serve you. Remember that your flesh and the world continuously highlight the joy of romance and marriage. The gospel teaches something different.
I am never going to have paradise in my marriage. Paradise is to come. I am never married to a perfect person. That person will never be my Messiah. The person I am married to has no capacity whatsoever to change my heart. That person I am married to has no capacity whatsoever to bring satisfaction and contentment to my heart. They have no ability whatsoever to deliver me from my sin. They just have no ability to do any of that. – Paul Tripp
I pray as you tap into Christ’s grace that your soul finds rest, peace enters, and you find joy in worshiping and serving the Lord—always looking for where He is working.
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